


Second Thoughts

by silenciumspiritum



Category: Silent Witness (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:34:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 57,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23986885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silenciumspiritum/pseuds/silenciumspiritum
Summary: One-shot. Set at the end of S23E4. Nikki has got a lot on her mind and she's having second thoughts about her relationship with Matt.
Relationships: Nikki Alexander & Jack Hodgson, Nikki Alexander/Jack Hodgson
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I rewatched this episode recently and this idea popped into my head! Hope you enjoy :)

Nikki watched as the blonde woman walked away from her. Her husband pulled her into his side. She could feel herself letting out a sigh. She would give anything to be in that position right now. In love, married and with a child on the way. She knew deep down that despite Matt saying he wasn't opposed to the idea of having a baby, he didn't really want one. He already had kids. He'd already gone through that part of his life. It was probably half the reason why he disappeared back to America from time to time.

She knew their time was up but she couldn't quite get round to actually admitting it just yet. Matt, ashamedly, had been her longest relationship. They never usually made it this far, they either turned out to be not good enough for her or she just got scared and walked away from them. Matt had been different in that respect. She supposed she loved him at some point. But with what had happened a couple of weeks ago, with the plane crash. He had been different. Distant somehow. Like there was something he wasn't quite telling her.

He hadn't been with her for much of the time. The last time she saw him was about two weeks ago. He had said that he needed to go out there for his job but Nikki knew he was lying. He had managed to make a deal with his boss which meant he could stay in the UK so really there was no need for him to go back unless it was absolutely necessary. But given that he didn't provide that much of an explanation, Nikki knew that there was something else on his mind.

All she wanted was a family. She had that small chance with Matt but now that he was gone - just not physically yet, the ideas of having a family were also out of the window. She glanced over at the entrance of the church. Jack, Clarissa and Thomas were slowly emerging. She always had the team at the Lyell of course. She could rely on them just as much as any normal family would. They were her family, or they were the closest thing she had to a family at least.

She could feel the tears filling up in her eyes, blurring the figures in front of her. She'd never really thought about starting her own family until she had that scare with Matt last year. She just never thought that opportunity would be offered to her. And when it did, she couldn't get it out of her head. She wiped away at her cheek before heading towards the three people who right now were probably the most important people in her life.

"Everything alright?" Jack asked as she reached them, noticing the slight redness to her eyes.

Nikki just nodded slowly in response, not quite trusting her voice.

Luckily Thomas didn't allow the silence to hang for too long as he announced, "I think we could all do with a drink. I'm sure I've got a bottle of something back at the office."

They had soon made their way back to the Lyell and were now sat in Thomas' office, each holding a glass in their hands. Nikki had sat next to Jack on the sofa as her colleagues talked amongst themselves. She didn't take part in much of the conversation, finding herself more intrigued by the ornaments that lay on the small table in front of her.

She knew Jack had been looking at her the whole time. She could feel his eyes boring into her. He knew something was up and to be quite frank, she was doing an awful job at hiding it. She could tell he was itching to ask her if she was okay or if she wanted to talk about it but he didn't want to raise any attention to the fact that she had zoned out. He knew that she didn't like to be the centre of attention and if she _was_ going to tell him what was on her mind, it wouldn't be in front of everyone here.

Nikki could feel herself welling up once again and not wanting the questions to be thrown in her direction, she placed her glass on the table and headed out of the room. All three of them watched as she left, confusion on their faces. Jack glanced over to Clarissa and Thomas who just simply nodded, encouraging him to go after her. After all, he was probably the one she trusted the most out of everyone there.

And with that he was following behind her. She was heading towards the locker room. The same place he always went to if he needed to clear his head. As he walked in she had already sat down on the bench in the middle of the room. She was breathing in and out slowly, almost as if she was trying to stop herself from having a panic attack.

She didn't have to open her eyes to know that he was standing there. She could feel his presence in the room. She couldn't help but feel relieved that he had followed her, she didn't want to be on her own, especially not at times like these. She could get too far into her head sometimes and she'd end up feeling low for the next couple of days. At least now that Jack was here she could get some of it off her chest and off her mind.

"What's going on Nikki?" Jack spoke softly, coming down to sit next to her.

Nikki shrugged, "Where do I start?" She attempted to joke, hoping that it would lighten the mood somewhat.

"How about the fact that you were jealous of Clare starting a new family and how you wished that you were in that position?" Jack offered, a reassuring smile on his face.

"Is it that obvious?" Nikki scoffed.

"Not to just anyone no. But me," Jack started. "That and the fact that I've been watching you for this whole case and I could see that it was getting to you. Then I saw you looking at her as she walked away earlier and I just put two and two together."

She could feel the warm tears falling freely down her cheeks now, "I just don't know what to do Jack."

"Have you spoken to Matt about it?"

Nikki shook her head, "I haven't seen him for two weeks. He doesn't speak to me anymore, there is something that he's hiding from me I know there is. But he just won't tell me and it's breaking us. It's just not the same as it used to be. I can feel him slipping away from me and I don't know what to do."

Jack sighed, _so he hadn't told her,_ he thought to himself. He knew that as soon as Matt told him he was going to be the one to have to break it to Nikki. He knew what Matt had been going through. He had felt a sense of it after Leo had died. And right now, he was probably trying to hide away from the world and shut out the people closest to him. But that doesn't mean to say it wasn't fair on Nikki, she was suffering now as well.

"Nikki," he began. Nikki flicked her head up to look at him, the tone in his voice worrying her. "There is something that Matt isn't telling you. And I didn't want to be the one to tell you because it's not my place and he should've been the one. But I can see that it's hurting you so I have to. The other week, Matt told me that he was meant to be on the plane."

"What?" Fell from her mouth, feeling her heart sink. That pang of sadness quickly turned to anger as she realised just what was going on. "Why did he tell you that and not me?"

Jack shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know. Maybe he wanted to tell someone that wasn't you because he didn't know how you would react. I told him to tell you and I thought he would've but clearly not."

"Now I really don't know what to do," Nikki breathed, the lump in her throat growing bigger. "How could he keep something like this from me? I have a right to know, don't I?" She stood up now, feeling the adrenaline pumping around her body.

"It explains why he's been so _off_ with me, I suppose," she continued. "But why couldn't he just talk to me? He knows that I'd be the last person to judge him for how he's feeling or disregard him completely. I don't understand."

"Who knows," he let out. "Why don't you try and ring him later. Talk to him about how you're feeling."

Nikki rolled her eyes, almost laughing at that, "Why should I have to be the one to encourage him to talk? He should trust me enough by now. We've been together for at least a year and we've been through so much already. Why couldn't he just talk to me?"

The tears were falling again and Jack was soon standing up, embracing her in his arms. Holding her tight against him as the sobs wracked her body. Nikki hid her face in his chest, gripping on the white lapels of his shirt as her cries subsided. She breathed in, feeling herself calm at the smell of his aftershave. The feeling of his strong arms wrapped around her, aiding that.

It wasn't often that they hugged but when they did she couldn't help but feel safe. Protected somewhat. It was strange how someone could just feel like home. And when they weren't there, like Jack had been for those couple of months, things just didn't feel the same. Incomplete. She'd never questioned the possibility of her having feelings for Jack until that very moment and everything seemed to slot into place. Like they had been waiting for her to make the discovery and come round to her senses.

Maybe it wasn't solely Matt's fault for the breakdown of this relationship. But maybe it was her distancing herself just as much as he had her. The only time she truly felt happy these days was when she was in work, with Jack. Maybe that was the key.

She pulled away from him as the tears on her cheek dried. She chuckled as she spotted the marks she had left behind on his shirt. She pointed at the mark before looking up at him, his eyes catching hers.

"Sorry," her lips twitched.

"It's alright," Jack whispered. He found himself being unable to tear his eyes away from her. He drank in her features. He was still having to get used to the brown hair but it suited her. Made him realise how dark her eyes really were. He couldn't stop himself as his eyes flitted between her own and her lips. Perhaps it was out of habit, he'd always done it when he looked at her. Like it was something he couldn't control. And if she was his, there would be no chance of letting her go like Matt was letting her slip out of his fingers.

She was the most selfless person he knew and she had the biggest heart. She would do absolutely anything for anyone, no matter what. She was incredibly intelligent and insanely attractive. He just wished that he had taken that opportunity to ask her out when he had the chance to.

Nikki, on the other hand, could feel her heart starting to race. She didn't miss the way his eyes travelled across her face. It made the goosebumps that had already erupted over her skin even more prominent. Before she knew what she was doing she was leaning towards him, bringing their faces closer together. Her lips were soon capturing his. Her heart dropped at the moment their lips connected. She knew this was wrong. She was still with Matt. But there was something telling her, deep down, that this was right. And that's what scared her the most.

Coming to her senses and realising that this wasn't how she wanted this to happen she pushed himself away from him. Quickly missing that feeling of him being pressed against her.

"Sorry, I shouldn't have done that," she made to leave but Jack had grabbed hold of her hand, stopping her. She closed her eyes, gathering herself and trying not to be distracted by his hand burning her skin. "Jack I can't."

Jack didn't know what had come over him. He had only ever done this once before and it ended up in tears but he couldn't help himself, "You don't love him Nikki."

Nikki bowed her head, she knew it and he knew it. It was just a matter of admitting it and she was not about to let Jack be right. Jack edged closer to her, bringing his hands up to rest on her cheeks. Nikki held on to his arms, debating on whether to encourage him or push him away. Her head said to push him away but her heart was screaming for his lips to be on hers again, to let his hands roam every inch of her body. And Nikki always ruled with her heart so she stayed there. Letting him make the first move. At least then she could be sure that she wasn't just reading the situation wrong.

Before long Jack's lips were crashing into hers again. But unlike before where they were testing the waters, not quite sure of one another. Now they were a little more heated. Passionate. More willing to commit to this act. Jack's hands had moved from cupping her face and down her body. He snaked his arms around her waist as he picked her up. Nikki's legs wrapped around his torso as he backed her up against the lockers.

The thud of her back hitting the metal echoed throughout the room. Jack's lips were now roaming her neck, nipping at the flesh. Nikki dragged her hands through his hair and couldn't help the moan that escaped from the base of her throat as he bit down that little bit too hard. Although it wasn't out of pain, quite the opposite in fact. She knew that she was enjoying this way too much.

That's when her head kicked in, this was wrong. And as much as revelled in the feeling him pushing himself against her, she was not about to cheat on Matt. She needed to sort out whatever was going on between them first. Before she even thought about going ahead with this. Jack hadn't been wrong, of course he hadn't. She didn't love Matt, at least she didn't love him anymore. What was going on right now showed that.

"Jack," she let out. "Jack, stop."

He quickly pulled his head from her neck, his hands still under her thighs supporting her weight. Nikki's arms fell to wrap around his neck.

"I can't do this," she whispered, her eyes filling up. Jack slowly let her down to the ground but Nikki's hands didn't leave his neck, coming to rest on his cheek. "I'm sorry."

And then she walked away, straightening her dress as she went. She ignored Jack as he called after her. She needed to get away before she made a mistake that she would most likely regret. Not wanting to let her slip away that easily Jack chased after her. He grabbed hold of her arm and was pulling her towards him as they reached the offices.

"I'm not leaving it like this Nikki," Jack kept his voice low, knowing that Thomas' office door was still open.

"Jack I can't," Nikki sighed. "You know that. What happened in there, it shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry if I've given you mixed signals. I'm with Matt and yes, we are going through a rough patch right now but we'll get through it."

Jack dropped her arm, backing off, "Keep telling yourself that," he retorted.

Nikki tried to reach out to him but he had put too much distance between them, "I don't want to let this ruin us. You are the closest person I've got right now, I can't lose you too."

Jack opened his mouth to speak but they were quickly interrupted by the sound of knocking on the glass door of the entrance. Nikki snapped her head in the direction of the sound, feeling her stomach drop. She made her way towards the entrance, clicking the button to open the door.

"Matt," fell from her mouth, not sure of what else she could say right now. She could feel herself panicking as the silence grew. Only now realising that he had a bunch of flowers in his hands. "W-What are you doing here?" She stuttered, feeling Jack's eyes on her back.

"I wanted to apologise for how I've been acting for the past couple of weeks, I've been unfair to you and I wanted to know if you'd join me for dinner tonight," he grinned. "There's a few things I need to talk to you about."

Nikki swallowed the lump in her throat, "Uh, yes, of course."

She jumped as Matt stepped forward with the intention of kissing her but she quickly turned her head so he could only kiss her on the cheek. She didn't even want to imagine Jack's face right now. She knew that it wasn't positive as Matt looked over to him.

"Jack," Matt smiled. "Nice to see you again."

"Yeah," was Jack's only response.

Thankfully Thomas and Clarissa had emerged from the office, probably wondering where the extra voice was coming from.

"Hope you guys don't mind if I steal her away from you for tonight," he joked, wrapping his arm around Nikki's waist. She couldn't help but shiver from his touch when not five minutes ago Jack's arm had been in the same place. But unlike how she urged for Jack's hands to be all over her, she wanted nothing more than to be five metres away from Matt right now.

"Go ahead, she could probably do with the distraction," Thomas smiled, not picking up on the growing tension in the room. Unlike Clarissa whose head had been flicking between Jack and Nikki. She had quickly noticed that Nikki hadn't taken her eyes off Jack the whole time they had been in the room and Jack was doing the same. Something had happened in that room and she was now determined to get it out of him.

They watched as Nikki and Matt left, seemingly happy. Clarissa's eyes travelled to Jack's hand that was now clenched into a fist.

"What's happened?" She questioned but he ignored her as he headed out of the door. She knew it was pointless but she still felt as though she had to ask it. "Where are you going?"

He just disappeared, leaving her to wonder just what in the world had happened back there. But, if she was being honest, it wouldn't take a genius to work it out. She knew the look Jack had on his face, she had seen it way too many times. But she was happy to reserve her judgement until Jack could confirm her suspicions.


	2. Chapter 2

Nikki let out a sigh as the elevator pinged. This was going to be a very long day, she didn’t have the chance to speak to Jack last night so now there was going to be all this underlying tension between the two and she wasn’t quite ready to deal with that all over again. It had been bad after Mexico, excruciatingly painful but somehow she felt as though this time around was going to be worse. After all, they had just took a massive leap into that grey area they had chosen to ignore for the past couple of years. Taking a deep breath, she stepped out and rounded the corner, heading towards the Lyell Centre entrance. 

She walked down into the main offices, only finding Clarissa sat at her desk, studying something with intent. It couldn’t have been that important by the way her eyes flicked up to meet Nikki’s, they were sparkling, mischievous. Clarissa only ever had that look when she was after information and Nikki just had to hope that Jack had kept quiet about what had transpired between the two of them yesterday. Although knowing Jack he had probably stormed off moments after she had left with Matt. 

Wanting to affirm to Clarissa that nothing had happened between her and Jack, she asked, “Where’s Jack?” 

And next came the dreaded remark she should’ve expected from Clarissa as she shrugged her shoulders, “I was hoping you could tell me that.” 

Clarissa had opened her mouth to say something else but wanting to distance herself from the situation as much as possible Nikki turned herself away from the other woman and walked in the direction of the kitchen. She was in much need of a coffee, if not to get her through this long day but also in the hope of keeping her eyes open. She hadn’t got much, if any, sleep last night. Matt was determined to get everything out in the open and off his chest. But that had meant eating into Nikki’s sleep, which she needed more than anything right now. Sleep was her only way of making sense of things. 

She couldn’t be angry at Matt and she wasn’t really, he had told her everything that he was feeling and everything that had happened. She did think it best to leave out the fact that Jack had told her all of this already not a couple of hours prior. If her and Matt were going to wipe the slate clean and start afresh then it was better to let him think that this was her first time hearing this and keeping Jack well out of the picture. Although that was going to be hard considering she had to work closely with the man everyday and the feeling of his lips sucking at her neck were burned into her memory. 

Their conversation had naturally led to children and Nikki had been right to trust her gut feeling and not get her hopes up. He relentlessly apologised, he knew that she wanted children and he didn’t have the heart to let her down there and then. He explained that he’d hoped the idea would pass, what with Nikki’s career and his own being so demanding. She was determined to not let it get to her. Matt had been the longest relationship she had ever had, she had proven everyone wrong - especially Jack - who had told her she had commitment issues, who had told her that she was scared of relationships. 

She _was_ scared of relationships but Matt was the one to show her that it’s okay to let go, it’s okay to lose control. And she didn’t want to lose Matt. She loved him and what was going on between them was just a blip. A rough patch. A hiccup. They would get through it and come out the other side even stronger. And if that involved having to let go of the idea of having kids then Nikki was prepared to do it. Deep down she knew that she would just end up ruining the child’s life anyway and she didn’t want to do to that child what her father had done to her. She knew how much it hurt and she couldn’t possibly live with the idea of harming a child like that - even if it wasn’t intentional. 

The slam of a heavy bag on one of the desks pulled her from her thoughts, her head snapped to face Jack. Her stomach dropping as she took in his form, his face all bloodied and bruised. That was a sight she hadn’t seen in a very long time. He looked awful. His eyes collided with hers straight away and it was clear he had no intentions of looking away. 

She gripped onto the coffee cup she was holding in her hands in an attempt to ground herself and stop herself from running over to him, attending to his wounds like she normally would. She could see in the corner of her eye that Clarissa was watching the two of them. Her eyes flitting between them, waiting for the other to make the first move. Wondering what on earth had happened between them yesterday to cause this much tension. Quickly realising she didn’t want to be caught up in what could be a very dangerous storm, Clarissa made her way out of the room in search of Thomas. Maybe he would have an idea and if not then at least she would be able to fill him in and he could do some digging on her behalf. 

Nikki was yet to peel her eyes away from him but she was struggling more than she had ever done before. She placed her cup back down on the counter beside her. 

“Jack,” she started, her throat dry from the long silence between them. She stopped when she seen his face. He looked terrible and it hurt her as much as it did him seeing him like this. The tears welled up in her eyes as she slowly stepped towards him, holding her hand out to cup his cheek. He flinched away from her the moment her palm came into contact with his skin, as though her hand were made of fire. 

“Not here,” he growled.

“Fine,” she straightened her back, the unshed tears quickly disappearing. She was not going to let him get to her. “There’s a first aid kit in the locker room, I can sort you out properly there.” 

Jack huffed but he led the way. They walked in silence, Nikki a few paces behind Jack. She was scared that if she were too close to him, he would hear the incessant thumping in her chest and he mustn’t know that he’s got to her otherwise they would just end up in the same position as they were yesterday. And given that her and Matt had taken the decision to start again she couldn’t let that happen. 

As they reached the locker room, Jack flopped himself down on the bench. They had been in this situation more times than Jack would like to admit but they had a routine and he quite enjoyed watching Nikki walk around the room readying herself to clean up his mess and make him look as presentable as possible should they have to attend any meetings today. 

Nikki worked in silence, her hands shaking, as she pulled out all the things she would need from the first aid box. Thankfully, his wounds didn’t seem as bad as they used to be but then she hadn’t seen them up close so who knew how deep they went. She quickly put her gloves on and turned to face him. 

Sighing, she made for him. He was already holding his hands out so she could place her equipment down on them. It was scary how much they could read each other so well and how they just so easily slotted into each others lives. She had been trying to pinpoint recently when exactly they became so comfortable with each other, how they came to be such good friends. And that was the point she couldn’t pin, were they ever _just friends_? And did they just subconsciously choose to sweep that side of their relationship under the carpet for the sake of saving face?

Jack gasped underneath her as she pressed the antiseptic wipe on the cut above his eyebrow. She grinned to herself as she watched the goosebumps grow up his neck. She may not want anything else to happen between them but she could at least be happy that she was having this effect on him, couldn’t she? 

She didn’t waste time in getting him cleaned up, she didn’t want to spend too long down here with him because they would only end up talking and it scared her that it might lead her to her head is telling her not to go. Happy with the results she took a step back from him and removed her gloves before turning to place them in the bin, along with all the bloody wipes. 

As she washed her hands in the sink she felt him creep up behind her, sending a shiver down her spine. 

“There’s a bit of an elephant in the room, isn’t there?” He nudged her, a small smirk on his face. He had seen her shiver and just as she had been happy about his goosebumps, he was just as proud that he had the same effect on her as she did him. 

“Understatement,” she snapped, rolling her eyes. She reached behind him, grabbing herself a few paper towels to dry her hands. Her heart was racing once again as her arm brushed against his. 

He leaned in close to her, getting down to her level, “I don’t know what happened between you and Matt yesterday, or what he said to convince you that you’re in a happy, loving relationship but, you and I both know that what happened yesterday was mutual,” he paused, his eyes connecting with hers. “You know how I feel about you Nikki, it hasn’t changed since the day that I met you. If you are truly happy with Matt and you can honestly see a future with him, I will support you no matter what because your happiness means more to me than anything else. But don’t forget, I know you Nikki and I know when you’re not happy.” 

She scoffed, not quite believing what was coming out of his mouth. She knew Jack liked to speak his mind but he was taking it too far this time, “You’re unbelievable you know,” she spat. 

“If you think I’m wrong then walk away from me now,” he folded his arms, raising an eyebrow at her. 

Nikki urged her feet to move but they felt as though they were glued to the floor. There was a war going on in her body, just as it had yesterday. Her head was telling her to go, be with Matt, make a go of things. Try and make things work. But her heart kept her there. Standing next to the man who had always been by her side, who had always been there to pick her up when she needed it the most, who had always been a friend and a shoulder to cry on. Who never failed to make her laugh. Who, yes, could wind her up something rotten but she wouldn’t be the same without him. 

She jumped as his finger came up to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. 

“I have tried so hard to forget about you Nikki. To forget about these feelings but I just can’t,” he almost whispered. “And after yesterday, there is no way I’m going to be able to get you out of my head.” He leaned in close once again, his head tilting so he could into the crook of her neck, his lips attacking the same spot as the day previous. 

Nikki couldn’t stop the sharp intake of breath at the feeling of his lips on her skin again, the slight tickle of his stubble now adding to the sensation. She thought she was going to explode with all the blood that was now pumping around her head. She closed her eyes, letting her body give into the cravings of wanting him as close to her as possible. She moved, allowing him more access as her hand came to run through his short brown hair again.

He pulled away from her, her eyelids flickering open. His eyes were flitting between her eyes and her lips, just as they had yesterday. And she would be lying if she said that it didn’t drive her insane, she had caught him doing it countless times before but never in this proximity and never with his intentions being so clear. 

He was waiting for her to make that first move, not wanting the blame to lie solely at his feet. And with the adrenaline surging through her veins, she couldn’t take the waiting any longer. Reaching up, her lips collided with his and he was quick to place his hands at the back of her head, keeping her as close to him as possible. 

She felt his tongue running along her bottom lip, enticing her. But she stopped, to her surprise as much as Jack’s. She rested her feet fully back on the floor, her head leaning into his chest before she started chuckling. 

Jack’s eyebrows knitted together as he looked down at her, “What’s wrong?” He asked, curious as to what was so funny. 

She pulled back from him, so she could talk to him face to face, his hands never leaving the small of her back, “You know, in all the years I have worked here, I have never done this.”

“Done what?”

She smoothed her palms up and down his chest, enjoying the feeling of his hard muscles underneath the soft cotton of his shirt, “This,” a finger gesturing between the two of them.

“Well,” Jack started, leaning in again. “Now is as good a time as any.” He closed the small gap between them, his lips connecting briefly with hers before sighing. “But there is a very high chance that a certain Clarissa Mullery is using her sixth sense to track us down and find out what’s really going on.” 

“You won’t tell her, will you?” Nikki panicked, grasping his shirt in her fist. 

Jack rested his hand on top of hers, “Don’t worry of course I won’t. If she finds out it’ll be from her own detective work,” he laughed. 

A small smile swept across her face before quickly dropping, the guilt was already creeping in and they hadn’t exactly done much, “Listen, I’ll talk to Matt,” that caught Jack’s attention. “He’s gone back to America for the next couple of days to sort some stuff out there but I promise once he’s back, I’ll tell him. And that’s for my sake as much as yours.” 

He was cupping her cheeks, sighing, “There is no rush. You do it when you are ready, I would love to just walk out there and announce to the world how I feel about you but I know that I can’t. I will wait as long as I need to,” he brushed his lips against. “And if Matt is away, how about we go for some dinner tonight?”

It was Nikki’s turn to furrow her brows, “Really? Don’t you think that will be a bit obvious?” 

Jack shook his head, “No, because those two up there, think we’ve had an argument and we’ve just come to an arrangement to sort it out outside of work.” 

“And what about Matt?” 

He shrugged, “We’re just two _very_ friends going for a nice meal together, what’s so wrong with that?” 

Nikki rolled her eyes, “Remind me to come to you the next time I need to think of a good cover up story,” she chuckled. “But we best get out there before they start to think that we’ve killed each other.” 

Unlike how they had walked to the locker room, they were now walking dangerously close to one another, with Jack’s hand brushing against hers every now and then. Nikki tried to ignore the blush that was creeping onto her cheeks, it wouldn’t do well for Clarissa and Thomas to see the two of them in this state. And it wouldn’t exactly take a genius to work out what had caused the redness in her face.

As they reached their office, Jack sped off just ahead of Nikki, making his way into the room before her. Giving herself a few seconds to calm herself before having to face her colleagues. She tucked her hair behind her ears and rounded the corner. Clarissa was sat her desk once again and she was now surveying the room, trying to decipher if what had happened had now been sorted. Given that they both looked somewhat chirpier then she would say yes. 

“Everything okay between the two of you now?” Clarissa asked as Nikki sat down at her own desk, directly opposite to Jack who was doing a good job of pretending as though she weren’t there. 

“Yes,” Jack replied, quickly glancing up to wink at Nikki. “Everything’s perfect.”


	3. Chapter 3

They didn’t end up going for that dinner, Matt had booked the wrong flight and he was actually scheduled to go tomorrow. Nikki was feeling a mixture of relief and disappointment. Whatever was going on between her and Jack had to wait until she had sorted everything with Matt, she didn’t exactly want to commit herself to another relationship whilst still being in one. She knew Jack was excited and just wanted to have an evening when it was just the two of them but they weren’t in a position to go rushing into something. On the other hand, the thought of spending the night with Matt terrified her. She had spent the majority of her day thinking about another man and kissing another man.

Wanting to take her mind off things Nikki made a start on their dinner. It wasn’t anything complicated, just a simple stir-fry but it kept Matt out of the kitchen and it made at least some of the guilt wash away. She hadn’t been able to look at him from the moment she came home and found him sitting on the sofa. She had spent all day planning what she was going to do when she went home, what outfit she was going to wear. All of that disappeared as soon as she heard his voice. Then the guilt settled in. She hadn’t given Matt much thought at all, Jack had somehow explained it all away that she simply forgot about him, yet there he was. The biggest grin on his face.

Matt had been such a gentleman to her all evening and that made it ten times harder. She was going to have to tell him sooner or later other wise the guilt was going to eat her up inside. But she couldn’t do it tonight, not when he was about to go back to America, she wasn’t going to do that to him. That wouldn’t be fair. But it didn’t make the night any easier.

When she’d woken in the morning, she found a letter on his side of the bed. His flight was in the early hours of the morning so he didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to her. Nikki was quite glad in a way. She just about coped getting through last night let alone going through that whole routine of saying goodbye to him. Especially when she knew her “I love you” wouldn’t have been heartfelt or meaningful.

She got ready for the day regardless of how she was feeling about Matt. At least now that he was out of the country she would have the next couple of days to sort her head out and think of just how she was going to tell him that it was over between the two of them.

She arrived to work before anyone else, which wasn’t out of the ordinary. She had potted around writing some reports for half an hour waiting for the others to arrive. She quite liked being alone when she was at the Lyell. There was something comforting in the silence. It allowed her mind to wander without any distractions and she could think freely, letting herself make sense of all the chaos that seemed to surround her.

Nikki jumped as she heard the buzzer echoing, her thoughts quickly shutting down. She swivelled around in her chair, feeling her heart race as he rounded the corner. She had always found him attractive from the very first time she had met him. He had quite literally taken her breath away and if it weren’t for the fact that they were working on a job at the time and if he hadn’t have come across as quite so arrogant in the beginning, she may have suggested the pair of them go to dinner. She’d quickly forgotten about that idea when Leo employed him. She didn’t mind though, at least she would get to sit across from him everyday. And it certainly helped the days pass by.

But there was something different about him now, almost as if the admission of the feelings being clear between the two had set everything off. Her mind now allowed to think about him in different ways because he too felt the same about her. That didn’t make it right however, she still had to think about Matt in all of this. It wasn’t exactly fair on him.

Jack sat down opposite her, the air thick around them as they both remained silent. She didn’t have the chance to ring him last night and explain just exactly what had happened, so she had sent him a text instead. And no doubt that had hurt even more. But he didn’t seem to be that upset about it.

There was no time like the present, however, to talk about what had happened. They were completely alone for possibly the next ten minutes before Clarissa and Thomas were due to turn up.

“Jack about last night,” she started. Jack looking up at her, their eyes connecting. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it,” he shook his head. “There was nothing you could do. And I can hardly expect you to come running straight to me when you haven’t even sorted anything out with Matt yet. I assume you haven’t spoken to him about all that?”

It was Nikki’s turn to shake her head, “No, I didn’t think it would be fair for me to drop it all on him when he’s gone back to America this morning.” The nauseous feeling in her stomach settling, she should’ve trusted that Jack would be understanding. He always had been, in all the time that she had known him.

Wanting nothing more than to be closer to him, she stood up from her seat and walked around, perching herself on the edge of his desk. She reached down, picking his hand up in hers. She squeezed it tightly, “I’m confused,” she breathed.

“What do you mean you’re confused?” He asked, pulling himself closer to her, his spare hand coming to rest on her thigh.

Nikki tried to ignore the flutters as she went on to explain, “I can’t stop thinking about what my feelings for you are doing to Matt. I feel awful for even thinking about another person. It’s been on my mind all night,” she let out. She was scared of how he would react but he had always been her confidant. The one person she could rely on and trust and their feelings, she hoped, wouldn’t change that. “But then the moment I see you, it all goes out the window and I just want to be close to you. I don’t know where all this has come from either because I’ve controlled myself for the past eight years why is it different now? Does that make me a bad person?”

Jack couldn’t help but chuckle at her, his hand leaving hers to rest on her cheek, “Nikki, you have one of the kindest souls I’ve ever had the pleasure to meet. The fact you’re so worried about it all proves that to me. But you can’t help who you fall in love with,” he smiled at her. “You know that as much as I do. There’s no point denying all those feelings, it only makes it worse.”

She sighed, she knew he was right. He always was. The adrenaline surged around her body as she leaned forward, capturing his lips with her own. If him walking into the room was enough to make her forget about Matt then the feeling of his lips pressed against hers was enough for to deny even knowing a Matt.

He pulled away from her, slightly conscious of the fact that Thomas and Clarissa could walk in at any moment. And it really wouldn’t look good for them to be found in this comprising position. He couldn’t help the grin that had spread across his face however, “Listen, how about we have another go of that dinner again tonight? But no fancy restaurant, just a pizza on my sofa.”

Nikki nodded, “I’d love that.” She dared to steal another kiss, finding herself unable to get enough of him and also liking the excitement of getting caught. Although she wasn’t ready for the consequences of that.

And so they powered through their day, often stealing glances from each other from across the room. Jack running circles on her thigh under the table as they sat in the meeting room. She eventually had to rest her hand on top of his to stop him, the sensation of his fingers moving further up her leg sending her wild. He had gotten a bit too close to her when she had been making everyone tea as well, his hand pressing into the small of her back as he had reached up to pass her some mugs. He had even sneaked in a peck as he placed the cups down on the counter. Thankfully there had been no one around because Nikki would’ve been unable to explain the colour on her face.

Clarissa had been glaring at them for most of the day however, but _she_ couldn’t guess whether there was something up or if they were just being their usual selves. They had nearly always acted like this, the flirtatious wind ups, Jack being unable to keep his hands off her. Finding every possible way for him to be in direct contact with her. But she had noticed it even more today, even picking up on the fact that it had also been Nikki letting her hand linger on his arm for that touch too long. There was definitely something up with the pair but it had always been hard to tell with the two of them.

As they left at the end of the day, Nikki had made sure to go the long way around, passing in the direction of her house. Clarissa always followed her up until a certain point and she had guessed that Clarissa had her suspicions so she couldn’t do with adding to them.

Once she felt as though she was in the clear she made the route to Jack’s apartment. It hadn’t taken her long to get there. She had been there so many times now it was like second nature at this point. She was starting to wonder why it had taken them until now to actually have the conversation, they had practically been acting as though they were in a relationship for years now. No wonder most of the detectives they met thought they were together.

She couldn’t help but laugh at that, _they were such idiots_. And now they had finally admitted it, one of them was still in a relationship so that was a good start. But Nikki was determined to not think of Matt for the rest of the night, she could ignore the inevitable guilt until he came back. She wanted to enjoy these moments with Jack, she at least wanted to pretend that what they were doing was lawful and right.

Digging into her bag she pulled out the set of keys he had given her a long time ago and she made her way into his apartment. She found him sat on the sofa, the TV blaring as he scrolled through his phone, no doubt looking at what pizza he was going to order. If she was being truthful she really wasn’t bothered about the pizza, they both knew what was going to happen. And given how Jack had been acting today then it would probably be over and done with before the pizza arrived.

Walking in slowly, she wrapped her arms around him as she stood behind the sofa. Her face burrowing into his neck, taking in his smell. The aftershave that he must’ve just put on making her feel weak at the knees.

His hand grabbed hold of her arm as he twisted around, their faces now inches apart. He closed the gap between them finally able to get a proper taste of her now that there were no prying eyes. They were free to do what they wanted and didn’t have to worry about anything.

He cupped her cheeks in his hands as the kiss deepened, the blood quickly pooling in his body. He had swiftly forgotten the pizza he had been looking at a few moments earlier, his mind somewhere else entirely.

Jack pulled away from her, only so he could walk around and join her on the other side of the room. His lips were back on hers instantly and his hands now exploring her body. Feeling around every curve before settling on the backs of her thighs, lifting her up.

Nikki was quick to wrap her legs around his torso. Her fingers toying with the buttons of his shirt as he carried her to what she assumed was his bedroom. She didn’t take the time to look, not that she cared all that much, the pulsing between her legs occupying her thoughts.

He lowered her down onto the bed, his lips leaving hers as his hands travelled down her legs, reaching her boots. He slowly pulled the zip down, carefully removing them from her feet. Nikki couldn’t take her eyes off him, he was only taking her shoes off and she felt as though she was going to explode already. She watched as he took the other one off.

His fingers now dragging against the denim of her jeans, electricity flowing with every touch. She was only wearing a jumper and that had swiftly been pulled over her head. He placed kisses across her chest, wanting to map out every inch of her with his lips. He couldn’t get enough of her. He had ashamedly dreamed of this moment more times than he would like to count. He soon reached the top of her trousers. Delicately popping the button, he began rolling them down her legs before they too were on the floor with various other items.

Feeling unfairly exposed, Nikki made quick work with the buttons on Jack’s shirt, shrugging it off his shoulders and revealing the hard muscles underneath. She had thought about those arms pinning her down way too much over the past couple of years. There was something about being in his hold that thrilled her and excited her and she couldn’t believe that she had pushed all those feelings down for so long because he was just as hungry as she was.

Jack could feel himself spilling over the edge already. No woman had ever made him feel this way and it was driving him insane. All he had to do was look at her. He didn’t hesitate to rip his belt off, letting his own jeans drop to the floor. He stood there in just his boxers, not leaving much to the imagination as he panted, looking down at Nikki.

She propped herself up on her elbows, her eyelids drooped with lust as she watched his chest rise and fall. She couldn’t bear this much longer, it felt as though her head was spinning. Pushing herself up on her hands, she sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes not leaving Jack’s as she hooked her finger between the band. She took his length in one hand whilst the other discarded of the unwanted material. She stroked up and down, her lips twitching as she felt him shudder underneath her touch.

His hands knotted in her brown hair, he wasn’t going to last long. Not with the feeling of her fingers running along every little nerve. He took hold of her wrist, stilling her movements. The eye contact never breaking between them as he pushed her back, his body looming over her now. He kept her hand pinned down above her. The back of his free hand tracing her jaw line. His kissed her again, revelling in the feeling of his body pressed against hers. Their skin moulding into one.

He smoothed his hand across her skin, moving further down her body, expertly removing the last piece that was still separating them. His fingers settled between her slick folds, his thumb simultaneously running circles around her bud. He beamed as she gasped into his mouth and involuntary bucked against his fingers, wanting to feel him deeper inside of her. The moan in the back of his throat threatened to escape at the feeling of her squirming underneath his touch.

Pulling out of her, he ran his hand along his length once more before he pushed inside her. Nikki adjusting her position slightly, somehow bringing their bodies closer than they were before. His hand that was still wrapped up in hers tightening as he created a rhythm between them. His lips dropping from hers, down her jawline before settling in the curve of her neck. His teeth nipping at the flesh only adding to the pressure that was starting to build inside the both of them.

Nikki was close already, that familiar wave washing over her. She cupped Jack’s cheek, her fingers quickly moving to the nape of his neck, grasping at his hair as he quickened the pace. She lost complete control at the sensation of him pushing further into her and soon enough she was tipping over the edge. His mouth over hers as she rode out that high, she tightened around him and it wasn’t long before Jack was joining her. He continued pushing into her, clinging on to every inch of that feeling.

Their kisses becoming lazy and sloppy but neither quite caring in that moment. Both enjoying the feeling of being in each others arms. Jack soon flopped down next to her, his hand still remaining wrapped up in hers however. His other hand stroking her hair out of her face.

Nikki couldn’t tear her eyes away from him, she still wanted to be close to him as she entwined their legs together. Jack moved so he could wrap a blanket around the pair of them, quickly noticing the goosebumps that were erupting across Nikki’s skin.

“You never told me what pizza you wanted,” Jack laughed as she rolled her eyes, shaking her head at him before nuzzling into his chest.

Both their eyes closed as they felt the peacefulness wash over them.


	4. Chapter 4

Neither had realised they had fallen asleep until the morning light started poking through the curtains. Jack was the first to stir, the events of last night slowly coming back to him as he felt a warm body pressed to his side and an arm draped across his chest. A smile quickly spread across his face as he turned into her, wrapping his own arms around her to hold her tighter against him.

He sighed as her eyes fluttered open, knowing that he had ruined what would’ve been a peaceful morning. And he was quite enjoying the sound of her breathing peacefully next to him. He looked down to meet her gaze, Nikki’s lips twitching fondly. Taking advantage of the fact her face was inches away from his, Jack’s lips captured hers.

Nikki moved her hand up his chest, coming to rest on his cheek as she deepened the kiss. Jack’s fingers raked down her spine, her skin soft under his. He could feel Nikki shiver at his touch. He beamed as he felt Nikki move so that she was now looming over him. His hands moved to sit under her thighs; supporting her.

Her lips fell from his as they travelled down his jaw to his neck, she nipped at the flesh causing a groan to escape from the bottom of his throat. Her lips continued their journey down his chest, her hand slipping between their bodies, taking hold of him. She twisted her hand up and down his length, that groan getting louder. A smirk spreading across her face at the thought that she had this effect on him. Her mouth soon reached where he had wanted her the most, his fingers gripped in her hair as her lips slipped around him. He arched his neck back, feeling the adrenaline pumping around his body. He wasn’t going to last much longer if she carried on like this.

Wanting the moment to be shared, he pulled her away from him and he sat up. His back rested against the headboard as Nikki moved to straddle him. His hands coming to rest on the back of her thighs to support her once again. Their mouths found each other before Nikki’s hand moved between them to take hold of him, guiding him in. The breath escaped her lips as she felt him push inside her. She was still not used to that feeling of him, making her feel whole. She supposed that she would never get used to that feeling.

His hands moved to the back of her neck with his thumbs resting either side of her jawline as their bodies moved in time with each other. Nikki had to grip on to his shoulders as she steadied herself. Their mouths sliding over each others as the pressure started to build up and the pace quickened. A moan escaped Nikki’s mouth sending a shiver down Jack’s spine, her voice like music to his ears. Jack pulled her against him, knowing that she was close and he wasn’t far behind. Her arm wrapped around his neck, her fingers in his hair, Jack mirroring her movements. Their skin pressed together. Nikki tucked her head into his neck as she reached the peak.

Jack’s arms tightened around her as he continued pushing into her, tipping over the edge himself. Their lips soon found each other again as they calmed down, their chests rising and falling in time with one another.

“Well good morning to you too,” Jack’s voice was gravelly, partly as a result of having only just woken up and partly due to their very recent activities.

Nikki chuckled as she gazed at him, her brown eyes connecting with green. It was strange her having to look down at him, it was always the other way round. She took the time to mark out every blemish and freckle on his face with her finger tip. She smiled as she spotted some that she hadn’t even noticed before.

Her finger now ran along the bottom of his lip, her own following behind, their lips colliding. Jack was quick to flip her over so that she was now lying on her back and he was looming over her instead. His hands moving down the curves of her body, landing on her leg as he tucked it around his body.

Nikki giggled as she tried to pull away from his advances, knowing that time was starting to catch up on them and it wouldn’t look good if the two of them turned up to work late _and_ at the same time. They would confirm Clarissa’s suspicions within seconds because that woman never missed a trick.

Nikki cupped his cheeks, forcing him to look at her, “We’re going to be late for work if you carry on like that,” she smirked.

Jack just sighed, rolling his eyes. He would give everything just to stay in bed with the most beautiful woman on the planet. His head dropped to rest on her chest, groaning. Nikki played with his hair which was calming him way too much and certainly wasn’t motivating him to leave the bed.

Reluctantly, he flopped down next to her but he couldn’t tear his eyes away from her as her palm came to rest on his cheek again.

“How about you jump in the shower and I make us both some breakfast?” She spoke softly, trying to ignore the threatening grumble of her stomach thanks to the lack of food consumed the previous night.

“Well there is enough room in that shower for two people,” Jack winked, his fingers snaking over her body again, in an attempt to tease her further.

Nikki raised an eyebrow, rather intrigued by this invite but she had to turn him down. If they did that then they really would be late for work. She shook her head, “As much as I’m tempted, no.” Nikki pushed herself up on her elbows to avoid any further distractions from the man lying next to her. She reached down to the floor, picking up the dark green checked shirt that belonged to Jack. She smirked to herself as she put it on, knowing that Jack was watching her.

Jack bit down on his lip as Nikki stood up, his green shirt reaching her knees. His eyes followed her as she left the room and he could feel himself blushing as she looked back at him. He just had to hope that his shower was going to be enough to wash his thoughts away. But somehow he doubted that. He scrubbed his hands over his face before getting up himself and making his way to the bathroom.

Meanwhile Nikki was making herself at home as she set about making the two of them breakfast and coffee to set them up for the morning. She had to admit that she didn’t really know what she was doing but she settled on making something simple like eggs on toast along with a few rashers of bacon she managed to find in the fridge.

She was in the middle of pouring the coffee when Jack emerged from the bathroom with only a towel covering his dignity. She was biting the inside of her cheek, trying to keep her concentration on the hot water she was pouring. But Jack sneaked up on her, coming from behind and wrapping his arms around her waist. His head burrowing into her neck.

“You would not believe the amount of times I’ve day dreamed about you standing in my kitchen and wearing one of my shirts,” he mumbled, feeling Nikki chuckling under him. “You’re driving me mad, I don’t know how I’ve managed to resist this for so long.”

Nikki turned around in his arms so that she could face him. Jacks arms had dropped from her waist, his hands now coming to rest on the counter, trapping her. Nikki’s own hands coming to rest on the top of his arms. Jack leaned forward, capturing Nikki’s lips with his. Her hands travelled to his neck as the kiss deepened.

* * *

They spent the next couple of days being unable to keep their hands off each other. Any moment they could steal where it could just be the two of them they made very good use of the opportunity. And they had very successfully managed to deter Clarissa’s suspicious eyes away. Or at least that’s what they thought.

Unfortunately it wasn’t long before Matt had returned from America and Jack had already noticed the lack of communication that was going on between himself and Nikki. He had quite selfishly enjoyed the time they had together over the past couple of days and he wasn’t prepared to share her. He would never expect her to break things off with Matt at his demand but he had definitely underestimated how hard this was going to be.

He had been making his way from the lab to his desk when he spotted a familiar figure stood outside. He was obviously waiting for Nikki, much to Jack’s annoyance. He walked over to the door, buzzing it open.

“Matt,” he called out. “What can I do for you? Do you want me to get Nikki?” He wanted nothing more than the ground to swallow him up and he’d only just said hello to the man.

“Well I was hoping to talk to you actually,” Matt started.

Jack’s eyebrows furrowed, his mind racing about what exactly it was Matt was getting at, “Alright.” He lead the way onto the sofas by the entrance.

He watched as Matt dug into his pocket, pulling out a small box. Jack felt his heart drop knowing what was in the box. Of course this would be happening now, just to make everything that little bit more harder for him. Matt passed the box to him and Jack found himself reluctantly opening the box, being even more heartbroken by the result.

“I just wanted to know what you think. Do you think she’ll like it?” Matt asked, his voice eager.

Jack was completely lost for words, how was he meant to reply to this? He didn’t want to encourage it for his own selfish reasons but he couldn’t put him off the idea because that would just look odd on his behalf. He managed to settle with a, “Yeah, don’t see why not.” He handed the box back to Matt feeling as though the small box was burning through his skin.

“Do you think you might be able to go find her for me?” Jack could tell that his voice was shaking and he had a horrible feeling that he was going to do it now.

“Are you going to do this now?” Jack threw back trying to hide the obvious annoyance in his voice.

Matt just nodded, smirking. Jack shook his head, standing up as he made his way back inside in the search of Nikki. He needed to warn her. Thankfully she was emerging from the observation room as he was walking down the hallway, he stopped her, grabbing her by the waist.

“Jack what are you doing?” She pushed him away, quickly checking to see if the two of them were alone. Mercifully they were.

“Matt’s here,” Jack warned.

“What?” Nikki’s head flicked in the direction of the entrance spotting his dark figure looking in their direction, she started to make her way towards him but Jack had pulled her back, gripping on to her arm. She pulled out of his grasp scared that Matt would be able to see them.

“Nikki, I think he’s…” he began was cut off by Nikki who was ignoring him and making her over to Matt. She knew Matt would be thinking all sorts if her and Jack spent any longer than was necessary together. And to be fair, he wouldn’t be reaching all that much.

Jack had tried to chase after her but she’d got to Matt first, opening the door to let Matt in. Matt had looked over to Jack, giving him a wink before kissing Nikki and proceeding to get down on one knee. He pulled the box out and opened it up to reveal the ring that was placed inside.

Nikki felt as though her stomach was now on the floor. She could hear Clarissa coming into the room, calling for Thomas to come in as well. It was bad enough she had Jack’s eyes boring into the back of her skull, but now she had an audience.

“Nikki, will you marry me?” And there was the dreaded question.

Every little moment, every little kiss and every little touch that had occurred between herself and Jack over the past couple of days ran through her head. The guilt had already been overwhelming but now it was through the roof. Her heart was racing and it felt as though the sweat was dripping down her face. She had to answer sooner or later, she was letting it linger for too long. She had to stop herself from looking in Jack’s direction, too scared of what he might do. She closed her eyes,thinking of her next move.

It was Jack or Matt. Matt who had saved her from a difficult time in her life, who would provide her with stability. He didn’t want children but she could live with that, her and children probably weren’t the best mix after all. She loved him in a way and he was a good distraction from the chaos of this place and she hadn’t realised how much she needed that until she met him. But then there was Jack. Sweet, loving and caring Jack. Who may have had a wicked temper and at times scared her but he would go to the ends of the Earth for her no matter what stood in his way. She had always loved him but that love was often confusing, she was never quite sure whether it was the kind of love you share with a family member or the love that is shared between two people. And he had made her laugh over the past couple of days, she hadn’t laughed like that in a long time.

But now she was having to decide between her heart and her head. Her heart yearned and ached for Jack, for the security of him. For the sense of home she got from him. Her head was telling her that Matt would be the right decision, he would be the one to give her everything she had ever wanted. A marriage and stability in her drama fuelled life.

“Yes,” slipped from her lips without even realising and before she knew it Matt was pulling her into his arms and was kissing her. She didn’t even want to imagine Jack’s face right now.

Clarissa could see it though, it was written all over him and that was all the confirmation she needed. She watched Jack’s face drop and his fists slowly turn white from how hard he was squeezing his hand. He slowly turned away making his way out of the room. She had made her way after him since Thomas congratulated the couple on everyone else’s behalf.

As she rounded the corner she found Jack leaning his hands on the wall, breathing heavily.

“Jack,” she said softly, trying not to startle him. “How long has it been going on?” She asked but he didn’t answer her. He didn’t even bother to look in her direction. “Okay. Let me guess, the day of the funeral last week? You were acting weird then but you seemed to cheer up once Matt had gone to America. Nikki too, which was odd to me since she was normally the opposite when Matt wasn’t around.”

Jack straightened up, trying to stop the tears from slipping down his cheeks. Clarissa slowly edged closer to him, keeping her voice low.

“I can’t imagine how hard that was for you,” she breathed. “I’m really sorry Jack. I don’t know what I can do to help.”

She had seen Jack getting his heart broken one too many times for her liking. He always seemed to be unlucky in love and she was struggling to understand why. He was fiercely loyal and loved with every fibre of his being. He got things wrong from time to time, of course he did. He was only human after all. She had known from the beginning that there was a spark between him and Nikki but she had never envisioned that it would end up like this. She always thought that Nikki would eventually come round to her senses and realise that Jack had been there the whole time. She would like nothing more than to bang their heads together as she realised that she was now going to have to deal with a very moody Jack and a sullen Nikki.

“This is bullshit,” he pushed his way past Clarissa and back into the offices.

Clarissa turned around and followed him closely, wary of his next move. Thankfully, Matt had seemed to have disappeared in that time and Nikki was sitting down at her desk, Thomas in his own office. Almost as if everything that had just happened in the past ten minutes had all been a dream. Jack flopped down at his desk, Clarissa making her way to her own desk but not taking her eye of Jack. He was just staring at Nikki, his face full of thunder.

Nikki tried to ignore the looks she was receiving from Jack as she ran her thumb over the ring that now sat on her finger. It felt odd but she couldn’t get her mind away from Jack. She was feeling awful but she could’t help but feel that Matt’s proposal was the wake up call for her. What was going on between herself and Jack would not last, she had just gone in over her head. She needed to make a go of things with Matt now, he was her future.

She stood up, walking over to Jack, “Can I have a word?”

Jack had watched her every move, giving her a simple nod as they made their way to the observation room. Clarissa couldn’t help but worry as the two of them left. Jack had an awful temper sometimes.

“Are you going to explain to me what the hell just happened?” Jack exclaimed, keeping his back to her.

“Jack, sit,” she spoke. Jack turned around to face her now but he didn’t sit. He couldn’t sit down. He needed to walk his anger out otherwise he was going to explode. Nikki sighed, knowing it was pointless trying to get Jack to listen to her when he was like this. “I’m sorry. But the past couple of days, me and you. I was just kidding myself. It should never have happened.”

“I really needed you to not say that to me,” his voice wobbled, feeling the emotions crawling up his throat. He shook his head, leaning his hands on the desk to steady himself and prepare him for the blow that was about to come from Nikki’s mouth.

“It has to end,” she breathed. “My future is with Matt, what happened just now has proved that to me. These past couple of weeks have been tough and I lost my head. And I should never have you brought you into that and I’m so sorry.” She made her way closer to Jack, moving to place a hand on his shoulder. But he flinched away from her almost as if she had burned him. “Jack please. I can’t lose you.”

He straightened up, looking down at her. His hand came to rest on her cheek, “You don’t love him. You never have,”he wanted nothing more than to kiss her but he couldn’t, not now. He felt as though his heart had been shattered. “You know that as much as I know that. And one day you’re going to realise it. But please, don’t forget these past couple of days and how truly happy you’ve been. Because it’s the happiest you’ve been in a long time.”

He placed a kiss on her cheek before dropping his hand and stepping away from her.

“When you’re ready to realise that, I’ll be here. But I won’t wait around forever so you best make up your mind, it’s me or him. You can carry on trying to convince yourself that you love him or you can follow your heart for a change,” his finger gestured between the two of them. “This thing between you and I, it’s not a mistake. You know that, deep down, you know it. I love you Nikki, I always have and I know that you feel the same. But it’s your decision now. Whatever you decide, I will respect it because I respect you. And yes it might hurt but I’m a big boy, I can live with that. I just hope that you make the right choice for you.”

He didn’t want to give her that ultimatum, he didn’t want to put that pressure on her, it wasn’t fair. He had said from the beginning that he wasn’t going to do this. But he wasn’t going to stand around and watch the woman he loved get married to someone else, especially when he knew how she felt about him.

Feeling the lump in his throat, he turned and headed out of the room. He picked up his coat with only one other place on his mind. Clarissa watched him leave, not even bothering to ask and she couldn’t say that she blamed him. If she had just watched the person she loved get engaged to someone else right in front of her then she’d want to get beaten up as well.

But that left Nikki alone, in the observation room, her mind whirring with all the thoughts running around her head. She had wanted to chase after him, to tell him that she loved him too but she had to think about Matt. The tears fell from her eyes as she sat down on one of the chairs, her hands unintentionally coming to a praying position. She didn’t know why, she had never believed in God but maybe she was hoping for an answer to all of this.

She wiped her damp cheeks as she heard Clarissa approaching, placing herself opposite from Nikki.

“For someone who’s just got engaged you don’t seem very happy,” Clarissa pointed out. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I suppose Jack’s already told you,” she replied, looking over at the other woman.

“He didn’t have to and neither do you. Do you want to know what I think?” Clarissa breathed, waiting for Nikki to nod before continuing. “I think you’re making a mistake. And I’m not saying that because Jack’s my friend but these past couple of days, I’ve noticed this change in you. You seem happier, like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders. I can only imagine that that is a result of a certain Irishman. Now tell me to piss off but are you really going to walk away from that?”

Nikki just shrugged her shoulders, not finding the right words. She knew Clarissa was right and she knew she wasn’t just here to fight Jack’s corner. She had always left the fighting to Jack but if she was here speaking to Nikki then it was for a reason.

“So tell me, what does Matt give you that Jack doesn’t?” Clarissa dared to ask.

Nikki sighed, “Stability, I guess. A distraction from this place.”

“And Jack can’t give you those things?” Clarissa retorted. “Jack who would move heaven and Earth for you at the drop of a hat? Who stayed up all night so he could bail you out of prison. Who, rightfully, had a go at me for not supporting you. Who has been there for you whenever you have needed him. Jack is in love with you Nikki and you would be a fool to let him go. I can see that you love him too.”

“But what do I do?”

“You know what you have to do. Find Jack before he beats himself into a coma and tell him how you feel. If you stay with Matt you are going to end up regretting it for the rest of your life, you don’t love him Nikki, it’s as obvious to me as it is to Thomas,” Clarissa warned.

Nikki nodded, knowing that Clarissa was right, she always was. And she was just the person Nikki needed to make her see sense. And with that she stood up and headed out of the room, her hand fishing in her pocket to grab her car keys. As she sat down in her car she looked down at the ring sitting on her left hand. Her heart was racing but she swiftly pulled it off her finger, letting it drop into one of the drink holders as she started her engine up and made her way to Jack’s gym.

She stopped at one of the red lights, her head running through all the things she wanted to say to Jack and how exactly she was going to say them. She waited until the light turned green but as she pulled forward, she heard the shriek of brakes dragging across the concrete road and the next thing she knew, everything had gone black.


	5. Chapter 5

It was the faint sound of a siren that caused her to stir. She could feel shooting pains all over her body and her eyes were blurred. It was hurting her even more so she kept them closed. The panic was rising up her throat as she tried to feel around her but she was stuck, she couldn’t move. Her throat ached as she called out, she didn’t know what, or who, she was calling out for but she was hoping for anyone. Anyone to get her out of this mess.

She could feel herself drifting off again, not registering how her door had been flung open, a paramedic following. She seen the flash of green before she slipped away again.

“Hello love,” the paramedic started, preparing his initial examinations and trying to get her attention. He could see that she was breathing so that was a relief. He couldn’t say the same about the other person involved. “My name’s Richard, can you hear me?”

She came round again and tried to open her eyes. She could see the dark brown hair and she could’ve sworn she heard an Irish accent, “Jack?” She managed to get out, reaching out with her hand as her seatbelt loosened it’s grip on her.

“Stay still for me,” he took hold of her neck, keeping it straight as he called out to his partner to get a board ready. “Now I’m going to get you out of the car, now it might hurt a little bit so I’m going to give you some of this to ease the pain. Can you tell me your name?”

She could barely register anything that was going on but she managed to catch the question he had asked, “Nikki,” she spoke before she moved to take hold of the gas and air, taking a few deep breaths of it. She was feeling even more light-headed now but the pain across her body alleviated.

She blacked out again and the next thing she knew she was lying down in the back of the ambulance, the sirens ringing off once again. Although somewhat clearer this time. She could feel the mask on her face and she was trying to make sense of the room around her. Her hand was reaching out again trying to grab the paramedics attention. She had only one person on her mind and she needed to speak to him. She needed to tell him how she was feeling otherwise she might not get the chance again and he’d never know the truth.

“Jack,” she mumbled underneath the mask. The paramedic stood up instantly, pulling her mask away so she could speak more clearly. “Jack.” She repeated.

“Is Jack your partner?” The paramedic asked.

“I need…to…speak…to him,” she said in-between deep breaths. She closed her eyes, trying to gather the strength to get through the next couple of minutes. “My phone.” She looked in the direction of her bag that they had managed to retrieve from the wreckage.

The paramedic turned, rummaging through her bag to pull out her phone. As he unlocked it, he scrolled through her contacts and clicked on Jack’s name. The dial tone rang out for a few seconds before the voicemail started.

He waited for the beep, “Jack,” he started wanting to keep it short and quick. “My name is Richard, I’m a paramedic. Your partner has been in a collision and we’re currently on our way to St Thomas’ hospital.”

Nikki made to grab her phone so the paramedic lowered it to her ear, “Jack…I’m sorry,” she swallowed, battling against her body wanting to give up. “It’s you…I love you.” She gasped for air, feeling herself slip out of consciousness, the last thing she could hear were the machines bleeping.

* * *

Clarissa had pottered about back at the Lyell, trying to think of stuff to do whilst her fellow colleagues were probably screaming down each other’s throat. Unless of course they had ironed their problems out but then she really didn’t want to imagine what was happening then. Thomas had come out to ask where the pair of them had suddenly disappeared off to but when Clarissa had tried to avoid answering the question, he decided that he didn’t really care that much. It was sometimes best to be blissfully unaware.

She was about to settle into writing up one of her many reports when the phone starting ringing, reaching out she put the phone to her ear.

“The Lyell Centre, Clarissa Mullery speaking,” she spoke, trying to sound as positive as possible. But her face had dropped at the words spoken on the other end of the phone. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She put the phone down, receiving all the information she needed.

She made her way into Thomas’ office as quickly as possible, “Nikki’s been in an accident.”

“What?” Thomas’ head shot up instantly.

“That was the hospital, they couldn’t get hold of Jack so they tried us,” she breathed, still takenback by what has just happened in a matter of seconds. Thomas stood up, pulling his jacket on, grabbing his phone out of his pocket and almost running out of the door.

“You stay here, wait for Jack and try to get hold of him, I’m going down there,” Thomas shot over his shoulder. “I’ll try to ring Matt as well.”

Then he was gone, leaving behind an eerie silence. Clarissa looked around the room, not quite sure of what to do with herself. She would try to get hold of Jack but she knew it was pointless when he was in one of his moods. But she tried anyway, it was the least she could do.

She had no luck over the next hour but there was a sense of relief as she picked the phone up to try him one last time and he came bursting through the door; blissfully unaware of what was going on. She rushed over to him, taking him by surprise.

“Woah slow down old girl,” Jack exclaimed, dramatically throwing his hands in the air, a smile on his face. That soon dropped when he realised that Clarissa wasn’t smiling back at him and he was wondering what the hell was going on. “What’s happened?”

There was no getting past him sometimes, “Nikki’s been in an accident, the hospital have been trying to ring you,” she told him. Jack had turned on the spot and was heading back out of the Lyell, Clarissa following behind him. She’d had enough of waiting around, she needed to know that Nikki was okay.

They turned up at the hospital in record time and Clarissa was starting to wonder how he didn’t break any of the speed limits. He barely gave her enough time to get out of the car as they sped towards reception. Jack slammed his hands down on the desk, feeling the air escaping his lungs at an alarming rate.

“I need to see Nikki Alexander, she was brought in an hour ago,” he wasn’t sure how he was able to get the words out but he supposed the adrenaline that was surging around his body helped.

The receptionist had opened his mouth to speak, probably to tell him to calm down but a doctor who’d rounded the corner had beaten him to it.

“Are you Jack?” She asked.

“Yeah?” He replied, curious as to how she knew his name.

“Follow me,” she started walking away, both Jack and Clarissa keeping closely behind her. “She was asking for you in the ambulance,” the doctor explained as they walked through various doors. “We have had to put her on a ventilator to keep her stable and she’s going to be heading up for a CT scan soon, just to make sure everything is as it should be. She’s very lucky to be alive and to only have come out with a few broken ribs. That we know of anyway. The other driver didn’t make it.”

She sighed as she stopped outside a door. Jack made eye contact with Thomas who was sat on one of the chairs outside. Clarissa moved to join Thomas, knowing that Jack would want to go in and see Nikki on his own. Besides, Thomas would be able to give her more of an update since he had a better understanding of how things worked around here.

“Now she is asleep but as you may know there’s a chance she can still hear you,” the doctor slowly opened the door, allowing Jack to enter.

The tears had been stored up the whole journey but now he was in that room. Now that he was taking her in, the regular beat of the machine. The noise of the ventilator pumping air into her lungs. He felt them drop from his eyes as he took a step forward. He didn’t know what to do with himself, she looked so fragile on that bed and so silent. He wanted to chuckle, Nikki had never been this quiet in her whole life. She always had something to say.

He perched himself on the side of her bed, carefully taking hold of her hand in his. It was awkward trying to manoeuvre his way around the IV lines but he managed somehow. His thumb stroking over her soft skin, the tears in his eyes never ending.

“Nikki I’m so sorry,” he started. He did feel somewhat foolish, as if he was talking into thin air. But if she could hear him and if she was listening then she had to know how much it was killing him to see her like this because he had acted like a child and ran away, like he always did. “If I hadn’t have asked you to choose between myself and Matt, if I hadn’t have stormed off. You would never have got in that car and you would not be lying here right now. I love you so much Nikki, I don’t know what I’d do without you and I’m sure as hell not going to let that conversation be our last.”

He took a deep breath trying to steady himself. His free hand came to brush the brown hair out of her face, he could barely see her underneath all those tubes, it was as if it wasn’t his Nikki at all. “Do you know, all I could think of when I was driving up here was how the last time we were here, it was me in the hospital bed. Fighting for my life, I’d always imagined what it would feel like if it had been the other way round. Now I wished I hadn’t because it’s awful,” he couldn’t stop the sobs escaping as he thought about his next words. His hands coming to cover his mouth, calming them slightly. He cleared his throat, “It also made me realise how much I can’t lose you. No matter what happens, whatever you decide, as long as you’re still in my life I don’t care. You’re my best friend Nikki, my best friend. I love you.”

He could feel himself losing control then, he let go. He let himself cry as he felt his heart breaking. He thought he had known heartbreak the moment she said yes to Matt earlier but he had no idea of what it actually felt like to have your heart break completely in two. Now he knew, now he wished he could go back in time to three hours ago and tell his former self that it could be worse. Maybe then he wouldn’t have left, maybe then she wouldn’t have chased after him and got herself into this mess.

As the tears flowed freely down his cheeks, he looked at the hand resting in his. How delicate and petite it looked underneath his roughed up knuckles. They were still red from punching the bag. He should never have gone, he should never have left her. He was playing all the different scenarios over and over again in his head. All the things he would’ve done differently. What he did know now, was that he wasn’t going to leave her side. He’d thought he’d learnt from his mistake when he left her in Mexico, yet here he was again letting Nikki slip away from him again. She was always in danger because of him. If he hadn’t made his feelings so obvious in Mexico, she wouldn’t have been taken. If he didn’t walk away from her, she wouldn’t be lying in a hospital bed fighting for her life.

He tried to slow his breathing as he felt the panic rising up his throat but the feeling of her hand moving under his distracted him. His head flicked up but there was no movement in her face. His eyes travelled to where her hand rested in his and sure enough, she was squeezing his hand. It was ever so slightly and he almost missed it but it was there. She was listening to him.

“Nikki?” He whispered. His hand coming to rest on her cheek as he moved further up the bed. “Can you hear me Nikks? Squeeze my hand again if you can hear me?” He waited a few painfully long seconds but she squeezed his hand. It was weak and he could tell that she was using all she could muster but it was a relief to know that she was alive. She was doing her best to pull through. She still had a fight left in her. She was still her stubborn self, always wanting to have the last word.

Jack couldn’t stop the grin that was spreading across his face, the tears now subsiding. The smile wasn’t to last for very long however as he could hear an American accent in the distance. And that said American accent did not sound happy. He didn’t want to leave her side, he wanted to stay there, comforting her and given that she had squeezed his hand as tightly as she could manage then she obviously wanted him to stay. But it would do them no favours for Matt to see them like this. He would know straight away and Nikki needed to focus on getting better.

He dropped a kiss to her hand before letting it rest at her side once again. Standing up he made his way to the door. He slowly opened it, revealing a very wound up Matt who was starting to become quite aggressive towards the hospital staff. He quickly made his way over to the man, placing a hand on his chest, pushing him back slowly. Matt just flinched away from him.

“I don’t think Nikki needs all this, do you?” He spoke softly, it was unusual for him to be the mediator, he was usually the one picking the fights. But he tried his best and his words seemed to have done the trick as he watched Matt calm down. “She might be unconscious but she can still hear you, alright?” He decided against telling him that she had squeezed his hand, he wanted to keep that between himself and Nikki. Something personal for them. And quite frankly, it was going to be strange if she didn’t show any signs that she was listening to Matt when he knew she had for Jack.

Matt made eye contact with Jack. He was still annoyed, that was as plain as day but he was much cooler on the outside. Jack was starting to wonder what it was that had got him so worked up. He had been distraught and upset and wanted nothing more than to see Nikki, to see for himself that she was okay. She wasn’t in the best of shapes but she was alive and that was the main thing. But Matt, he was furious. That’s not how you react when you find out your fiancée has been in a car accident.

Jack backed off, giving the other man space as he moved, disappearing behind the door. It had only been a couple of minutes but it had felt as though he’d been away from her for hours. That brief moment they shared quickly being forgotten amongst Matt’s outburst. Jack shook his thoughts away, trying to keep his focus on Nikki as he sat down next to Clarissa.

But he couldn’t stop thinking about Matt, “That was odd, wasn’t it? It can’t just be me who’s noticed that?”

Clarissa glanced over at Thomas who was sat on the other side of Jack. She shrugged her shoulders, “People deal with things differently I suppose.”

“But you wouldn’t be angry would you? Nikki’s alive,” he exclaimed.

“Unless he found something out,” Clarissa dared to suggest.

Jack’s head snapped up, his heart dropping, “You haven’t told him have you?”

“Oh come on Jack,” Clarissa rolled her eyes, slightly offended that Jack would think she’d break their trust, with Matt of all people. She didn’t really have an opinion on the man but she wouldn’t trust him as far as she could throw him. He seemed to have made Nikki happier until recently and that’s all that mattered to her. The rest was Nikki’s business.

Thomas’ brows furrowed, suddenly interested in the conversation, “Told him what?”

Jack and Clarissa’s eyes connected suddenly, Jack shaking his head slightly. Clarissa looked away from him letting out a sigh, “It’s not my place to tell.”

Thomas breathed, feeling himself getting worked up, “Look, if it’s about you and Nikki sleeping together I already know.”

Jack’s head now twisted to face Thomas, “What? How?”

“Really?” he raised an eyebrow at his colleague. “Well first of all, you stormed off after Matt proposed which I thought was odd at the time but you often do that so I didn’t think anything of it. Secondly, Nikki ran after you.”

“How did you know she ran after me?” Jack retorted.

Thomas tried to fight the temptation to roll his eyes, “She was heading in the direction of the gym, she had conveniently taken her engagement ring off and the only person she kept asking for in the ambulance was you. I know you think I’m a boring, old pathologist but I have picked up a few things along the way,” he said, with a smug tone to his voice. “Now I don’t care what goes on between you and Nikki, so long as it doesn’t affect your work, okay?”

Jack nodded, keeping his mouth shut. So much for keeping it quiet. But then he supposed he shouldn’t expect anything less when he works alongside a top forensic pathologist and an even better forensic examiner. They were bound to figure it out sooner or later. Jack let out a deep breath, knowing that this was going to be a long night.

It had felt as though he had dozed off, he probably had. He was surprised to see the time on his watch as he glanced down at it. Matt hadn’t left the room once, he’d gone with her when she went for her CT scan and he’s stayed by her side ever since. Not giving Jack the chance to have a look in. It was starting to really get to him, he knew that Matt was her fiancé but Jack also knew that she didn’t love him. She had even taken her engagement ring off.

He stood up to stretch his legs and to also look in the window. He wanted to see what was actually going on in there but it had looked as though Matt had fallen asleep, holding Nikki’s hand. It pained him to watch the scene in front of him, wishing that he had the privilege to do that. To be able to sit at her bedside for hours and have no one question it because they were just two people in love.

He looked over at the other side of the hallway, Clarissa had left them ages ago but Thomas was still hanging around. No doubt wanting to keep an eye on Jack so he didn’t make any stupid decisions. He watched as Thomas lifted his own watch to check the time, his eyes widening as he realised how many hours they had been sat there for. He ran his hands up and down his thighs before he too was getting up onto his feet.

“I think we better get going,” he suggested, his voice hoarse from being so quiet for so long. “There’s not much we can do sitting here. She seems to be out of the worst of it anyway and they said they’ll let us know if there are any changes.” He edged over to Jack, looking in the small window himself. “Jack can I say something?”

“I feel like you’re going to anyway.”

“I can’t count how many times I’ve been in your position. There’s nothing worse than loving someone and being unable to show that,” he started. “But it won’t be for long. Nikki’s a smart woman, she’ll realise where her heart belongs sooner or later. But you need to give her space to do that. And the longer you stay here, the more you’ll get frustrated about being unable to go in and be with her. And I’m scared that those frustrations are going to be taken out on a certain person and you’ll end up saying something you regret. And as you said earlier, Nikki doesn’t need that right now.”

Jack took in every word he was saying. He knew he was right. He could feel himself getting worked up already. He wanted to be the one to sit in with her and he couldn’t. He sighed, looking down at his shoes as he admitted defeat. He didn’t have much choice anyway but he had to give her space. He felt Thomas pat him on the shoulder before he made his way out down the corridor.

He waited a few moments before he made the final decision and walked in the footsteps of his colleague. He didn’t even realise he had managed to drive all the way home until he pulled up in the car park. His mind had been blank the whole journey, unable to think of anything in particular. Too many things to think about.

It wasn’t until he walked into his apartment did everything hit him all at once. His eyes wandered around the open space, this affair had only started a little over a week ago yet Nikki seemed to have left her mark on the place. He wandered to his cupboard, opening it up to see that one of Nikki’s mugs had somehow sneaked it’s way in. He shook his head, letting the never-ending flow of tears slip down his cheeks.

He quickly decided that he wasn’t in the mood for a coffee or a tea, instead choosing to pull out a bottle of whisky. He didn’t drink all that often but he felt he needed it tonight. Just to shave some of that pain off. He knew it wouldn’t eradicate it, nothing could do that right now but he hoped it would help somewhat.

He carried his glass over as he slumped down on the sofa. Feeling a lump prodding into his back, he moved only to realise it was one of her various scarves. He held it in his hand, running his thumb over the soft material. He brought it to his nose, taking in the smell that was just _her._ She never wore perfume, she had told him years ago that it interfered with post mortems but there was still a distinct waft of whatever hair product she used that seemed to linger on the scarf.He sobbed as he almost hugged the material, it was the closest he felt he could get to her at the minute.

He lied back, still holding her scarf against his chest. He jumped as he felt his phone buzzing in his back pocket. He hadn’t checked it all night, his mind occupied with other stuff. His lips twitched slightly as he read the text from Clarissa wishing him well and that she was always there for him should he need her. Their friendship often baffled him, they usually strayed away from being sentimental, instead choosing to wind each other up and joke around. But he knew he could always rely on Clarissa for a shoulder to cry on as she he.

He scrolled through his phone, noticing that he had a notification for a voicemail. He knew that he had multiple missed calls from Clarissa and a number he assumed was the hospital but as he clicked on it, his face screwed up as he realised it had come from Nikki. He clicked on her name letting the voicemail play.

“Jack, my name is Richard, I’m a paramedic. Your partner has been in a collision and we’re currently on our way to St Thomas’ hospital.”

Jack breathed deeply, his heart racing. He was so annoyed at himself for not answering that call. He had known it was Nikki but he was ignoring it because he was angry, not angry at her as such but more at the situation. He knew he should’ve answered the phone, he could’ve been there for her sooner, not over an hour after she had arrived at the hospital in the first place.

He let the voicemail continue, noticing that it still had a few couple of seconds left, “Jack…I’m sorry,” his heart shattered at the sound of her voice. She was struggling to even breathe let alone talk. He knew that she was doing everything in her power to get these words out, just in case she never got the chance to say them. “It’s you…I love you.” That tipped him over the edge, he locked his phone, fighting against the urge to throw it across the room. If he did that he would only break it and then he would lose the one message that would be able to carry him through what may be the hardest couple of days of his life.

She loved him that’s all he needed to hear but maybe it was too late for them. Maybe they had ruined their chances for happiness. Maybe that was it now.


	6. Chapter 6

It had been a couple of days since the crash and Nikki had been kept in the hospital over that time period, the doctors wanting to keep an extra eye on her. Nothing had come out of the CT scans but they had wanted to be sure since the other person in the crash hadn’t made it. And on the off chance that other injuries may have developed, thankfully for her they didn’t and she only came out with a few broken ribs.

During the time Nikki had spent in that hospital bed she had only really seen Matt. He hadn’t left her side. Of course she had seen Thomas, Clarissa and Jack respectively. But neither stuck around long enough to have a proper chat about the things they had wanted to talk about. Especially Jack. She had only wanted to talk to him, she needed to tell him exactly why she had been on her way to the gym. She needed to tell him how she felt.

But Matt was always there, always in the way. Never giving her a moments peace. She hadn’t minded so much but she felt as though she couldn’t breathe without him thinking that something was wrong. She just wanted some space, even if was just to be with her own thoughts.

It was a Monday morning when they were finally discharging her from the hospital and she was actually able to go home. She had wanted to discharge herself before but the doctors refused it. And Matt had somehow persuaded her to stay, as it would’ve been for the best. Thomas had also told her that she had the next couple of weeks off but she told him that it wasn’t necessary and that she would be in work as soon as she was allowed out of hospital.

Matt, of course, had been the one to help bring her home. He was starting to frustrate her with his constant fussing. She just wanted to be able to do something for herself, she could feel that she was still in pain but she wasn’t used to having someone wait on her hand and foot like this. And it made her realise that she didn’t like it and that there was a reason why she had been so independent for most of her life.

She could feel the stabbing pain in her chest as Matt lowered her down on the sofa. She didn’t need him to help her like that but the way he had insisted she found it better to just go along with it rather than argue with him. She wasn’t really in the mood for arguing right now.

Matt leaned forward, placing his lips on her forehead briefly, “Now I know you love being treated like a queen but I’m going to have to leave you to it. They need me in work today since I haven’t been there for the past couple of days,” he grinned at her, his hands cupping her face. “If you need anything, just give me a call and I’ll be back as quickly as possible.”

Nikki did her best to smile back at him but she couldn’t help but feel relieved at the fact she was finally going to have some time to herself. Or at least she would have time to talk to the people she actually wanted to talk to. People being Jack. She thanked him, her voice still rough and her throat scratchy from all the tubes they had put in her.

She waited a good ten minutes after she heard the click of the front door and the ignition of Matt’s car before she picked up her phone. She needed to be sure that he was completely out of the way as she dared to dial Jack’s number.

Nikki took a deep breath before scrolling through the various names on her phone, eventually landing on Jack. It had only rung once before she was being connected to him on the other end.

“Nikki?” The sound of his voice made her heart drop. She hadn’t been able to listen to him properly with Matt’s constant presence. He never really spoke when he came to the hospital, she knew he wasn’t the most sociable person but with Matt being there as well it had made things ten times worse.

“Jack,” she replied, not really sure of what she had actually wanted to say. She just knew that she needed to see him. “Can you come round? Please?”

“Is Matt there?” He asked.

Nikki shook her head but quickly remembered that he was only on the phone and not with her in person, “No,” she breathed.

“I’ll be there in about five minutes, alright?” He replied on the other side. Nikki could tell that he was just as eager to see her as much as she was him and she couldn’t stop the smile gracing her face. She could hear him rustling around before the line went dead.

Pulling her phone away from her ear, she let out a sigh. A mixture of nervousness and anticipation bubbling up inside her. She didn’t know why, it was just Jack after all. But then so many things had changed between them in the space of two weeks. She slowly lifted herself up from the chair, breathing deeply to try and ease the pain. She had stocked up on so many drugs at this point, it was a surprise that her whole body still hurt.

Walking over to the mirror, she caught sight of herself and she almost let out a chuckle. Raising her hand, she did her best to try and fix her hair. She knew that there wasn’t much she could do and no doubt Jack was already around the corner. Her suspicions being confirmed as she heard a car pulling up outside.

She had to stop herself from going to open the door just in case it wasn’t actually him. Feeling her heart drop as she heard the knocking on the front door, she moved as quickly as her injuries had allowed her. She could see his outline in the frosted window and she could feel herself almost panicking. She hadn’t realised just how much she had actually missed him until that very moment.

Edging closer, she pushed the handle down, revealing Jack behind it. She could see that he was trying to keep calm, probably for the sake of not overwhelming her. This was her first night at home after all. But Nikki didn’t care, she took a step forward, closing the distance between them and wrapping her arms around his neck.

Jack could feel her wincing underneath him as he carefully engulfed her in his arms. He wanted to hold on to her as tight as he possibly could, he didn’t want to let go of her. The past couple of days had been torturous, perhaps even worse than the days he had spent trying to forget about her after Mexico. He couldn’t help himself as he tucked his face into her neck, letting his lips linger on her flesh. It hadn’t even been that long since they had properly been together and Jack had gone even longer in the past. But being with her right now and holding her frame in his arms, he wasn’t going to last.

Attempting to take back some self control, Nikki didn’t need all of this right now she had to focus on getting better, Jack backed off. Reluctantly dropping his arms from around her. He could feel the chill of the outside world on the back of his legs as he realised that they were still stood on her doorstep, exposed to everyone on the street. And if her neighbours were as nosy as his then they would know he was certainly not Matt and no doubt the rumours would spread within seconds.

There’s a sense of awkwardness between the two, neither quite knowing what to say to the other. Especially considering the last time they had spoken to each other properly, things between them had turned sour. They both opened their mouths at the same time but were consequently cut off by one another. Smiles gracing both of their faces.

“You go first,” Nikki offered as she guided the way towards her living room.

Jack watched as she slowly sat down on the sofa, the pain evident on her face. He wanted to reach out and help but he didn’t want to push the boundary that he could already see building up. But he did decide to sit next to her, not wanting to be too far away from her. There was still a space left between them and he was desperate to close it but he stayed where he was, it was for the best.

He waited for the moment to settle before he got on with what he wanted to say, “Well the first thing I want to say is sorry,” he couldn’t find the strength to look at her so his eyes remained fixed on his hands.

“Sorry about what?” She asked, surprised. She was trying her best to make herself comfortable without fussing too much but she was starting to struggle, wanting nothing more than just to spread out and relax.

Jack’s eyes connected with hers, she really was going to get him to explain himself despite his worries being painfully obvious. He raised an eyebrow at her as the expectant look remained on her face. He let out a sigh, “I’m sorry about what happened,” he started. It was hard enough admitting all of this in the hospital, but at least then he couldn’t see her reaction, she couldn’t argue against him. But now she was here and she was alive, he could see every little expression and that scared him because he had no idea of what may come of it.

“If I hadn’t given you that ultimatum, if I hadn’t walked away from you then,” he paused, the familiar lump in this throat threatening to approach. “Then none of this would’ve happened. You wouldn’t be sat here, dosed up on I don’t know what despite still being in pain. It’s my fault this happened to you.”

Nikki forced herself to not roll her eyes, this was so typical of Jack. Taking the blame for things he can’t and will never be able to control. It was endearing, in a way. But it also meant that he walked around with so much guilt on his shoulders all the time. She couldn’t count the amount of times she’d wanted to shake him and tell him that none of this is his fault.

“But it isn’t your fault Jack,” she reminded him, her voice soft as she reached out and placed her hand on his arm. “You didn’t make me come after you, I chose to. I made that decision.”

“But I walked out in the first place,” he interrupted her.

Nikki felt as though she wanted to scream, “You didn’t force me into the car. You didn’t tell me to follow you. These things happen and I’m still here. Isn’t that a good thing?”

Jack dipped his head, he knew she was right. He had a tendency to focus on the negatives when really Nikki being alive was the most important thing, because now he’d be able to resolve that last conversation they had, hopefully at least. He lifted his head once again, unshed tears sitting in his eyes. He leaned over, resting his palm against her cheek as his thumb swiped her tears away.

“I’m sorry,” he breathed.

“You’ve got to stop saying sorry Jack,” she did her best to keep her cool. “If anyone should be sorry it’s me. I didn’t want to say yes to him but with everyone there I couldn’t say no. I couldn’t do that to him.”

“So you did it to me instead,” the tears finally dropped.

“Jack that’s not fair,” her hand moved to grip his wrist. She didn’t want to let him go, she didn’t want him to run away again. He needed to know how she felt, what she was going to tell him that day. She needed to explain herself. “I don’t want to marry him, I don’t want to be with him. I want to be with you, Jack, I love you.” She tried so hard to not the sobs escape and she did well to keep them down for now.

“I feel there’s a but coming,” he knew her more than she knew herself and given how her eyes had dropped from his, he was right.

“I can’t leave him, not right anyway,” she explained. “He’s been there for me so much over the past couple of days, I can’t just throw that back in his face. I need for things to settle down and then I’ll leave him.”

He didn’t know what to think of that. He wanted to move, he wanted to run but he felt compelled to stay there. Their bodies connected. The idea that Nikki had just been using him had run through his head more times than he would like to admit. She had been having troubles with Matt and of course she turned to a friend in her hour of need. But he was just as bad as she was, he had taken advantage of that situation. He was up for it as much as she was and now they were in this situation.

But he knew that she loved him and it wasn’t just a case of her saying these things to keep him sweet. He could see in her eyes that she meant every word she said. And it broke him even more. Because he knew, deep down, she would probably stay with Matt. Just because he was kind to her. And just because he looked after her. But he could do those things, he could do them better. But he supposed that she’d probably never find that out.

“Jack I can’t lose you,” she barely let out.

Jack moved closer to her so he could wrap his arm around her and pull her into his chest, “Niks, you’re not going to lose me. I need you just as much as you need me, trust me,” his hand smoothed up and down her back as she sobbed into his t-shirt.

They stayed like that for a few moments until Nikki’s cries had subsided. She pulled away from him, her eyes now red and puffy. Jack’s hand pushed her hair away, their faces now dangerously close. He knew he shouldn’t close the gap, he knew that if he did that then they would just end up in a worse position than they already were. But that didn’t stop him and it didn’t seem to stop her either as she leaned forward.

Their lips brushed, it had been longer than they thought. They were testing the waters all over again. There was a brief moment, Jack could feel her breath run along his top lip and his fingers tingled with anticipation. His heart was racing. He couldn’t take it any longer. He had got a taste for her all over again and he just wanted more. He yearned for the familiarity of her.

He closed the gap, the intentions being much clearer this time. He carefully pushed her back, doing his best not to worsen any of her existing injuries. He felt her gasp under him as his hand swiped down her side. He broke their kiss almost instantly, feeling his heart drop as her brown eyes looked up at him.

Her hand cupped his cheeks, “It’s fine. I’m fine.” She whispered, the room suddenly feeling very quiet. She moved to capture his lips with hers, to reaffirm to him that this was something she wanted to do despite her ribs throbbing in pain. It was all worth it, for him.

As the kiss deepened, Nikki’s hand slipped between their bodies as she made work with undoing the button on his jeans. Having that little bit more freedom, her hand travelled beneath them, reaching to where he had wanted to feel her the most. A groan escaped the base of his throat as she took hold of him. It had taken him no time at all to get in this state and he was wondering how he had been able to sit on the opposite desk to her and control himself for eight years when this was the effect she had on him.

He wouldn’t last much longer, her hands running up and down his length. Wanting to be inside her, he pulled back, lifting himself from the sofa so he could rid himself of the bottom half of his clothing. He didn’t hesitate to help Nikki in the department either, not missing how she was struggling. Soon he was looming over her once again, their noses brushing as he pushed into her.

Nikki’s grip on his shoulder tightened as she gasped. Jack covered her mouth with his as he built up a rhythm between the two of them. He didn’t want to rush it, he wanted to take his time, allowing the adrenaline to surge around his body as he took all of her in. He also didn’t want to hurt her, she was fragile at the moment as it was.

He could feel her wrapping a leg around his torso, forcing him deeper. She threw her head back as the pleasure ripped through her. Jack took advantage of her exposed neck and nipped at the flesh, being careful so as not to leave a mark, as much as he would love to. She wasn’t his to mark.

That familiar pressure started building up and he could feel her tightening around him. He had wanted this moment to last, to be in this bubble with her forever. But as her lips connected with his, he was tipping over the edge. As was she. His pace slowed as he gripped onto the feeling with all his might. He broke the kiss, the pupils in her eyes blown and her lips swollen.

What he would give to have this everyday. To see her like this everyday and to have it be of his making. He had a fraction of that taste when Matt had gone away for those couple of days. Jack had thought he’d gotten over it but in that moment, he knew he hadn’t. And he knew he probably never would get over it.

Nikki’s palm rested on his cheek, feeling spent and completely worn out but still finding the energy to remind him that it was him she wanted, “I love you Jack. I promise you, I’m going to sort everything out with Matt,” she kissed him again, wanting to feel his lips on hers.

Jack believed her, he really did. And he was respectful enough to give her the time that she needed to get it all sorted and he would wait for her because that was the person he was. No doubt Clarissa would shake her head at him and call him a fool but he loved Nikki Alexander with every fibre of his being and he would go to the ends of the Earth for her.

He reluctantly pulled away from her, suddenly feeling very aware of the fact Nikki only had a thin netting covering the windows. Standing up, he stepped back into his boxers and his trousers, lifting them over his thighs. He watched as Nikki did almost the same thing, expect with a lot more effort. He really hoped he hadn’t made anything worse or put her in even more pain.

“How about I make us a cup of tea?” He asked, starting to feel awkward as he stood there. Nikki just give him a nod, her lips twitching. She was definitely looking a bit more at peace with the world that was for sure.

Jack tried not to smile too much at himself as he headed into the kitchen. He hadn’t ever really been in Nikki’s house before. In the days that Matt had been away, Nikki always came to his apartment. He had supposed that she didn’t want to feel guilty about sleeping in the same bed she would’ve slept with Matt. He shook the thought away, not keen on thinking about the man after what he and Nikki had just done.

He managed to manoeuvre his way around and he was halfway through the pouring the hot water when he heard the front door close. He doubted very much that it was Nikki which meant that there was only one other person it could’ve been. Jack felt his stomach dropping to the floor as he knew that if Matt had walked in only two minutes earlier, then he would’ve found them in a very compromising position. He tried to ignore the guilt settling in as Matt walked into the kitchen.

“Jack?” Matt spoke, a questioning tone to his voice. “What are you doing here?”

Jack tried his hardest to keep cool and not make things look ten times worse than they already were, “Uh, I thought I would just check in on the patient, see how she was doing,” he attempted to joke, surprising himself by remaining calm. “And to remind her that she’s not allowed to come back to work. You know what Nikki’s like.”

Matt chuckled but Jack could see he was being polite rather than being genuine. Jack had wanted to breathe a sigh of relief as Nikki joined the two of them but now he was feeling even more awkward. And judging by the look on Nikki’s face she was feeling the same as him. Not wanting to make things worse, he made his goodbyes to the pair and left as quickly as possible.

That left Nikki and Matt stood in her kitchen and Nikki could feel her temperature rising. She knew why Jack had left so suddenly, she would too if she could. A couple of minutes and it would be a completely different story. She had been so caught up in herself and what Matt could’ve seen she didn’t even realise that he wasn’t even meant to be home.

“How come your home?” She asked but she was distracted by him pouring the liquid in the mugs down the sink.

Matt looked back up at her, “You really shouldn’t be drinking tea, it’s not good for you,” he breathed. Walking over to her, he ran his hands up and down her arms. “It turns out they didn’t need me in the end and with everything going on, they thought that I would be better off coming back home to look after you instead,” his grin was sickly and it made Nikki shiver, he was being so kind to her and he had no idea of what he had just missed. Of what he could’ve walked in on.

“How about you go lie down and I’ll make you something better than tea?” Matt cupped her cheeks, planting his lips on her forehead briefly before letting her go. Nikki just nodded, not wanting to be in the same room as him. Matt waited until she was out of the room before he dug into his back pocket and pulled out his phone.

He flicked through his various contacts until he found the one he was looking for, he let the dial tone ring. Someone on the other end picked up, “Diane, I won’t be able to make it back today,” he paused, listening to the woman on the other end complaining. “I know, I know, I’m sorry. I know I only came to pick the laptop up but something’s come up and she needs me here. I’ll be in tomorrow okay?” He waited for the woman to say goodbye before he put the phone down again.


	7. Chapter 7

It had just been over a week since Nikki had been discharged from the hospital and despite the bruises on her ribs still causing her pain, she turned up for work. She had just wanted to get out of the house, partly because she was starting to go insane being locked up in the house and having nothing to do. It wasn’t like her to have this much free time on her hands. And partly because Matt was really starting to grate on her. He had insisted on staying home with her the whole time and he wouldn’t let her do anything for herself.

She just needed to get away and have a break. She had almost laughed at how she found comfort in being surrounded by death but it had become so part of her it was her normality now. She watched the numbers on the lift increase as she reached the third floor, she tried to calm her breathing as she thought about what Thomas was going to say. He was probably going to be annoyed at her but she just had to get out of the house.

Her heart was racing by the time the doors opened but she ignored it, this was something she needed to do. She took a deep breath and allowed the smile to spread across her face as she stepped forward and made her way towards the entrance. That familiar smell of the place hitting her.

Punching the numbers into the panel, the doors clicked open. She could hear Jack’s voice rattling on, probably talking to Clarissa. They hadn’t had much chance to speak since what had happened last week and quite frankly, she was starting to get quite offended by the fact there had been complete radio silence from Jack’s end. There had been no messages, no phone calls and no attempt to come and see her. Granted, he wouldn’t have had much chance with Matt constantly hanging around but she knew Jack wasn’t one to give up so easily.

Maybe he had his reasons so she reserved her judgment for now. Maybe he had decided to play it safe for a change. Rounding the corner she was met by a surprised Clarissa and an even more shocked Jack.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Jack asked, his accent thick as he swung on his chair. He had felt his stomach drop to the floor, she really was the last person he had been expecting to see today. She had been on his mind ever since last week and after what had happened. He had been growing annoyed at the fact she kept ignoring his messages, so he really was taken back having her stood in front of him right now.

“I’ve come back to work,” she stated as she moved to sit down in her chair. She could see that Jack and Clarissa were watching her every move, confusion all over their faces. She tried to mask the stabbing pain in her side as she lowered herself down.

Jack’s eyes flicked to Clarissa briefly and he could see that she was asking the same questions as him, “And have you told Thomas that you’re here?”

“I was getting round to that,” she retorted as she tapped her password in to her computer, not missing how Clarissa had quickly disappeared and was now heading in the direction of Thomas’ office.

Silence fell amongst Jack and Nikki for the next couple of minutes before Thomas appeared from around the corner, Clarissa following closely behind him.

“Nikki I’ve told you not to come in,” Thomas called out, walking over to her desk. “What are you doing here?”

Nikki sighed, she really didn’t want to be sent home. Matt had said that he had to go into work in the morning so that’s why she had decided today was going to be a good day to come in. But she knew that he would be back in a couple of hours and no doubt they would end up arguing and she really wasn’t in the mood for that. She just wanted to shut herself off for a few hours and the only way she could do that was by coming into work.

“Please Thomas,” she almost begged. “I won’t do any post mortems or crime scenes, I’ll just do all the paperwork and catching up.”

Thomas pointed his finger at her, his other hand on his hip in an attempt to make his stance stronger, “Just the paperwork, nothing else. If I catch you with a scalpel in your hand I will send you home,” there was the slightest of smirks on his face and Nikki felt herself relax a little, now knowing he wasn’t being totally serious. Although she wouldn’t put it past Thomas to stick to his words.

Thomas had returned to his office once again as Nikki settled into writing up the various reports she hadn’t got round to writing because of the accident. She could feel Jack watching her as she typed away, she couldn’t understand why he was the one staring. He was the one who had been ignoring her after all, if anything she should be staring at him.

She shook her head trying to keep her focus on the words in front of her but she heard Clarissa leave the room, announcing that she had to send some stuff off to the labs. Nikki thought that she was trying to make a quick get away as Nikki herself could see that Jack was gearing himself up to say something.

And within seconds of the door shutting, Jack wheeled himself over to her desk.

“We need to talk,” he spoke sternly.

“About what?” Nikki replied as calmly as possible. She needed to come across as if she hadn’t even noticed that he hadn’t made an attempt to speak to her before, that she wasn’t bothered by it at all. She had to hide that it was killing her inside and that the last time they were this close, they nearly got caught by Matt. Her heart was pounding out of her chest and she felt as though she could’t breathe. He was only sitting next to her and he was driving her insane.

“I think you know what,” despite being the only two in the room, Jack kept his voice hushed. “Why have you been ignoring me? I’ve been trying to call you and you haven’t answered me. I’ve text you I don’t know how many times. Are we never going to talk about what happened?”

Nikki scoffed, that nervous feeling quickly turning to anger. How dare he accuse her of ignoring him when it’s him who has done the ignoring, “Jack I haven’t had a single message from you so don’t sit there telling me that I haven’t tried to reach out to you,” she was trying her hardest to keep her voice down but it was getting increasingly harder. “I thought you didn’t want to talk about it so I left it.”

“What do you mean? I’ve sent you loads, I’ve rung you at least ten times a day,” Jack reeled off, confusion all over his face. This was really odd. “I’ve even been round to your house but…”

“Matt,” she interrupted, feeling it all click in to place and the sudden realisation hitting her. She rested her head in her hands as her mind ran through all the times the door has knocked and her phone has rang. And all the times it had been Matt answering the phone or opening the door, brushing it off as a cold caller or someone trying to sell them something. She panicked as she thought of how she had just left her phone lying around, giving him every opportunity to go snooping through it. She could feel all the air escaping her as she finally looked back up at Jack, his eyes curious to know what was running through her head.

“I should’ve known,” she breathed, now sitting back in her chair. She avoided the temptation to roll her eyes at herself. “I’m such an idiot.”

Jack didn’t have far to think as it started to make sense in his own head. It had always been Matt to answer the door and Matt to tell him that she was busy or sleeping. He hadn’t really questioned it because after all, that is what Nikki should’ve been doing, relaxing. But to know that she had been fretting about him whilst Matt had done everything in his power to shoo him away, he was starting to get worried.

“You don’t think he knows?” He asked but she just shrugged her shoulders. Digging into the coat pocket that hung on the back of his chair, Jack pulled out his phone and selected his messaging app. At the top was Nikki, the last message he sent her was last night, just before he went to bed. He had only asked her if she was okay.

He passed the phone over to Nikki so she could read the conversation thread for herself and see that Jack hadn’t been ignoring her in the slightest. Her heart dropped as she read every message for the first time, none of them gave anything away thankfully, at least Jack had the sense to be careful when it came to text messages. She tried not to chuckle at the fact he had probably been that way inclined because of the job, he had known too well that a lot could be revealed from a simple text message. Or perhaps he just knew that some things were better said in person rather than over the phone.

He had mainly been asking her if she was okay and that they should talk soon, all of them pretty ominous. Nothing said that would make anyone think that they were more than friends. But Matt still had a reason for deleting them and not letting Jack see her, and that worried her. Maybe he wasn’t as clueless as she had originally thought, or maybe they hadn’t have been so careful.

“He must know something,” she eventually replied. The panic had set in and she felt as though she was going to be sick.

“It depends if he’s been deleting just mine or everyone else’s,” he suggested.

Nikki just shook her head, trying to make sense of everything. She pulled her own phone out from her bag. “I’ll be honest I didn’t take much notice of anyone else but you,” she would’ve laughed if she hadn’t been so scared that they’d been caught out.

But as she looked through her messages, she could see that she hadn’t received a single message from anyone since before the crash. She flicked her head over her shoulder, clocking that Clarissa had entered the room again. Jack followed her line of sight and could see that she had wanted to ask Clarissa the same question he wanted to. Noticing that Nikki had stayed quiet, he bit the bullet.

“Clarissa,” he called out, grabbing her attention. She turned in their direction, curiosity all over her face. “I don’t suppose you’ve messaged Nikki recently?”

Her brows screwed as she edged closer to them, “What’s going on?” She got straight to the point, knowing that something had happened, their faces giving quite a bit away.

“Just answer the question,” Jack sighed, he wasn’t really in the mood for Clarissa’s quips right now.

“Well I tried a few times but I just thought you didn’t want to talk,” she directed at Nikki before looking back at Jack. “Now that I’ve answered your question can you tell me what’s happened?”

Nikki bowed her head, trying to stop the tears that were threatening to escape. She couldn’t find her voice to answer the question and she just needed to get out. Pushing herself back on her chair she stood up, ignoring the pain in her side. The tears dropped as she left. The panic rising up her throat.

Now Clarissa was even more confused, “Jack?” She pushed.

Jack took a deep breath, “Nikki’s not been ignoring you, she just hasn’t been receiving your messages,” he started to explain. “Matt’s been deleting them.” Jack shook his head.

“Why is he doing that?”

He shrugged his shoulders, “You’re asking me,” he breathed. “I don’t trust him.”

Jack opened his mouth to further explain his point but he was interrupted by Nikki joining them once again. _That was quick_. However she looked more sullen than she did when she left. He was about to ask if she was okay when his question was quickly answered as Matt walked in behind her.

He did his best to hide his annoyance, his hand balling into a fist. He wheeled himself back to his own desk and he watched the two of them interacting in front of him. Quickly shooting a look at Clarissa, he knew she was thinking the same as him.

“Matt,” Jack spoke, an attempt to make conversation. “What brings you here?”

“To take this one home, she really shouldn’t be here,” he replied, leaning on the wall. There was a smugness to his face and Jack could feel his blood boiling. “Not in her condition anyway.”

Thomas came out, hearing the extra voice. He couldn’t help but feel relieved that Matt had come to take Nikki home, he hadn’t tried to force her to go home because he knew that she would just put up a performance. But she should be recovering and the only way to do that was to be at home and not letting the stresses of work get to her. He’d never tell Nikki but he had dropped Matt a message telling him that she had come into work.

“Ah good you’re here,” Thomas smiled. “I’ve tried to tell her that she shouldn’t be here but she wouldn’t listen.”

Jack shot a look at Thomas not liking his choice of words. _Had he said something?_ He thought to himself. He tried to ignore that thought as he turned to watch Nikki as she packed her stuff up, he was desperate to wrap his arms around her and take her away from this place. He could see Matt in the corner of his eyes, glaring at him. Jack had no doubts that he knew, he wouldn’t be acting like this otherwise. He was struggling to control himself and stay sat in his seat.

“I told you I’m fine,” Nikki huffed. “I need to be in work, I need stability.”

She was quickly cut off by Matt, his hand snaking around her waist, “But you need to look after yourself, Niks.”

Jack had to look down at that point, unable to take it any longer. It was breaking his heart. But he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t make it obvious that it was affecting him. He couldn’t let Matt win.

Once Nikki had pulled her coat on, she didn’t hesitate to make her way out of the Lyell, not even bothering to say her goodbyes. She had just wanted to get away, a day of peace from Matt but she couldn’t have that. She knew he had been acting weird recently but knowing now that he had been deleting her messages from the most important people in her life and doing everything in his power to keep them away, she just wanted to scream.

She was leading the way to her car, Matt obviously had found someone to drop him off so they would have to drive back home together. Typical. She couldn’t even have that ten minute drive to herself.

“Matt,” she started. “You would be honest with me, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course,” he walked around to the drivers side, joining Nikki and plucking the car keys from her hand.

“Have you been deleting my messages?” She asked bluntly.

Matt’s brows furrowed as he looked at her incredulously, “What are you trying to say Nikki?” He spat. “No, I haven’t.”

“It’s just that I haven’t received anything from anyone for the past couple of days,” she began. “But when I asked them, they all told me that they had tried to but had no answer from me…”

“And you think I went on your phone to delete them?” He interrupted, not giving her much of a chance to explain.

Nikki shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know what I’m saying but…”

“You really think I would stoop that low?” Nikki could hear the annoyance in his voice and she was starting to get wary of his next move. She took a step back from him. “What are you doing?” Matt closed the gap between them again, his hand coming to grip on her wrist.

Nikki gasped as she felt his fingers dig into her flesh, she tried to pull back from him but his hand stayed there. She could feel the bruises forming already.

“Matt you’re hurting me,” she barely got out, the lump in her throat forming.

“And you’re hurting me with this accusation you’re trying to make,” he sneered. “Now get in the car.” He dropped her wrist and backed off so she could walk around to the other side of the car.

Nikki pushed past him, the tears dropping down her cheeks. Her hand smoothing over her wrist from where he held it. It was already red and she could see the finger marks. She shook her head and got inside the car, trying to suppress the feeling of wanting to be a million miles away from the man sat across from her. The feeling of just wanting to be in the arms of a certain someone that would protect her from whatever is happening to her. She’d never had that feeling before, the wanting need to be with someone. And it scared her, that he had this much of an affect on her.


	8. Chapter 8

Those few weeks had passed since she had made her first attempt to go back to work but now, she was officially allowed. Nothing more had been said between herself and Matt since that day. She had stared at the finger marks on her arms for days, slowly watching the colours changing and yellowing over time before eventually disappearing as if they were never there. She seemed to be receiving messages from her colleagues so that was a relief in a sense. But things still weren’t right.

She tried not to overthink it all, that was her weakness. Overthinking. But she couldn’t get it off her mind, he had never been like that with her before. Sure he had been extra cautious since the accident but she just thought that he was trying to care for her. And it had been overbearing but she never thought it would come to this. He had been overly nice to her since that day, maybe it was just a one off. Maybe she had pushed his buttons a little too far. She had accused him of checking up on her and looking through her phone after all.

She had been doubting that it was him in the first place, instead thinking that it was just her phone playing up. And then she felt bad for accusing him. She shouldn’t have been so quick to judge.

That hadn’t been the only thing on her mind either. She had been wracking her brains over the last time her and Jack had been together. They had been so caught up in the moment, they had completely forgot about using protection. And with everything that had happened, Nikki had forgotten about taking the pill. And as she flicked through the dates in her diary, the symptoms she had been feeling for the past couple of days and the fact she was a couple of weeks late could only mean one thing.

“Shit,” she spoke to herself, leaning back on her chair in the kitchen. Of course this was happening now, she had barely spoken to Jack over the last few weeks let alone even seen him. She wasn’t even sure if this thing between them was still a thing. She knew for a fact that it wasn’t Matt’s, that would’ve been impossible. She ran her hands through her hair as she sighed, feeling her heart racing. This was all she needed.

She knew that this wasn’t something she could be unsure about and after checking that she still had time before she had to be in work, she dashed out of her front door, picking her bag up on the way. She drove as fast as the traffic would let her and she eventually pulled up in a car park for a pharmacy. She couldn’t help but feel judged as she looked through the various different tests. It felt as though everyone knew who she was and were watching every move she made.

She finally decided on one and paid for it at the counter. She checked the time on her phone, she still had the opportunity to go home to do it but her mind quickly changed as she seen Thomas’ name pop up on her phone.

Placing the phone to her ear, she answered, “Thomas?”

She digested all the information he reeled off to her, taking a mental note of the location before hanging up. That test was going to have to wait until later. Putting the car into ignition, she made her way to the Lyell to grab her stuff. As she parked up, she could see that Jack was already getting into the works car, stopping as he spotted her turning up. He waited in the car before she was emerging from inside and making her way over to him.

“You alright?” Jack asked as she pulled the seatbelt over herself.

Nikki couldn’t bring herself to look at him, not when she was now fully aware of the situation she - or rather they - were currently in. How would she even tell him? And how was she going to tell Matt? He’s not a stupid man, he would know that it wasn’t his. And he would know that if she was pregnant before the crash then they would’ve picked up on it at the hospital. And even then the crash probably would’ve meant she’d have lost it. No this was definitely Jack’s.

“Getting there,” she breathed. Keeping her eyes focused on the road. She couldn’t look at him, because if she looked at him, she would crumble and she would tell him everything straight away. And she couldn’t do that, she needed to be sure. She needed to know for definite.

“Well if you need a break or anything then just let me know,” Jack smiled. “I’ll cover for you.” Offering her a small wink.

He glanced over at her, seeing her nod. Something wasn’t right. He didn’t know where he stood with her anymore, they hadn’t been able to speak properly. Ever since the first time she tried to come back they’d barely spoken after that, if Matt was suspicious of them, he couldn’t give him anymore reason to be. He only messaged her on occasion but kept it to the minimum. But that lack of communication meant that they were now in this grey area of this sort of relationship and he didn’t know what to do. What to say.

“Thanks Jack,” she let out. She tried to push the thoughts to the back of her mind, now that she had got the awkwardness out of the way. And knowing her and Jack it wouldn’t take long for them to get back to normality. And they would no doubt start bickering within a matter of minutes.

She still found it hard to look in his direction however, she didn’t know for sure that she was pregnant but if she was, the idea that she would be carrying Jack’s baby scared her half to death. Because it meant that she would actually have to bite the bullet and end things with Matt but with the way he had been acting over the past couple of weeks, she really wasn’t sure of how he was going to take this news.

But at least she felt a little bit more relaxed around Jack now, enough that she would be able to make it through the day without a hitch. Or at least until she thought it would be a good time to take that test. She shook her head, ridding herself of all the thoughts of babies and pregnancy and Jack, instead turning her focus to the case that had been brought to them.

A woman found on the train tracks, most likely to have been a suicide. Luckily the rail lines had surged so no oncoming train could pass over her and now they would be able to salvage some kind of identity. She took a deep breath as Jack parked up on the road, train deaths were always hard. Always the most gruesome and she didn’t really trust her stomach at the minute. She’d always been able to keep everything down, being so used to seeing crime scenes of all states, but it really wouldn’t look good on her if she turned up to this one and had to leave to empty her stomach. And Jack would certainly be asking questions then.

They both got out of the car and slipped on their respective forensic suits before pulling the cases out of the back. Nikki did her best to keep her pathologist brain on and focus on the task that was about to be on hand.

“Shall I get the boot?” Jack asked, although Nikki could barely hear him as she passed under the tape, thanking the police officer. Jack offering his own thanks as he ducked under, giving Nikki a quick smile. “Do you want to know what I hate the most?” He started, breaking the silence between them.

“Oh come on Jack, you know these are impossible questions,” Nikki tried not to roll her eyes, they were definitely back to normal and the ice between them had certainly melted. She knew that it wouldn’t take long before they were back to their usual selves, they never could stay upset with each other.

“It’s the smell,” Jack quickly shot back. “That acrid smell, just hangs in the air. Gets in your clothes, in your skin.”

“I thought you were going to say war or famine or you know, discrimination. Stuff you can’t wash away,” Nikki put forward, a small smirk on her face as she wondered what the hell went on in Jack’s head for him to come up with these sorts of things.

“Well maybe most was a step too far,” Jack replied, deflated by Nikki’s comments. He could always rely on her to bring him back down to Earth with a reality check. He nodded towards the police officer before the two of them squeezed between a small gap in the fence that led towards the train tracks.

Nikki was the first to go, looking over as the woman lay face down on the tracks. She began taking in every little moment of the scene, anything that jumped out to her, anything that was odd. She could hear Jack letting out a breath behind her. She stopped at the top of the embankment, Jack quickly joining her. He placed his case down on the floor and reached into his pocket. She watched as he pulled out a box of mints, offering one to her, “Here,” he whispered.

“Thanks,” she held her hand out as he popped a mint into it. She placed the mint in her mouth before quickly putting her mask over her face. As she was adjusting it she could see Jack gesturing with his finger.

“A lot of traffic through here,” he pointed out.

She gave him one last look before stepping forward and making her way over to the body. Jack picked up the bottle of gin that lay next to her, inspecting it closely whilst Nikki took a photo from over his shoulder.

“No handbag or mobile phone,” he spoke as he placed the bottle into an evidence bag.

“No,” Nikki answered, her focus returning to the body. But she was suddenly interrupted by a noise coming from the right. A man in a wheelchair whilst a woman was pushing him were making their over to them, she hoped that he had something to do with this case otherwise she was going to start worrying about the scene being contaminated. She took the evidence bag from Jack as he went to go deal with the issue.

She couldn’t help but smile to herself as he took control of the situation, his accent stronger to show his assertiveness as per usual. She loved that he did that and she’d always guessed that it was something he did without realising, she would have to ask him about that one day. Nikki watched the interaction from afar but upon hearing the words “I’m in charge” from the man in the wheelchair, she relaxed and got back to work.

Although her ears had pricked up when she heard, “Yes I know, she’s gorgeous,” she fought against the temptation to look in their direction, to check if Jack was eyeing up the woman or not. She knew it wasn’t her place to get jealous, they weren’t together after all but she couldn’t help it sometimes. Even when this thing between them hadn’t happened, she had found herself glaring at the various women he had been chatting up. Well, it wasn’t until Clarissa had pointed it out did she realise she was doing it. She thought she had been subtle but obviously not.

“Detective Inspector Sid Clarke,” the man spoke as Nikki sealed the bag up, almost forgetting that it was in her hands.

“Nikki Alexander, hi,” she answered.

“Hello,” his eyes wandered down to the body before looking back up at Jack and Nikki. “Does anyone know who the dead woman is?”

Nikki shook her head as she bent down whilst herself and a fellow forensic scientist turned the body over. The smell of the alcohol mixed with burnt skin hit her in the face and she had to take a few moments. The familiar wave of nausea washing over her. She closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, hoping that feeling would pass. She could feel Jack’s eyes watching her and he was soon bending down next to her, noticing that she wasn’t acting like her usual self.

“Nikki?” A questioning tone to his voice.

“I’m fine, I just need a minute,” she barely got out.

She jumped as she felt his hand coming to rest on her lower back, “You sure?” He could see, despite the mask, that she had suddenly become quite pale which wasn’t like her at all. She usually had the strongest stomach out of them all. Perhaps being away from it for a while had changed her and she just needed to get back into the swing of it all again.

Nikki nodded, instead focusing on trying to settle her stomach. She eventually felt herself calming and she was able to carry on with her initial examination of the body.

She came out of the post mortem a few hours later, feeling shaken. She couldn’t even begin to describe the thoughts that were now running through her head. The images of her own mother flashing in her mind. It had been very obvious that whoever this woman was, she had been abused by her partner. So maybe that was why she had taken her own life but if Nikki was being honest, it wouldn’t have been that much of a stretch to think that this was the abusers doing.

For the most part, the scene had looked like a suicide, the typical hallmarks appearing. But as Nikki had looked closer there were certain things that didn’t add up that would hopefully be clarified once they get all the test results back.

It scared her that alongside the thoughts of her mother, Matt had also cropped up. That painful stinging on her arm making a phantom appearance. She ran her hand over that area of her skin. He hadn’t touched her since so maybe it was just a one time thing and she could hardly compare her situation to that of this woman’s or her own mother. Matt was just angry in the moment, offended by what she had suggested. And she could hardly blame him, god knows she could fly off the handle sometimes.

The thoughts of her mother had reminded her of the little box that had been sat in her bag all morning. She knew she should’ve waited till she got home but the idea of not knowing for sure was killing her. She needed to find out now. She glanced around the room, thankfully no one was there so she could discreetly slip away, taking her bag with her.

As she approached the bathrooms, she locked herself in the cubicle. Pulling out the little box, she inspected the small writing on the back. Although she had no need to, she had been in this situation before. When her and Matt were at a much happier place and seemed to have no troubles or worries. She hadn’t been pregnant then and she had wanted to be. Now, in this situation, she wasn’t so sure.

She had wanted to start a family, that first scare putting all the different thoughts and scenarios in her head. But then Matt had been against the idea in the end and the thoughts had been very quickly squashed down. Jack, on the other hand, she knew he wanted to have kids. Her mind returning to that time in Brighton when they had had that conversation. When she thought she was pregnant the last time.

He had told her then that he wanted to be a father but he just needed to find the right person, someone who would put up with him. Was that even her? She had been there for him in every way possible over the last eight years, as he she. And in many ways she was the one to put up with him. But was he ready for all of this to happen so suddenly? They weren’t even together and she was still in a complicated situation with Matt, hardly the time to add a baby into the mix.

She did her best to shake the thoughts away but they were back at the forefront of her mind as the waiting for the results from the white stick soon started. She thought about all the ways she was going to break it to Matt, if it came back positive. And she thought about how she were to tell Jack. She thought about both of their reactions, Matt would be angry but if she was pregnant and this baby was Jack’s then there was no way she was going to keep this from him. She didn’t know how Jack would initially react to the news but she knew that once he realised that he was going to be a father then he would do anything and everything for it.

She couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face at the image. Jack would make a great father. She wasn’t so sure about herself but she knew that if she had Jack by her side then she may be able to get through it.

Her body jumped as the timer on her phone rang off. Then the panic set in. The result sitting in her hand. She wasn’t sure she wanted to look at it, either outcome scaring her. Her heart beat out of her chest as she flipped the white stick around, the two lines as plain as day. She _was_ pregnant.

Her throat felt tight and she didn’t know whether she was going to have a panic attack or she was going to throw up. Probably both. What was she going to do now? She ran her hands through her hair, her elbow resting on the side of the cubicle to support her head. She couldn’t peel her eyes away from the tiny screen as if the result was going to change.

She couldn’t help but wonder what her mother would be saying to her right now. Whether she would be proud that she was finally getting something that deep down she had always wanted, or she would be ashamed of the situation she had just got herself in. It was times like this she longed for her mother to still be around, to give her the advice that she so desperately needed. To give her the hug that would wash everything away and make her forget about it all.

The tears slipped down her cheeks, flashes of her mother on her mind again. The moments when she was actually happy and not afraid of when her father was going to lay a hand on her again. She was a beautiful woman inside and out and she didn’t deserve the shit that life put her through. She just wanted her mother.

Her hand covered her mouth to drown out the sobs, she could really do without someone walking in and asking if she was alright. She stayed there for a few minutes, trying to calm herself down. No doubt everyone else was questioning where she had gone. She was half expecting her phone to start ringing but it remained silent. She was thankful, in a way, she needed this time to herself.

Eventually wiping away at her eyes, she stood up. Her legs felt numb, as though they were about to give way and she had to put her hand on the wall to steady herself. But taking a deep breath she put her stuff back into her bag and opened the cubicle door. Stepping out, she took a look at herself in the mirror. Her eyes now blackened from her makeup washing away amongst her tears.

She used the back of her hand to do her best to get rid of the marks and make herself look somewhat presentable. Or at least make it look as though she hadn’t been in the bathroom crying her eyes out. Once she felt as though she was ready to face the outside world again, she made her way out.

As she rounded the corner into the office she was only met by Clarissa who didn’t take much notice of her as she sat back down in her chair. She logged into her computer again and started to pull up all the pictures she had taken at the crime scene and during the post mortem. As she flicked through them she started to compile all her notes ready for the report.

The pictures didn’t help to stop her mind racing however, the burns on the woman’s arm, along with the marks on her neck just kept the flashbacks of her mother reappearing. Her vision was blurring once again and she tried to flick the tears away with her finger as they dropped. The sniffle seemed to have grabbed Clarissa’s attention as she heard the whirring of the wheelchair followed by her soft voice asking if she was okay.

“I’m fine,” Nikki glanced up at Clarissa who was not convinced given the redness of her eyes.

“You’re clearly not,” Clarissa pointed out. “You can talk to me you know. Anything that’s troubling you, or you need to get off your chest, I’m always here,” she paused, trying to gauge Nikki’s reaction. But as the woman remained silent and was clearly refusing to look in her direction, she continued. “Is it to do with the case?”

“What do you mean?” Nikki snapped her head up at that.

“It’s just that Jack mentioned that you didn’t seem yourself at the scene,” Clarissa explained. “And then Thomas said that you zoned out during the post mortem.”

Nikki could feel her walls being knocked down and she couldn’t hold it up any longer. She looked over at Clarissa, suddenly grateful for the fact she did actually have someone that wasn’t Matt or Jack that she could talk to.

“This case is just bringing up a lot of bad memories that’s all,” Nikki sighed. She still found it hard to open up to people, so used to going about her life bottling it all up.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Clarissa breathed, she wasn’t sure how best to approach this situation. She had always tried to be there for Nikki over the past couple of years but Nikki had always brushed it off. But recently something had seemed to have changed, she was seeing another side to the woman.

Nikki just shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know how that woman came to be on those tracks but I do know that she was being abused,” she started. “And seeing all the bruises and cigarette burns just reminded me of what I failed to put together when I was younger. What I didn’t realise was going on right under my nose. But now it all just seems so clear.”

Clarissa could see that she was still keeping her cards close to her chest and not giving everything away but she didn’t need to go into detail for her to know what she was getting at. And this was clearly a difficult subject to discuss so she wouldn’t expect her to dig it all up, “How old were you?” She asked tentatively.

Nikki shook her head, “Four or five,” she let out, the lump in her throat forming again. “I just remember seeing this burn on her neck and I’d watch her try to cover it up. I’d wake up in the middle of the night to the sounds of her screaming and then she’d sob for hours. I never questioned it then, thought it was all normal. Just part of growing up. It wasn’t until I seen those marks again did it wake up this memory inside of me.”

She took a deep breath trying to gather herself, “She tried to leave once. I walked into her room to find her packing all my stuff up, she stopped once she heard my father walk through the front door. If I had told someone what was going on, maybe they could’ve helped her get out.”

“You were five years old Nikki, you can’t blame yourself,” Clarissa interrupted.

“But it went on for years,” she carried on. “She just got better at hiding it and pretending it wasn’t happening. Then when she died, I blocked that part of my life off. Like it never even happened, because I couldn’t face the fact that I hadn’t helped her, hadn’t saved her.”

She didn’t know where all of this was coming from, even her therapist hadn’t been able to get this out of her. Whenever her mother had come up in conversation she had done well to shut it down, not ready to open up about that part of her life. Yet here she was talking to one of her closest friends about it like she had never tried to forget it in the first place.

“By the sounds of it she was just trying to protect you, keep you away from it all,” Clarissa spoke softly. “Is that how you ended up in the UK?”

“My dad wanted to come home and couldn’t leave me behind,” she sighed, leaning back in her chair. “He thought it would be the best thing for me. A fresh start. But all I wanted was my mother and then I was a million miles away from her. And now, I’ve never felt closer to her. I can almost feel her looking down at me. This case and…” she trailed off, her hand coming to rest on her lower stomach without even realising. But as she watched Clarissa’s eyes follow the movement of her hand, she was quick to drop it again.

Clarissa almost gasped, “Nikki?” She pushed, she wasn’t sure if it would be rude of her to ask but she had a feeling that Nikki was just going to brush it off and then she’d go back to bottling everything up again. “Are you pregnant?”

Nikki could feel the air escaping her, this wasn’t how she wanted the conversation to go. She didn’t even want the conversation to start. She didn’t want to talk about her mother because she knew she would talking about the thing that was now growing inside of her. She was going to become a mother herself in nine months time so of course the moment she’d start talking about hers it was going to lead in a certain direction.

She couldn’t look at Clarissa, the tears dropping once again as she gave the woman in front of her a small nod, confirming her suspicions. Although they were hardly suspicions when Nikki had made it so obvious.

“Is it Jack’s?” Clarissa asked, her mouth opening before she even had time to think about it.

Nikki didn’t know what was wrong with her. She knew for a fact it was Jack’s, she had no doubt about that. Herself and Matt had not been with each other properly since long before the accident so it would be some kind of miracle if it was his. But she couldn’t bring herself to say yes, to admit that she was carrying someone else’s child and not that of her fiancé’s. She shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know,” she lied.

“Shit,” Clarissa remarked, although she wasn’t totally convinced that Nikki didn’t know. She had learnt how Nikki worked over the eight years they had known each other and she knew how sharp this woman was. She never missed a detail and she was always on the ball. She knew that Nikki would’ve already looked at all the dates and worked it out, she knew whose it was. But Clarissa had to respect that she didn’t want to tell her, it was her business after all. And although Jack was her friend she had to leave it to the two of them to sort it out between themselves. She had already put her two pence in before and that hadn’t seemed to work so she was going to sit out of this one.

But she still wanted to warn Nikki, “I’m sure I can trust you to do the right thing,” she began. “When you find out who the father is because you’re Nikki and I know you will. Do the right thing. Because Jack will never forgive you if you had his child and never told him about it.”

Nikki could feel the adrenaline surging around her body and her heart was racing. There was a sharp tone to Clarissa’s voice, as if she knew that Nikki was lying to her. She had put it in a neutral way but she knew she was warning her.

Not much else was said between her and Clarissa after the talk. There was not much else that was needed to be said. Clarissa was right, she was going to have to tell Jack. She just needed to tell Matt that it was over between them first. That she was having an affair and she was now carrying someone else’s child.

She had been psyching herself up for this moment all day. Thankfully she hadn’t seen much of Jack as he was at the crime scene for most of the day and the rest was spent in the lab picking through all the various pieces of evidence. And she had spent much of her day writing up her report ready for the Coroner. Of course she couldn’t do too much because she was still waiting for different test results to come back.

But it had passed quickly and she was now pulling up at her house. She parked next to Matt’s car and from the light that was shining in her living room she could see that he was home as well. Her heart was pounding out of her chest at this point and she almost didn’t want to go in. She was frightened at what he was going to say, what he was going to do. Her mind racing back to the last time she had made him angry.

She shook her head, this was something she had to do and she needed to face up to it sooner or later. And if push came to shove and she needed to get out of the house she knew she had one place she could go to feel safe and hide away from _most_ things.

She eventually turned her engine off and clicked her door open. She grabbed her bag from the passenger seat before standing up and making her way over to her house, pressing down on the lock button as she went. Pushing the door handle down, she was hit by a waft of food. The smell making her stomach rumble and she realised that the stress of the day had meant she hadn’t eaten much at all. That was going to have to change since she was going to be eating for two from now on.

“Nik is that you?” She heard Matt call out from the kitchen.

He was in a good mood, she could tell already. That was going to make what she was about to do even harder. At least if he was in a horrible mood, it would hurt less but this was going to break her heart. She dropped her bag onto the small table in the hallway and hung her jacket on the coat rack before heading into the kitchen.

Matt was stood in front of the cooker, stirring something in the frying pan. It looked and smelled delicious and it looked as though he had gone to a lot of effort given the candles that had been lit on the table and the soft music playing in the background. Her heart sank, she couldn’t do this.

He walked over to her, his arm snaking around her waist as he pecked her on the lips, “How was work babe?” He asked before he removed his hand and returned back to the hob.

“It was okay,” she swallowed. She edged around the breakfast counter, coming to sit on one of the stools. She started to pick at the skin around her fingernails as she thought about she was going to approach this but as she opened her mouth to speak she was quickly interrupted by Matt as he turned around to face her.

“I’ve been thinking,” he started. “I know it may look as though I’m constantly changing my mind about this topic but I can’t get it off my mind. What if we _were_ to start trying for a baby?”

Nikki’s eyes widened and in that precise moment, she wanted the ground to swallow her up, “What?” She barely let out, shock taking over her body.

“I want us to have kids Nikki.”


	9. Chapter 9

She really didn’t know how to react, she felt as though her whole world had been flipped upside down. She had come to accept that Matt didn’t want children, it wasn’t what she wanted but she had accepted his decision. She’d be lying if she’d said that wasn’t one of the reasons she grew closer to Jack. But in the end she respected his choice.

And now he was standing here telling her the complete opposite. Everyone had the right to change their mind but she couldn’t help but feel there was a motive behind his actions, as though he was going to gain something out of this. It was all so convenient for him to be saying all of this now. But she would give him the chance to explain himself, maybe she was wrong.

“I’m confused,” she breathed. “First you tell me you want to have children and then you say you don’t. And now you do? What’s going on Matt?”

Matt walked around the counter to join her, he leaned one elbow on the surface whilst his free hand came to run up and down the length of her arm. Nikki couldn’t help but flinch slightly at his touch, she didn’t mean to, it was completely involuntary. She just hoped that he hadn’t noticed, he didn’t seem too though. Or at least, if he did, he was doing a good job of pretending that it wasn’t bothering him.

“Is a man not allowed to change his mind from time to time?” He attempted to joke but it just sent a shiver down Nikki’s spine. He continued, his hand moving to rest on her cheek, “I’ve been thinking about it for the past couple of weeks, ever since the accident. Life’s too short Nikki and I know you want a child. I know I wasn’t for the idea but if it’s what you want then I’m happy to sacrifice what I think.”

Nikki didn’t know what to say but she could see a little opening in what he was saying. Almost as if there was glimmer of hope for her to get out of this relationship unscathed, “But that’s not fair Matt.”

“What’s not fair?” He questioned, dropping his hand from her face so he could see her properly.

“You shouldn’t have to pretend that you want a child just because I do,” she started. She could see him screwing up his face so she tread carefully over her next few words. “What I mean is, when you’re in a relationship, you should both want the same things. You don’t want a child, I do. I just don’t think this is going to work because you’re going to end being unhappy and lumped with a child you don’t want.”

“Are you saying that I wouldn’t love my child?” He retorted, almost backing away from her.

Nikki shook her head, bemused as to where that had come from, “No Matt that’s not what I’m saying…”

“No that is what you’re saying,” he interrupted. “You’re saying that I wouldn’t love my child because I happened to tell you a couple of months ago that I wasn’t ready to have another child yet.”

“That is not what you said,” she felt herself straightening up, as if to make herself appear taller in the hope that she’d come across stronger. “You told me that you didn’t want a child. That you had already gone through that part of your life.”

It was Matt’s turn to shake his head, “I never said that Nikki. I said that I wasn’t ready to have a child yet but now, I have come round to the idea the more that I’ve thought about it.”

“I don’t believe you,” she spoke bluntly. “Why are saying all of this now?”

Matt rolled his eyes, a smile spreading across his face as he came to cup Nikki’s cheeks again, “Because I want a child with you Nikki,” he chuckled. “I thought this would make you happy, that this something you wanted.”

Nikki almost wanted to look around the room for the camera that was filming her, nothing about what just happened felt real. One minute he’s all but having a go at her and now he’s laughing at her and making her feel small. She was so confused. She didn’t want to read too much into it and although she could feel herself somewhat relaxing now, there was still this weird tension in the room.

“It is I want,” she sighed, feeling deflated. This wasn’t where she had wanted this to go.

“Good,” Matt grinned, feeling the complete opposite to Nikki. Leaning down, he pecked her on the lips.

Nikki took a deep breath, she was going to have to tell him now. She briefly ran her head across her forehead before looking back up at him, “I’m pregnant,” she let out, feeling the air escaping her lungs.

“What?”

Considering he had just told he wanted kids, he didn’t seem too happy. And that smile that had been plastered over his face had completely disappeared. He knew. He knew it wasn’t his. He knew that there was no way it could be. But what had taken Nikki by surprise was that he was pulling her into a hug and holding onto her tightly. Nikki didn’t know what to do except hug him back.

After a few moments, he dropped his arms from around her, only for his lips to connect with hers. Nikki closed her eyes, trying not to think about how she had gone about this the complete wrong way and now she was just going to make things even worse for herself.

Matt backed away from her, a smirk on his face, “I love you,” he beamed. But his attention was quickly stolen by the sound of the pasta over-boiling on the hob. He spun around and attended to it whilst Nikki stayed sat there, her head in her hands trying to keep the panic that was threatening to rise, down.

In what felt like a matter of seconds, Matt was placing a bowl of food in front of her. It really did look delicious and she was so desperately hungry but she couldn’t bring herself to eat anything. She pushed her fork around the bowl, she had never wanted to not be in her house so much.

Matt clearing his throat next to her, pulled her from her thoughts, “Nikki, you would be honest with me, wouldn’t you?” He piped up.

The tone of his voice put her on edge and she had a feeling she knew where this was going, also quick to pick up on the fact that she had said something similar to him not that long ago. She didn’t particularly want to answer him but she did anyway, “Yes,” she looked over at him, their eyes connecting. She couldn’t read him, not in the way she could read Jack. There were often times where she felt he was stranger, like she didn’t know the man at all. And in many ways she didn’t, there were things he always kept back from her, things he was never truly honest about.

“Is it Jack’s?” He said sharply.

“What?” She had expected but it still took her by surprise, the metal fork clanging against the china. She didn’t move her eyes from him though, they stayed connected with his. Her heart was racing now.

“It’s a simple question Nikki,” he spat. “Is that baby, Jack’s?”

She bit her lip, she had spent the whole day coming up with ways to say it to him. To tell him the truth. But now it came down to it, she crumbled. And she had no words.

“Matt, I…” she started but she was cut off by him.

“You bitch,” Matt stood up, picking his bowl up along with Nikki’s and placing them down next to the sink. She was surprised he hadn’t smashed them with how hard he put them on the counter.

Nikki didn’t know how to compute any of what was going on right now. The past hour really had been a rollercoaster of emotions, it didn’t even register to her that he had asked her if it was Jack’s. So he did know. Her mind thought back to the messages that he had denied deleting. It _was_ him but she believed him when he said it wasn’t. Along with him doing everything in his power to keep Jack away, it was starting to make sense. And even now, him suggesting that they have a child. It was like all the pieces of the puzzle were fitting together.

“How did you know?” She dared to ask, suddenly feeling braver. Although she doubted that it would last for very long.

“I didn’t,” his nostrils flared and Nikki could almost see the steam coming out of his ears. “At least, I couldn’t be sure. But now I am. How long has it been going on?”

Nikki opened her mouth to reply but was stopped as Matt spoke over her, taking control of the conversation.

“Wait let me guess,” he leaned back on the counter. There was a smugness to his voice and it was making her feel uneasy. “When I came to the Lyell to give you flowers and to apologise to _you_ for how I had been acting over the past couple of weeks, was it going on then?”

Nikki stayed quiet, her breaths becoming more shallow.

“Because I seen how he looked at you, he couldn’t take his eyes off you,” he stepped forward. His hands reaching out to land on the counter just in front of her. “And then I looked at you and I seen it all over your face. So that night when I sat with you and I poured my heart out to you. And I told you how I had been struggling to come to terms with losing Jonathan in the plane crash and how it could’ve been me. You were thinking about him.”

She shook her head, “That’s not…that’s not how it was.”

“Then how was it Nikki?” She could tell that he was trying to keep his voice low but he was only a few seconds away from blowing. “When I went home for a couple of days were you sleeping with him then? Because you weren’t here. And before you ask, Elaine next door had asked if _we_ had enjoyed our trip, she was quite surprised when I told her it was just me that had gone because she hadn’t seen you for days. Were you with him?”

She slowly nodded, it was pointless denying it.

“You were on your way to see him when you crashed, weren’t you?” He continued, getting angrier by the second. “That’s why you took the ring off.”

Nikki looked down at her left hand, she had completely forgotten about the ring. But Matt hadn’t seemed to have noticed, or he was choosing not to. This was the first time he had even mentioned it.

Matt scoffed, turning away from her to gather himself before looking back at her, “They told me, when I got to the hospital, that your partner was already in there with you. That you had been asking for him. I thought there had been some kind of mix up, I prayed that it would’ve been Thomas. But then I seen _him_ come out and I just knew. There was no mix up,” he paused. “Do you love him?”

It just felt as though her whole world was crumbling and she couldn’t find the words to speak.

“Answer the question Nikki,” he pushed. “Do you love him?”

“Yes,” she spoke eventually. The tears dripping down her cheeks. “I do. I didn’t ask for it to happen but it has.”

“So what happens now, huh?” Matt folded his arms, leaning on the counter again. “You tell me to go, you tell Jack that your having his baby and then you live happily ever after?” He laughed causing Nikki to furrow her brows. “If you think that man is fit to be a father then you’re a bigger idiot than I thought you were. He can’t control his temper let alone raise a child.”

“You don’t know Jack like I do,” she couldn’t sit there listening to him say that about Jack when she was probably one of the few people that had seen his softer side. Yes he lost his temper a lot but his heart was, and is, always in the right place. Matt could say what he wanted about her, she deserved it. But she drew the line at him accusing Jack of being unable to be a good father.

“Oh I know I don’t,” he rolled his eyes. But then he seemed to take a deep breath and he became calm all of a sudden. “But I am going to find it in my heart to forgive you as long as you promise me that it’s over between you.”

“But what about the baby?” She questioned, her mind was completely baffled at this point, like it was all some scary dream. She didn’t know where she stood with him at all anymore.

“What about the baby?” He shook his head, a bewildered look on his face. “As far as anyone else is concerned that baby’s mine.”

Nikki flicked her head, not quite believing what she was hearing, “I can’t do that to him Matt, I can’t carry his baby and not tell him,” she stood up now, not liking where this was going.

“Well you are,” he spoke, matter of factly. “I’m calling the shots in this relationship from now on.”

“And you’re prepared to raise someone else’s child are you?” She raised an eyebrow at him. She knew she shouldn’t push him like this because who knew where it could land her but she just couldn’t wrap her head around what he was trying to say to her.

“If it means that we stay together then yes,” he edged closer to her. “I’m prepared to do anything because I’m not letting you go. It would just be way too easy for you, wouldn’t it? For me to be so ashamed of you that I would walk away and you could go running to the _mysterious_ forensic scientist. Well I’m sorry Nikki but I’m not going anywhere.”

* * *

She didn’t speak to Matt for the rest of the night, even choosing to sleep on the sofa. She had been so close to phoning Jack, to tell him everything but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. Because she was scared. She was scared of what Matt might do should he find out that she had been ringing him. He had told her that she wasn’t allowed to see him unless it was work related. And he had warned her that if she tried to see him outside of work then he was going to do everything in his power to get her out of the UK and find her a job where she wouldn’t be able to see him.

And she’d rather just only be able to see him at work, so as long as she still got to see him. So she took that risk and made her choice. She wasn’t going to tell Jack that she was carrying his child.

Matt had decided upon dropping her off to work that morning so it would require him to pick her up afterwards as well. So, in his eyes, there was less chance of her sneaking off with Jack. Although she was hardly going to risk that now with all the threats he had thrown in her direction.

What she didn’t expect was Matt to follow her into work. And as she asked him what he was doing, he simply told her that they were going to announce the good news to everyone.

“Matt we can’t do that,” she stopped him just outside the lift as they waited for it to arrive. “What if something happens?”

He shrugged his shoulders at her, “I just want to make sure _he_ knows where he stands now. This thing going on between the two of you is over, especially now you’re having _my_ child.” He grabbed the back of her arm as the elevator pinged and he guided her inside.

Nikki winced as he pinched at her skin but she tried her hardest to ignore the pain. As they stood inside, they watched the numbers go up. Nikki felt her adrenaline surge as the lights flickered and she was quick to grab onto the handle. She breathed a sigh of relief as they came to a stop and the doors opened. She had always hated lifts and the thought of getting stuck in one terrified her.

As they walked over to the entrance, she could see Jack and Clarissa were already inside and she knew that Thomas would’ve been in his office. She let out a breath, he really was going to make her do this. She must’ve just stood there staring because she jumped out of her skin as she felt him snaking his arm around her waist.

“You can do this Nikki,” he spoke softly. She wanted to be sick, his voice making her skin crawl and his hand coming to land just off the centre of her stomach. And she couldn’t move away from him, he had trapped her, in more ways than one. “I love you.” He planted his lips on her cheek.

She sucked in all the air she could and pressed the buttons at the side of the door before stepping away from Matt and making her way into the building. She could see Jack and Clarissa sharing a look between them as they spotted Matt enter behind her. He had headed in the direction of Thomas’ office whilst Nikki put her stuff on her desk.

Jack’s eyes had darted between Clarissa and Nikki and his eyebrows were furrowed. There was something weird going on and he didn’t like where it was going. Why had Matt come in with her and why was Nikki looking so pale? He could see that she was picking at the skin of her fingers and she was very clearly nervous about something and he was starting to get worried. He opened his mouth to say something but Matt and Thomas were making their way over.

He watched as Matt walked to Nikki, very subtly grabbing her by the waist, he could see Nikki flinch at his touch. Whatever was going on, it was not sitting well with Jack in the slightest.

“Nikki and I have an announcement to make,” Matt started but Jack was distracted by Clarissa bowing her head and she almost looked disappointed. Did she know what was going on? His eyes returned back to Nikki and he could see that Matt was digging his fingers into her skin.

Jack did his best to hide his reaction, although the temptation to walk over and tell Matt to back off was becoming unbearable. He could see that Matt was hurting Nikki but there was nothing he could do about it. He felt his hands balling into a fist and his knuckles turning white, a subconscious habit he had seemed to be forming every time Matt was around these days.

Nikki did her best to not make eye contact with Jack, that the was one thing she needed to not do because she would tell him there and then. And she would be completely honest about everything. She could never lie to him. But Matt’s fingers pressing into her side was distracting her and she knew he was warning her that she needed to speak because it was starting to get awkward. She could see Jack’s face in the corner of her eye and he knew he was watching every move Matt made and he was getting angrier as each second passed. Because he could see what she could feel.

Another pinch from Matt pulled her from her thoughts. She just wanted to get this over and done with so Matt could leave, “We’re having a baby,” she blurted out eventually.

Jack felt his stomach drop to the floor and he could see Clarissa shaking her head, she didn’t look at all pleased. Thomas, on the other hand, was quick to congratulate the pair. Jack stood up from his chair and walked over to Matt, holding his hand out. His heart was racing, he couldn’t believe that this was really happening.

“Congratulations,” he breathed, not a single spark of joy in his face as he firmly shook his hand. Making sure to squeeze it tightly. He then turned to Nikki, placing a soft hand on the side of her face before brushing his lips across her cheek. “I’m really happy for the both of you. But I have to go, those tests aren’t going to run themselves, are they?” He did his best to hold it all together.

He made his way out of the room as quickly as his legs would allow him. He eventually reached the locker room, sitting down on the bench before it really hit him what had just happened. His brain couldn’t compute it, none of it made sense. From what he knew, Nikki and Matt hadn’t been together since the first time he and Nikki slept together. She had made that promise to him, that she would sort it all out. So either she had been lying to him and she’d been using the both of them. Or there was something else going on. But if this baby was his then she would tell him, wouldn’t she? She wouldn’t lie to him about something like this. And he couldn’t work out Clarissa’s reaction to it at all. He was just so baffled by what had happened in the last five minutes.

That didn’t stop the tears falling however. Everything he had ever wanted had just slipped away from him in a matter of minutes. He had truly believed that Nikki would walk away from Matt, that she would choose him. But there was no chance of that happening now, she would never leave Matt if she was carrying his baby. He had lost her, completely. And he wasn’t sure of how he was going to deal with that. That emotion quickly turned to anger as he stood up and thought about what could’ve been.

He started to pace up and down the room, he couldn’t get Matt’s stupid smile off his mind. The way he had looked at him whilst Nikki announced it. The way Nikki wasn’t happy at all. This was something Nikki had wanted, they had talked about this before. She should’ve been happy, bouncing off the walls even, so why wasn’t she? Jack could sense that something wasn’t right. Something wasn’t adding up. And the way Matt had been with Nikki over the past couple of weeks. Although he hadn’t seen much of it, he could see there was something going on and it was enough to make his blood boil.

But there was nothing he could do about it now. He had lost for her good. Matt had won, Nikki had made her decision. It still made him angry though and he couldn’t stop his hands balling into a fist as it connected with one of the lockers. His cheeks wet from tears as a sob escaped his throat. Thomas was going to kill him for putting a dent in the metal but he couldn’t care less at this point. He had just lost the one woman he had loved most in the world, apart from his mother of course.

Back at the offices Nikki was fretting about where Jack had gone, she knew this would be affecting him and it was killing her not being able to go running after him to go find him. She was waiting for Matt to finish his conversation with Thomas so she could get him out of there and out of the way.

Once he finally finished, she led the way out of the entrance, stopping as the glass doors clicked shut.

“I can’t do this,” she spoke. “I can’t lie to him.”

Matt shook his head, scoffing, “You are doing this,” he took hold of her arm again. Just as he had a couple of weeks ago. In the space of a day Nikki knew she had a million bruises forming all over her body, it really wasn’t going to look good when they went to go for their scan. “Unless you want to go back in there and explain to your colleagues that you’re nothing but a liar and a cheat. Are you really going to humiliate me like that?”

“But Matt…” she tried to answer back but he cut her off again. She could see the tears forming in her eyes as he clamped down on her arm even harder.

“But Matt nothing,” he spat. “You’ve made your decision now. Stick to it.” He dropped her arm and stalked away from her. Pressing the button on the lift before stepping inside. Not bothering to look back at her.

Nikki closed her eyes, the tears dropping as she sat down on the sofa just outside the entrance. She lifted the sleeve of her dress up and sure enough, there were perfect finger bruises planted up the top of her arm and they were bright red. She tried not to sob, she couldn’t let anyone know about this. She supposed it’s what she deserved really, she had cheated on Matt and broke Jack’s heart. And now she had this poor child growing inside of her and no doubt she end up ruining their lives as well.

She did her best to try and get through the rest of the day, not that the current case provided the best distraction for her. It just seemed to make everything worse. Jack had barely spoken to her and neither had Clarissa, their only topic of conversation relating to the case. Things seemed to get even worse as she got the blood tests back. The woman hadn’t been drinking despite the crime scene making them think that she had.

As she deciphered through the piece of paper, she could see that Jack and Clarissa were sat in the lab. Clarissa inspecting something on the microscope. There had been an overall low mood in the place ever since Nikki and Matt had made their announcement and she could see that although Jack was trying to put on a brave face, he wasn’t happy. Clarissa on the other hand, just seemed to keep her focus on the case despite her obvious dispute against Nikki’s actions.

She shook her head, she was here to do her job and focus on finding out what had happened to this woman and if she hadn’t been drinking but, the crime scene had been made to look as though she had, then this was foul play. And this case now needed all the attention it could get.

“Was there actually gin in the gin bottle at the scene?” She asked as she made her way over to them.

“Yeah,” Jack replied, not bothering to look in her direction.

“You tested it?” Nikki pushed on.

“Yup,” Clarissa piped up, although all her focus was consumed by whatever was under the microscope.

Jack glanced up at Nikki briefly before looking back down at what was in front of him, “Of course we tested it. Why?”

“Her blood tests,” she handed the piece of paper over to Jack, careful to not let her sleeve slip. Jack had a keen eye and he would spot the bruises straight away, given half a chance. “She hadn’t been drinking.”

“Really?” That had caught Clarissa’s attention, who was now turning to face Nikki who just offered a ‘yeah’ and a nod. “So why would there have been a gin bottle at the scene next to the body? It had fingerprints on one side of the bottle but no thumb print.”

“To make it look like she had been drinking,” Nikki confirmed.

Clarissa shared a quick look at Jack, a smirk on her face before she sat back down on her chair and disappeared off somewhere, leaving a very awkward Nikki and Jack behind. Nikki urged her feet to move but she was stuck there and she could see that Jack was trying not catch her eye.

“So,” Jack started, not wanting the silence to be dragged out any longer. He finally turned his head to face her but she wasn’t looking him in the eye. “You and Matt, bet that was a shock.”

Nikki shrugged her shoulders, “These things happen.”

He stood up, no longer able to stick the awkwardness, “I’m happy for you. I really am. You’re finally getting what you’ve always wanted.” He stopped next to her. Resting his hands on either side of his face, he pressed his lips into her forehead before slipping away and leaving her on her own.


	10. Chapter 10

Nikki arrived a couple of hours late to work, herself and Matt going for their first scan together. This really was going to be a long nine months. She couldn’t even bring herself to smile during the process, Matt had been doing the whole doting father to be thing and she just wanted to be a million miles away. This wasn’t how she wanted it to be. She wanted to be able to look at her baby on the screen or on the photo and feel excited and eager. But she couldn’t bring herself to feel those things because the one person she wanted to be by her side throughout this whole thing, had absolutely no idea.

A few days had passed since Matt and Nikki had announced the pregnancy and Jack had barely spoken to her. Or at least he hadn’t spoken to her properly. It was killing her. It was bad enough that Matt was forcing her to stay away from him and now even when she could speak to him, he didn’t want to speak to her. She didn’t think he was doing it on purpose, just doing everything he can to distract himself. And she couldn’t exactly blame him, she had be the one to rub his nose into her and Matt’s relationship. Even if it wasn’t something she had wanted to do.

She was met by Thomas when she walked in, Jack and Clarissa were nowhere to be seen. She had grabbed his attention straight away as he was stood by her desk, flicking through some files. He looked up at her, a smile spreading across his face.

“Ah, how did it go?” He asked eagerly.

She shrugged her shoulders, “It was okay I think,” she didn’t really know what to say. She had wanted to be happy, she really did. But she just couldn’t.

“Did you get a photo?” The smile on Thomas’ face slowly dropping as he noticed that Nikki didn’t seem to share his excitement, which really struck him as odd. If anything, she should be way more excited than he was. She was the one growing a new life inside her after all.

“Yes,” Nikki popped her bag down on the table as she started rummaging through it. “I’ve put it in my bag somewhere. Ah, here it is,” she pulled out the black and white photo and handed it to Thomas.

“Oh look at that,” he exclaimed and took in all the details. “Isn’t that just amazing? It really brings back all the memories of when Julia was pregnant with Rosie. I was on top of the world.”

Hearing Thomas say that just made her feel worse, she shouldn’t be feeling the way she was. She was meant to be pregnant and glowing. But she felt deflated and dull. She looked at the picture over Thomas’ arm, this was the first time she was actually looking at it properly and she did feel somewhat of a flutter as she looked at the little blob in the middle of the picture.

“What are you two staring at?”

The Irish accent caused Nikki’s stomach to drop and she moved away from Thomas so she could turn to face him.

“Jack have a look at this,” Thomas said without even thinking. Now Nikki’s heart was racing, that was the last thing she had wanted to happen. But she couldn’t stop it because Thomas was already handing the photo to the man.

Jack took the photo tentatively, not quite sure if he actually wanted to see it. And he was starting to regret saying something in the first place. He felt his head go fuzzy as he looked at the thing sitting in the photo. It was tiny and didn’t look like very much but he felt his heart sinking and his vision was blurring. He couldn't explain the feeling that was whirring around his body but as he looked at the image he couldn’t help but feel he was looking at his child, as though this was his own flesh and blood.

All the thoughts he had tried to explain away since Nikki and Matt had announced it suddenly resurfaced again. He glanced over at Nikki briefly but she had turned away from him, she clearly didn’t want to look at him. Or she couldn’t. His eyes went back to the picture and he just knew, this baby was his. He tried to suppress the anger that was beginning to stir up inside him. Why had she lied to him? Or was he just being delusional? Or even hopeful? If only she would just tell him the truth about what was going on. She was holding something back and he would be damned to get to the bottom of it all.

But now wasn’t the time for that. So he passed the photo back to Nikki who didn’t make eye contact with him as she placed the photo back in her bag. He jumped as he felt Thomas place a hand on his shoulder, patting him.

“It’ll be you next Jack,” Thomas beamed. “As soon as you find someone who will put up with you and your moods.”

Jack wasn’t too sure of how to react to that when his fellow colleague knew exactly who it was that put up with him on a daily basis. And who it was that had put a smile on his face over the past couple of weeks. But then he supposed that Nikki had made her choice, and it wasn’t him. Maybe he should just try to move on. Even if it was going to pain him to do that.

He just settled on giving Thomas an eye roll and shrugging him off. He didn’t miss Nikki’s reaction however and her face said a thousand words which he didn’t think she even realised sometimes. She was lying to him and he needed to find our for definite that this baby she was carrying was actually Matt’s. He needed to hear her say it.

He moved to sit down at his desk as Thomas left for his office and leaving just himself and Nikki behind. A couple of weeks ago he would’ve killed to steal these little moments when it was just the two of them, but now he dreaded it. Because, what was he meant to say? He wanted to have that conversation but he couldn’t do it here. They needed to be totally alone for that, so no one could have the opportunity to interrupt and let Nikki get away with escaping the truth.

It was a couple of hours into her shift, Nikki had stayed sat at her desk, staring at the photos on her screen. _That poor girl_ , she thought to herself. Her mother has just died, most likely at the fault of her father. And now her father’s dead. And she would’ve seen it all happen. The abuse, the violence. Her heart ached for the poor girl, knowing how that felt way too much.

She knew what it was like to be pushed over the edge, even at such a young age. To see what her father was doing to her mother and wanting it to stop. She had remembered her mothers screams and the blood she left on her cheek. It didn’t make a difference though, it didn’t stop him from hurting her. If anything, it made him hide it more, hurt her in more discrete places where no one could find the bruises.

She was pulled from her thoughts and her flashbacks by Clarissa’s voice asking if she could talk to her.

Nikki looked up to meet her eye, quite grateful for the distraction. No longer wanting to hear her mothers cries and reliving those moments all over again, “Isn’t that what you’re doing?” She relaxed, leaning onto her desk.

“Cute,” Clarissa chuckled. “We have strong forensic evidence that points to Brian Collyer being the murderer of Robbie Shaw.” Nikki stared blankly back at her, not quite sure what she was getting at so Clarissa continued. “This is where you say you agree.”

“I agree,” Nikki replied, not quite believing fully in what she was saying. She had doubts about this and she knew Clarissa had the same feeling as her, given her tone of voice.

“Brian has no alibi. He says he was at home, his wife says he was out. It’s likely we’ll get a conviction,” she explained, gesturing for Nikki to say something that would support what she was saying right now.

“I agree it doesn’t look good for him,” Nikki confirmed.

“We are over-worrying this,” Clarissa rounded the corner to her desk. “This is where you’re meant to make me feel better. Feel confident that we’ve got the right person.”

“If facts are the facts then, chances are we do,” Nikki leaned back in her chair as her eyes moved to look at the photos on her screen once again.

“Have we found all the facts?” Clarissa interrupted.

“Well that’s a different question isn’t it?” She moved her head back in Clarissa’s direction.

“Whoever came to the house had to be known to Robbie. There’s no sign of a struggle. It was an unexpected blow to the head and Brian’s fingerprints are all over the weapon,” Clarissa carried on. “Who else could’ve done it? Who could’ve planted them?”

Nikki thought over it for a couple of seconds, her mind wandering again to when she took matters into her own hands to protect her mother. Without even fully realising it at the time, “Maybe she saw the violence,” the tears were starting to blur her eyes. “Maybe she saw what he was doing to her mother.” She had felt for this girl the first time she had heard about the woman having a daughter.

A daughter that would’ve been around the same age she was when she lost her own mother. She couldn’t be sure if it was just her maternal instincts kicking in already or if it was just her ability to be able to relate to this poor girl. To understand exactly what she had been through, to know what she had seen. But she felt this need and this want to protect her. To take her under her wing and let her know that she’s not alone. She hadn’t even met her and she’d felt this connection to her.

“She?” Clarissa screwed her face up, not quite sure of what Nikki was getting at.

“Cat,” Nikki raised her hand to her screen, the picture of the young girl staring back at her. “Their daughter. Her mother’s dead, she’s distraught.”

“You think she’s capable of it?” Clarissa chimed in.

“I’m always surprised by what children are capable of,” Nikki answered, her own capabilities as a child on her mind. She shared a small look with Clarissa, the both of them remembering the conversation they had the other day. Clarissa coming to the realisation that maybe Nikki wasn’t just referring to Cat’s experience but her own as well. “Have we got DNA samples from their daughter?” She asked as she leaned forward on her desk again.

“Uh, yeah,” Clarissa affirmed slowly painting a picture of what she was thinking. Although she knew there was wasn’t much chance of that, given the lack of evidence to support Nikki’s sudden theory.

“No matches?”

“No,” Clarissa shook her head.

The silence that had just settled between the two women was quickly interrupted by Jack walking into the room, “Hi,” he announced, a cardboard box in his hand. “A few things for you to go through,” Jack placed the box down on Nikki’s desk. “Can we look at Donna Collyer’s medical records and any police reports she might’ve made?”

“Why?” Nikki questioned, confused and intrigued at Jack’s suggestion.

“I saw bruising on her arms,” Jack placed his hand over his arm. “Self defence bruises. Type you get when you’re protecting your face,” he looked over at Clarissa who was listening intently. He made to move towards his desk, gesturing his hand up to his eye. “She also had heavy make-up under her right eye.”

“To cover a bruise,” Nikki stated as Jack sat down to which he just nodded. The words coming out of her mouth making her think of her own bruises that still sat on her arms, still a bright purple colour. “Okay, yeah. I’ll pull her records,” Nikki stopped for a moment, looking over at Jack as he logged into his computer.

She had wanted to meet this Cat, the photo of her still sitting on her screen. And if there was anyone who would allow her that opportunity was the man sitting in front of her. There was still a sense of awkwardness between the two but surely she could still manage to persuade him to do this one thing for her.

“Have you met Cat, their daughter?” She queried. 

“Cat?” Jack glanced up to Nikki briefly before looking back at his screen. “Yes.”

“Can I go with you when you take a DNA sample from her?” Nikki dared to put forward.

“I’ve taken DNA,” Jack was quick to answer her. He looked up to see Nikki raising an eyebrow at him, hinting without actually saying anything. His head turned to Clarissa to find her pulling a similar face. There was obviously a meaning behind this and usually when Nikki had an idea about something it ended up being right. So he went with it, “But, I’m worried they might’ve been contaminated. So, I should probably take them again?” There was a questioning tone to his voice, making sure that he had got the right end of the stick.

A small smile and a nod from Nikki was all the confirmation he needed. They didn’t hesitate to pack up their stuff and head towards the police station to inform DI Clarke of what they were doing and then they made their way back towards Donna Collyer’s house. Jack had noticed that Nikki had stayed fairly quiet in the car, in fact she had stayed quiet throughout this whole case. It was like it had got to her in some way. He knew some cases hit harder than other ones but this one was taking it’s toll on Nikki in particular.

He hated that there was this distance between them now because normally he would be quizzing her and getting it out of her, finding out what really was getting her down. Now he felt that wasn’t his place anymore, that he didn’t have the right to do that. He almost wanted to laugh at how a few weeks ago they were closer than they had ever been before but now there was a whole sea between them. It broke his heart, even if they weren’t meant to be together in the end, the least he wanted was for them to remain friends.

But there was no chance of that with this baby on the way. His mind wandered back to the scan picture he had seen that morning. He still couldn’t put his finger on it. On how it had made him feel. There was something going on and there was something she was holding back from him. With everything with Matt and now this case, Nikki just wasn’t being her usual self and he was determined to get to the bottom of it.

They pulled up outside the house, Jack guiding the way as he knocked on the door. Donna had been the one to open the door, the bruises on her arm and her face much more obvious than before. He could feel Nikki shift behind him, she could see the bruises as well.

“Sorry to have to bother you Mrs Collyer,” DI Clarke spoke.

“I’m afraid the DNA samples we took have been contaminated,” Jack explained. He waited for Donna to say something but she remained silent, giving them a small nod instead. Jack moved aside allowing Nikki to pass, saying thanks as she went.

He watched after her as she made her way down the hall, following Cat into the kitchen. He was desperate to know why she had wanted to go see this little girl. But then if he thought about it, the girl wasn’t that much younger than Nikki would’ve been when she lost her mother. She was obviously able to relate this girl and wanted to reach out to her. That and her maternal instincts were probably kicking in as well. But there was something else that Jack couldn’t put his finger on.

He had seen this with Nikki before, when he had just started working at the Lyell. The young girl whose mother had been brutally murdered and her father who had been accused of the murder. Nikki had reached out to that girl then, doing what she could for her. But this time around it felt different, she felt even more determined. To the point of making an excuse just to get to see her.

He knew he shouldn’t do it but he couldn’t help walking down the hallway, stopping just in front of the kitchen door. It was open slightly and he could hear Nikki talking. His heart sank as she started to explain just what she had seen when she was younger, what she had experienced. And that was the key, that was why she had wanted to reach out, to let this girl know that she wasn’t alone. That there was someone she could talk to that would actually understand and know what she was going through.

His heart broke as he heard Cat’s reply. He hung his head, he didn’t want to listen anymore, it was too much for him. He backed away from the door and made his way to the car. He sat himself down in the driver’s seat as he waited for Nikki. His mind wandered to the day she had announced that she was pregnant, that her and Matt were going to have a child together. He could see Matt digging his fingers into her side, he could see Nikki wincing in pain.

He had no doubt that Matt could be controlling, he had seen that when she realised that he had been deleting messages. But he never thought he would be physical with her. And Nikki was a strong person, she would never normally stand for something like that. But, if he really thought about it, she hadn’t been herself. Not since the accident, not since Matt had become this overbearing person in her life.

He thought back to when he had come out of Nikki’s room to Matt shouting, he had seen his anger strike then. Jack almost flinched at the thought of Nikki being on the receiving end of that. It made his blood boil. He had seen how angry Matt had truly been that day and it scared even him. Matt had always struck Jack as being very placid and calm but you never know what goes on behind closed doors.

His thoughts were interrupted by Nikki opening the car door and settling down on the passengers side. She looked exhausted. Drained. And he could tell that she had been crying again.

“You alright?” He asked as he started the car up. She just nodded, swiping a hand under her eye.

They had been driving for a couple of minutes and Jack had to avoid the temptation to reach over the threshold and place his hand on her thigh. That wasn’t his place to do that anymore, not that it was ever really his place anyway. She was never his and she probably never would be now. But he was going to get it out of her, he had a million questions on his mind. The one he had wanted to ask her desperately was one that he was still going to remain sitting on. He needed to ask her it but not when she was in this state, he needed to not upset her anymore.

“Please don’t shout at me,” he started, breaking the silence. “But I heard what you said to Cat back then. About what you seen when you were younger.”

“What?” Nikki snapped her head towards him, not quite believing what she was hearing.

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” he raised a hand in defence. “I just wanted to find out why this case was bothering you so much. Why you were so determined to reach out to Cat.”

“And did you get your answer?” She wasn’t happy. She had told Cat in confidence, she wanted to make the girl feel as though she had someone she could talk to. It wasn’t meant for Jack to overhear.

“Nikki, I didn’t,” he trailed off, there was no way he could explain what he had done so he decided to move the conversation back to what he had wanted to say. “That couldn’t have been easy. Growing up and seeing your parents like that.”

He glanced over at her, gauging her reaction. He didn’t miss how she had subtly played with the sleeves of her blazer, pulling them down so they fully covered up her arms. That told him everything he needed to know and he had to stop himself from pulling over there and then.

“It’s not a good environment for a child,” he continued. He could see that she was getting more nervous as he carried on speaking about this topic. “Nikki, if there’s anything you want to talk to me about, I’m still here. I always will be. Whatever has happened between us, it doesn’t change the fact that I’m still your friend. And if there is anything bothering you or that you want to get off your chest, please _please_ talk to me.”

Nikki stayed quiet, not finding the right words to say. She was grateful for Jack being there, she really was but she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed. With everything going on it was just getting too much for her.

* * *

Jack was sat on his sofa back at his apartment. He had been staring at the ceiling for the best part of two hours, his mind whirring with thoughts of Nikki. He had wanted to ask her about the baby, he wanted to know if it was actually Matt’s. But he couldn’t ask her in the car, it didn’t seem the right place or the right time. She had been so upset after talking to Cat, he couldn’t add something else on top of that.

Then there was Matt and how she reacted when he mentioned how growing up in an abusive household can’t be any good for a child. Although he could’ve just been reading too much into that, it was a sensitive topic for her after all. And he was yet to actually see any bruises on her.

But he couldn’t stop his mind turning back to that baby and that scan photo. The feeling he had when he seen it was so strong, he had to know for sure that this baby wasn’t his. He had to hear it from Nikki’s lips. Only then would he believe it. And he couldn’t wait any longer.

He stood up and grabbed his keys from the counter and dashed out to his car. He parked up on Nikki’s street, a few doors down from her house. He sat in his car for a moment, mulling over whether or not this really was a good idea. She had been so upset today and he didn’t want to be the one that made that worse but he needed to get answers otherwise he wouldn’t be able to get it off his mind, that she just might be carrying his child after all. His flesh and blood.

Nikki jumped as she heard the knock on the door. She hadn’t been expecting anyone. She waited for a moment, expecting Matt to answer it but then she quickly remembered that he had just gone into the shower. Standing up she made her way to the door. She knew who it was straight away, the shadow in the frosted window undeniably him.

Her heart sank as she wondered what it is he had wanted. She hadn’t stopped thinking about what he had said earlier and she knew that he had caught on to what was going on. Then her mind reminded her that Jack really shouldn’t be here at all, if Matt found out then she was dead. This conversation they were about to have was going to have to be a quick one, so that Matt didn’t catch them. She moved to open the door, stepping outside and letting it shut behind her.

“Jack you can’t be here,” she spoke through gritted teeth.

“What?” Jack replied, almost breathless after having to work himself up to stand on her doorstep.

“What do you want? And make it quick,” she snapped, her arms wrapping around herself as the cold wind nipped at her skin.

Well in a way that made things easier for Jack so he got straight to the point, “Is it mine?”

“What do you mean is it yours?” Nikki didn’t need to ask that, he knew exactly what he was getting at.

“The baby,” Jack affirmed. “Is it mine?”

“No,” Nikki lied, bluntly. She had said it without even thinking, as though she had prepared herself for this question. He hadn’t asked it at the time, in a way she had wanted him to, if he had then she probably would’ve told him. But now, she was so deep into it she couldn’t go back.

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure,” she wanted to tell him, she really did. She wanted to shout it from the rooftops, to tell him the truth. To tell him everything that was really going on. But she could hear Matt’s voice in her head, screaming at her. This was the best thing for them, for her and Jack. As much as it was killing her.

Jack closed his eyes and bit down on his top lip, feeling stupid. He really had convinced himself that this was his baby. That picture really had made him feel as though he was looking at his child. But hearing Nikki say that it wasn’t his, broke his heart all over again. He watched as Nikki glanced behind her, she was on edge. Like she was waiting for Matt to interrupt them.

“Nikki is there something going on?” Jack pushed, realising that he wasn’t quite finished yet despite getting an answer to his question. Nikki looked back at him, an incredulous look on her face. “If Matt’s hurting you Nikki tell me. I can help you.”

“Matt isn’t hurting me Jack,” she sighed, she really didn’t want to have this conversation, not when Matt was so close. He was going to kill her if he seen that Jack was outside.

“I’ve seen how angry he can get Nikki,” Jack carried on. “That day in the hospital he…”

“And what about you Jack?” Nikki interrupted, suddenly feeling obliged to defend her relationship with Matt. “I’ve seen you get angry as well. I’ve seen you being tipped over the edge, nearly killing someone because you wouldn’t stop punching them.”

“This isn’t about me,” Jack exclaimed, not liking where this was going. She was hitting a nerve and he was struggling to understand why Nikki was saying all of this now, it wasn’t as if she complained at those times since he was protecting her.

“You can’t exactly talk Jack,” she scoffed.

“What is going on?” He turned away from her, taking a deep breath. How had they come to this? They had been doing so well, they had managed to sort everything out after Mexico. They were in a really good place and now it felt as though their relationship was shattered on the ground in front of them. He was looking at her again, his voice soft. “I would never hurt you Nikki.”

“Yeah?” Nikki continued, the adrenaline pumping around her body. “And what if I pushed you hard enough. Pressed the wrong button. Would you still say that then?” She didn’t know why she was doing this, she didn’t want to lose him but she could just feel herself drifting away from him. Like that was the only way she could protect him.

“Nikki I can’t do this anymore,” he breathed. “I love you. But this, it’s killing me. I don’t know what’s going on and you clearly don’t want to talk to me anymore so this is it. This is me walking away, giving up. I hope you’re happy with Matt and I hope that by me leaving it will mean that Matt will stop hurting you. Unfortunately I don’t think that will be the case because I’m not the problem and neither are you. But you’re not ready to see that just yet. So, tomorrow, I’ll start looking for another job.”

Her heart dropped as the words fell from his mouth, this wasn’t how she wanted it to go. This wasn’t how she wanted it to be. But she couldn’t find the words to speak for the lump forming in her throat and the tears welling up in her eyes.

“And I’ll get out of your hair. I’ll leave you alone,” he stepped closer to her, his hands cupping her face with his hands. “But Nikki, know this. If I ever find out that you’ve lied to me about this baby I will never forgive you for that.” The tears rolled down his cheeks as he dropped his hands and walked away from her.

Nikki urged her voice to call after him, for her feet to run but she stayed there. Glued to the floor. Her stomach dropping as she heard the door open behind her.

“Nikki,” Matt spoke, his voice sending a chill down her spine. “I think you better get inside.”


	11. Chapter 11

Three months. Three long agonising months. The only words spoken between Jack and Nikki had been about whatever case they had been working on. But Jack was still there, being unable to actually bring himself to start looking for another job. He hadn’t totally meant what he said, it just came out. He was angry and upset. But the more he had thought about it over the past few months, the more he thought that it was probably for the best. He was watching Nikki grow by the day, she was looking so radiant and it was killing him. Killing him to see her this happy. Although if he was being honest, she wasn’t as happy as she should’ve been. The thought that he was the cause of that made him feel even worse.

This case that they were currently working on wasn’t helping much either. One body found in a hospital car park and a whole other world is opened up with a young girl locked in a cryogenic chamber, to bring some sort of hope to her family. Then there was Clarissa and her mum. She was going through a rough old time at the minute, he couldn’t exactly just up sticks and leave. That wouldn’t be fair on her, she needed all the people surrounding her right now.

Matt had seemed to have calmed down somewhat, ever since he had overheard Nikki’s conversation with Jack that night. And after he had heard her telling Jack to his face that the baby wasn’t his, he had backed off. Almost feeling as though he could trust her to keep her mouth shut for the next nine months. Although that didn’t stop him from keeping a beady eye on her and watching her every move. He still dropped her off and picked her up from work and he still made sure that she didn’t go to see Jack. But at the least his hands gripping onto her arms had stopped. Her skin free from all the bruises. However, she did doubt how much longer the respite was going to last, she had seen it too many times. They’d stop but it only took one foot wrong for them to lose it again.

He had relentlessly apologised to her in the past three months, telling her that he was only trying to protect her from the heartbreak and the pain. But he was the one that was breaking her heart and causing her pain. Nikki had debated on just packing her bags and leaving in the middle of the night but her hand would soon be on her stomach and she’d realise that she was going through all of this to protect this little one. She had seen the tip of the ice berg that was Matt’s anger and she didn’t want to push him any further, not if that would bring harm to her unborn child.

They were a good few weeks into the case now but as these things usually go another person has ended up dead. And unfortunately for them, that person was key to the investigation, someone who would be able to answer the questions that were now cropping up.

It had been a few hours after Thomas had completed the post mortem and the four of them along with DI Raymond had found themselves in the meeting room, discussing and collecting all of their new findings.

“We compared Hope’s DNA to that of Sue and Derek and neither of them were her biological parents,” Nikki breathed, walking over to DI Raymond, handing her the piece of evidence to look over herself. She could feel Jack watching her closely, of all the times they had to have a case like this, it had to be now. Things were hitting a little too close to home for her liking.

“But,” Raymond started, not quite believing the evidence in front of her. She quickly glanced over at Nikki and then to Clarissa. “Was she adopted?”

“No records of her,” Clarissa chimed in.

“Illegal adoption?” Raymond suggested. “Did they buy her?”

“The illegal route sounds more feasible,” Jack spoke.

“Well that’s a good reason not to register with any hospitals or schools,” Clarissa explained. “They didn’t want to draw any attention to her.”

Nikki watched as Jack walked behind Clarissa, his eyes not leaving hers. A look that didn’t go unnoticed by Thomas. It had been like this for three months, no words just looks. Stares. Nikki brought her hand to her now slightly protruding stomach as she felt a flutter. That was the first time she had felt the baby move properly. Her heart was pounding and for the first time since she had found out about her pregnancy she felt a glimmer of excitement pass through her veins.

“Any leads as to who she might be?” DI Raymond pulled her from her thoughts.

“We’ve got DNA but she’s not on any database,” Nikki moved to make her way over to her chair, desperately wanting to give her feet a rest now. She jumped as her arm brushed past Jack’s back. She hadn’t meant to do that but she could almost feel a jolt of electricity shoot up her arm and then there was a flutter again. Almost as if the baby knew.

Thomas watched the interaction between the pair of them and he shook his head slowly at them, he was going to have sort this out. He had thought that things would’ve settled by now, they usually do. But they never went this far. And the tension was getting too much for him to bear and he could see that the detectives they’d work with on cases were starting to notice as well and that didn’t reflect well on the Lyell. He turned back to Jack who continued the explanation of their findings as Thomas thought about how it would be best to approach these two to sort their problems out.

“We know the front door was locked from the inside as we had to break it open ourselves,” Jack pointed at Clarissa who just nodded, confirming his point. Jack was at the board again, clicking on a file to open up a picture of the crime scene. “So the only way out was via the bedroom window, this was the only window left unlocked. No signs of forced entry anywhere else.”

“Fingerprints?”

“Yeah,” Jack clicked on another photo. “Just a partial print I lifted from the frame of the window next to the door.”

“Did you run it through the system?” DI Raymond asked.

“I have, no matches I’m afraid,” Jack answered, edging closer to the table in the middle of the room again.

“Okay, let’s see what else we can find to identify Hope. If she was bought illegally, it might be some sort of money trap,” Thomas stood up, gathering the various files from the desk, his eyes flickering between Jack and Nikki. “Jack, Nikki, can I see you in my office please?”

Jack and Nikki shared a look, worry both on their faces. They knew what was coming and what was about to happen. Nikki was surprised that it hadn’t happened sooner, she knew her and Jack couldn’t go on like this any longer and now the time had called for Thomas to step in. Standing up from her chair, Nikki followed after Thomas, Jack a few paces behind. DI Raymond glanced over at Clarissa, both of them intrigued.

Thomas let the two of them enter first, making a point of closing the door to his office. He gestured for the two of them to take a seat.

“Now I was hoping that I wasn’t going to have to do this,” Thomas walked around his desk before eventually sitting in his own chair. “You’re both adults, I would’ve thought that things would fizzle out sooner or later but clearly not. And now it’s starting to have an effect on the Lyell and I can’t have that.”

“You both are great assets to this team and I don’t want to see either of you leave but if it calls for it I will have to start thinking about moving you around,” he explained. He could see the looks on their faces and he was half expecting Jack to fling a punch in his direction. Mercifully he stayed sat in his seat and Thomas hoped that he could see that this was something that he had no choice about. “Now I don’t particularly care about what’s happened between you but it’s starting to affect your work and people are asking questions. So I’ll give you the rest of the week to sort this out and if nothing’s changed then I will be stepping in. Okay?”

Nikki nodded, knowing that he was right. She looked over at Jack who was doing the same thing as her. And then he stood up, leaving first. Nikki almost ran after him. Her mind returning to one thing Thomas had said, _I don’t particularly care about what’s happened between you,_ did he know? Her heart sank as she realised that if Thomas knew about what had happened between her and Jack then it wouldn’t have mattered if she walked back in here and told everyone that she was carrying Jack’s baby. They would’ve known already. She wanted to cry, she wanted to go back to that day and change everything. But now she was stuck and she was too deep into the lie to do anything about it.

She reached out to grab Jack’s arm pulling him back towards her, “How long has Thomas known?”

“About what?” Jack replied, his mind somewhere else entirely.

“About us,” Nikki retorted, fighting against the temptation to roll her eyes.

Jack shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. Since the crash?”

Nikki just sighed, they had all known and now she had got herself into the mess that is her relationship with Matt. He had convinced her that she would humiliate him if she told everyone the truth but now it turns out they were all probably laughing at her anyway. At her sham relationship with him. She just felt stupid and as though someone had slapped her across the face. She’d wanted to laugh at the irony of that almost being the truth in her case.

She pushed her way past Jack and walked down the hallway but she stopped dead in her tracks as she felt the biggest movement she’d felt all day. Jack came running up behind her, worried as to why she had stopped walking suddenly and why she had her hand on her stomach. All the thoughts about how he couldn’t do this anymore escaping his mind as he looked down at the person he cared the most about.

“What’s happened?” He asked, he wanted to reach out and hold her but he couldn’t find himself doing it. He didn’t want to push that boundary, if they were on the road to building up their relationship and friendship again then it needed to be one step at a time.

Nikki didn’t say anything she just grabbed his hand and placed it against her stomach, the beam spreading across her face. She watched the expressions on Jack’s face change from panic to adoration as he felt the baby move against his hand. Jack let out a breath as he felt it, it was almost surreal and he couldn’t quite believe it.

“Oh my God,” escaped from his mouth as he stepped closer to her, his hands not moving. He couldn’t quite pinpoint exactly what it was that was making his heart race, the feeling of this baby moving underneath his palm or the fact that Nikki was the one to put his hand there in the first place. That she wanted him to experience this moment with her.

“That’s the biggest one yet,” Nikki grinned, actually allowing herself to be happy about this whole pregnancy for a change. She could feel the air was thick around them as she felt her eyes connect with his. Her heart fell to the floor and her smile dropped, this was wrong. She moved away from him, his hand slipping from her stomach and the seriousness washing over her once again. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Nikki’s it’s alright,” he put his hands up as if he was going to place them on her shoulder but he remained where he stood. “Honestly, you’re just excited. You’re allowed to be.”

Her eyes looked down at the floor briefly before moving back up to catch his, “I know, it’s just,” she stopped, not really sure of what she was going to say next. “With everything going on, I don’t want to rub your nose in it. I’m sorry.”

Jack made the move and wrapped his arm around her, engulfing her in his chest, “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about Niks, I’m the one who’s been an arse. You made your decision and I should’ve respected that,” his hands ran up and down her back as she held onto him tightly. “I promised you that I would respect it but I didn’t and for that I’m sorry. It was all just a big shock and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

Nikki pulled away from him, the tears threatening to escape, “So you’re not going then?”

Jack’s hands cupped her cheeks as he shook his head, “No,” he spoke matter of factly. “Because I can’t bear the thought of not having you in my life. Even if it’s just as a friend.”

“Good,” Nikki hugged him back. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” Jack spoke, resting his chin on the top of her head. The smell of her shampoo wafting up his nose and making him feel weak at the knees. They could get through this, it was going to hurt. Because he had got the taste of something he was never going to get again but he could power through it. And maybe seeing Nikki making her little family with Matt was going to be the key to him getting over that. He couldn’t care less about Matt, he had never trusted him but Jack wasn’t going to punish a baby for that. He wasn’t going to break up a family. He had known what that felt like, to leave his mother back home in Ireland whilst he moved down to Yorkshire with his father and Ryan. And he didn’t want to do that to anyone else.

He hadn’t seen his mother in years, they had spoken over the phone occasionally but that was about it. He had tried to explain to her how video call worked so he could see her face but she had, in not so many words, told him to piss off and that she was too old for all of that now. Jack had wanted to go back to Belfast but he couldn’t face the memories and horrors of the place. And there was no way he was going to be able to convince his mother to come and see him in London.


	12. Chapter 12

Her eyes shot open as her alarm sounded off next to her. She sighed, the minute she had finally managed to drop off, was the time she had to wake up and get ready for work. She pushed herself up from the bed, her now protruding stomach making everything that little bit more difficult. Although she knew she wasn’t as big as she should’ve been and people were really going to start asking questions once she reached the nine month and she still had another month to go. The next two months were going to be long.

Thomas had insisted on her taking an early maternity, something about not wanting to let the stress of work get to her in the later stages. But she had told him that she was better off at work, finding the place much more peaceful than at home.

Standing up she felt all the blood rush to her head and her eyes blurred causing her to sit back down on the bed to take a moment to gather herself. The pain in her side that had been there all night getting stronger. She had tried her best to ignore it and not think about it but now she was awake she was fully aware of it. She took a deep breathe in through her nose and out of her mouth, trying her hardest to calm herself.

She knew that she probably shouldn’t go to work and she should probably get herself to hospital but she really couldn’t bear that thought right now. She didn’t want to stay at home, especially since Matt would insist on staying with her and she’d only get annoyed at him for fussing over her all the time. He had been like a different person for the past couple of months, more reminiscent of the person she had fallen for in the first place. But that other side of him still lurked around, behind his eyes. She could see it when she looked at him sometimes, when she hadn’t realised that she had mentioned Jack in conversation one too many times.

This whole situation was stressing her out enough as it was, she didn’t need Matt making things ten times worse. So, she picked her clothes out from her wardrobe and got herself ready for work despite the incessant stabbing in her side. She’d settled on a loose flowing dress, she wasn’t in the mood for squeezing herself into something, that and she knew it would probably only make the pain worse.

She carefully walked down the stairs, her hand gripping onto the banister so she didn’t fall down. As she reached the bottom of the stairs she could see that Matt was in the kitchen making her breakfast. If it had been anyone else, she would’ve been over the moon and smiled at the thoughtful gesture. But she couldn’t bring that smile to her face. She watched as he rushed over to her, his hands cupping her face.

“Nikki, what’s wrong?” He asked, his voice laced with worry. “You don’t look right.”

She pushed his hands away from her, the shiver running down her spine at his touch, “Nothing, I’m fine,” she managed to get out, her throat feeling dry. “Just got a bit of a headache that’s all.”

“Well, you’re not going in,” Matt dropped his hands to his side, balling them into fists before turning back towards what he was making. “I’ll phone Thomas and let him know.”

“No, Matt I’m going in. It’s nothing really,” she shook her head. “Besides, the case we’re working on at the minute, they need me to be there.”

Matt rolled his eyes at her, “I’m sure the three of them can cope without you. They’re going to have to learn once you’re off for the next couple of months,” he made a point of gesturing to her stomach. Almost feeling self-conscious at this, Nikki placed her hand on the top, smoothing over the bump.

“I’m still going in,” she persisted, grabbing her bag from the table. She looked at him serving her up a plate but the thought of having food right now made her feel even worse. She made to pick up the car keys but Matt had got there first, taking hold of them.

“Not so fast,” he said abruptly. “If you are going to demand to go into work, then I’m still going to drive you there. I’m not letting you get behind the wheel in your state. We know what happened the last time you drove.”

Nikki bit back the retort, she wanted to argue with him. She wanted to get it all off her chest, but the longer she stayed here, the worse the pain was getting and she really didn’t want to be around him for longer than was necessary. She took a deep breath and led the way out of the front door and into the car.

She remained silent for the drive, her hand trying to soothe the pain that had travelled from her side and had now spread across her stomach. She’d had these twinges all night and it had kept her awake, which didn’t help her at all. She needed her sleep more than ever right now because god knows how many hours she was going to get a night once the baby arrived.

They eventually pulled up outside the entrance of the Lyell but as she went to unbuckle her seatbelt, Matt’s hand had gripped onto her arm. That all too familiar feeling surging up her arm as she winced. She tried to get out of his grasp but he only held on tighter, she looked down to see the bruises already colouring. She had not seen them for months.

“You’re telling Thomas that you are going to take up his offer for early maternity, today,” he twisted his hand around her wrist, pulling at her skin and turning it red. Nikki bit down on her lip hard, the pain getting too much to bear. “Do you understand me? I want to look after you Nikki but I can’t do that when you insist on being at work all the time. With _him._ ”

The tears rolled down her cheeks, how was this looking after her? This was just making everything worse. She let go of the breath that she was holding in as he finally dropped her arm. She gave him a small nod before leaving the car as quickly as possible, ignoring the fact that her vision blurred as she made her way through the entrance. The buzzing in her head eventually stopped as she was behind the safety of what she considered home. Where no one could hurt her.

Walking over to the elevator, she clicked the button and waited for the lift to arrive. She tried to wipe away the tears from her eyes and hoped that not too much of her makeup had run off. She was looking pale enough as it is she didn’t need to make it anymore obvious. The lift pinged and the doors slowly opened. She stepped inside and pressed the third floor, her hands latching onto the railing and holding on tightly as she felt the lift shudder.

Her heart was racing, this was the last thing she needed today. But thankfully, the doors were opening once again and she was on the right floor. She dug through her bag and pulled out her identity card as she made her way towards the glass doors. She swiped her card through and the door clicked open. She smiled to herself, the place was silent. The only sound was her shoes tapping across the floor.

She knew Jack was here, she had seen his car outside and his jacket was hanging on the back of his chair. There were no signs of anyone else though. She flopped down on her chair, feeling her body relax as she flung her head back. She had been so stressed about Matt in the past couple of minutes she had completely forgotten about the pain in her stomach but that was quickly returning as she lunged herself forward, almost doubling over. Her hand held onto the table as her other hand caressed her stomach. She had heard about Braxton Hicks but she was sure that they shouldn’t have been this strong.

The panic was starting to set in now and the tears were welling up again. She took another deep breath trying to ease the twinges and it soon mellowed. Her hand continued to massage her stomach and she was soon relaxing again. She knew this wasn’t something she should ignore but she was distracted by Jack walking into the room and settling down at his desk opposite her.

“Morning,” he spoke, his mind focused on his computer but as he looked up and seen her, his heart dropped. She was as white as a ghost and he could seen the pain in her eyes. “Nikki, you look terrible are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Nikki shook him off, logging on to her computer. But she could feel it creeping up on her again. She closed her eyes, doing her best just to breathe through it.

“I don’t think you should be here,” Jack slowly stood up from his chair, watching her carefully. Her hands were white from where she was gripping on the desk so hard and as he heard her call out he was by her side instantly. She was holding on to her stomach and the tears were falling down her cheeks. “Right, I’m taking you to the hospital,” Jack checked his pocket for his car keys before he was looping his arm underneath hers and guided her back towards the lift.

Nikki was holding on to the railing, the pain not easing this time. Jack kept pushing the ground floor button in the hopes that the lift doors would close sooner but as the doors closed and they started moving, the lights suddenly switched off. They were no longer moving.

“Shit,” Jack spoke under his breath. His hands running through his hair, what on earth was he going to do now? His mind was racing but he was quickly distracted by Nikki groaning again.

“Jack, what’s,” she started in between breaths. She was hunched over as she felt another contraction. Because she was sure that she was going into labour now and the panic was rising up her throat. It was too soon for all of this to be happening and now there was a chance she was stuck in the lift, making everything ten times worse. “What’s going on?”

“Right Nikki don’t worry,” Jack walked over to her, placing his hands on her shoulders. Nikki looked up at him, his eyes calm whilst hers were frenzied, too much going on, all at once. “I’m going to phone someone, keep breathing. I’m going to get us out of here.”

Jack dug into his back pocket, pulling out of his phone and looking for Thomas in his contacts. Finally finding the man, he clicked on his name, letting the dial tone ring. He thanked the lord that he was able to get service but his heart sank as he reached Thomas’ voicemail, he must’ve been driving. He didn’t have much time to think of what to do next as Nikki called his name, her voice full of panic.

She looked up at him, already defeated and breathless, “My waters have broken,” she let out. Jack eyes looked down at the floor and sure enough, they were stuck in a lift and Nikki had gone into labour. But she was shaking her head, reaching out to hold onto him as the pain seared through her body. “It’s too soon, it’s too soon.”

“No Nikki, it’s fine, you’re fine. You’re just panicking because we’re stuck but it’s okay, I’m going to get some help,” Jack helped to lower her down on to the floor, thinking that that was probably the best thing for her right now. He was reaching for his phone again, his fingers quickly dialling 999. He was put through to the ambulance and gave them all his details and his current situation. The woman on the other end of the phone was doing her best to calm him and said that she was going to guide him through everything should something happen before the paramedics arrive.

“How many weeks is she?” The dispatcher asked.

Jack looked over at Nikki, placing the call on loud speaker so Nikki would be able to know what was going on as well, “How many weeks are you Nikki?” He asked softly, trying to keep a cool head because someone needed to.

She shook her head, “It’s too soon,” she cried.

“How many weeks are you darling, we really need to know,” the woman questioned.

Nikki’s breathing was getting more and more rapid and she didn’t know what she was panicking more about, being stuck in a lift, going into labour or having to finally tell Jack that she was carrying his baby. Her eyes connected with his as the tears slipped down her face, “I’m so sorry Jack,” she watched as Jack’s eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “I’m thirty weeks,” she finally got out.

Jack’s face dropped as he did the maths. It was his. This whole time. A range of emotions raced through him, he was angry, upset but he was about to be a father. Unknowingly, this news had been thrown upon and he wasn’t going to have any time to get used to the idea. He was going to be a father in a matter of hours.

He didn’t even take in what the woman was saying on the other end as he stared at Nikki, why had she lied to him? He had asked her and she had said no. To his face. She had been so adamant about it as well. He wanted to run, to punch something, anything to let his anger out. But his heart broke as he looked at the damaged woman in front of him, what he felt right now didn’t matter. There was a baby on it’s way. _His_ baby. What he was feeling had to wait until later.

He watched as Nikki struggled to take her coat off and he just shook his thoughts away. Moving he helped to peel it from her arms and that’s when his eyes settled on the fresh coin bruises that had settled on her forearm. He felt his heart shatter, that was why she had been lying to him. The tears welled up in his eyes, he was going to kill him. He knew something was wrong, he knew he was hurting her but he didn’t push it enough. She had insisted nothing was going on but he should’ve known Nikki would hide something like this.

“Oh Nikki,” he sighed as he looked over at her, helpless and broken. He closed his eyes as her hand cupped his cheek.

“I’m so sorry Jack,” she started but was soon distracted by another contraction. They were getting stronger and Jack knew that they were getting closer. This baby wasn’t going to wait very long. She continued as it eased. “I wanted to tell you. I really did but Matt, he…”

“Nikki, don’t worry about all of that right now,” Jack interrupted, his hand resting at the back of her head. “I understand why you didn’t tell me and I am not going to punish you for that, alright? What matters right now, is that this little one comes into the world as safely as possible. And I need you to concentrate on that. I am going to be here the whole time and I can’t exactly go anywhere can I?” He chuckled, giving her a wink as he spotted her lips twitching into the smallest of smiles.

Although her face screwed up and her hand reached for his as another contraction washed over her. He picked up his phone that he had left on the floor next to him, he held it closer to him so he could talk to the dispatcher.

“They’re getting closer,” he spoke.

“Right, Jack I’m going to have to ask you to see how dilated she is,” she started. Jack nodded, this was the last thing he expected he was going to have to do when he came to work today but he did what he had to do.

“She’s 10 centimetres,” he knew what that meant before he even had to tell the woman.

“Okay, Nikki. The next time you feel a contraction, if you feel you need to push, then push,” the woman explained. “And keep breathing, in through your nose and out through your mouth. Jack you’re going to need to hold her hand and you need to be ready to guide the baby out.”

“Already doing that,” he laughed and Nikki still managed to roll her eyes despite the sweat that was now trickling down her forehead. Jack looked down at his phone hearing the ringing, it was Thomas, he quickly put the dispatcher on hold whilst he spoke to his boss. “Thomas, Nikki and I are stuck in the lift and she’s gone into labour. The ambulance has been phoned, they should be here any minute. I need you to get hold of the operator or something because we need these doors open.”

“Shit,” was all Thomas had said. He had just walked into the building and tried the lift himself only to find that it had stopped working. He had used the stairs but once he got in and found Jack and Nikki’s stuff everywhere but neither of them were anywhere to be seen, he had started to panic. He’d seen that Jack had tried to call him but he wasn’t expecting the two of them to be locked in the lift together and with a baby on it’s way. “I’m outside the lift now,” he stopped as he heard the sirens. “The ambulance is here Jack.”

“Okay, I’m going to have to go, I’m still on the phone to them,” Jack hung up on Thomas and was now speaking to the woman again. “Sorry that was the boss, he’s getting hold of someone to open the doors.” He placed the phone back down on the floor again, his focus turning to Nikki once again as she shifted.

“Jack,” she reached out for him, feeling another contraction coming and the need to push growing. “I should’ve told you. I’m sorry. If you don’t want to ever talk to me again, I’ll understand,” she cried, the tears blurring her vision so much she could barely see a thing. “Jack I love you. It’s always been you. I should’ve done something about Matt sooner. I’m scared.”

“Nikki I love you too, you know that. But you have got to listen to me,” he began as he felt her hand gripping onto him harder and he was sure he could feel her fingernails digging into him. But with all the adrenaline that was pumping around his body he really couldn’t care less right now. “You are the strongest woman I know, you can do this. Don’t worry about Matt, don’t worry about me. Just worry about this little one, okay? We can deal with Matt later. And I’m not leaving. Do you understand? Even if you tried, you couldn’t get rid of me. Besides, I think you’d miss me too much,” he smiled briefly but then he felt her tense again and it was time. “Ready?”

Nikki nodded as she held on to Jack’s hand as tight as she possibly could, her mind tuning in to one thing as she pushed with all her might. Jack’s free hand had moved to help guide the head out, the oxygen escaping his lungs as he held the head. Nikki relaxed for a moment, catching her breath, “Nikki you’ve got this, you’re nearly there. Keep going.”

She waited for the next contraction which came along quite quickly and she was pushing again, her whole body tensed. She was surprised she hadn’t broken any of Jack’s fingers but she doubted he would even notice at this point. Jack dropped his hand from hers as he guided the baby out. _She_ was tiny in his hands, his heart stopped for a moment as she remained silent. But then there was the smallest of cries and he relaxed, the tears falling from his eyes. She was beautiful.

He looked over at Nikki who just looked completely exhausted, he quickly wrapped his baby in the flannel shirt he had been wearing. He jumped as the lights of the lift flickered on again and they were moving down. He carefully passed the baby over to Nikki as he sat down next to her, not wanting to take his eyes off what was now his child. Nikki leaned into him, her body feeling weak. He pressed his lips into the side of her head as she held the baby close to her chest.

“She’s perfect Jack,” she breathed, the sweat mixing with tears on her face. The peace was quickly broken as the doors opened and the paramedics rushed in. There was still so much Nikki needed to do and with the baby being so early they needed to get them into the hospital as quickly as possible. Jack stood up, wanting to get out their way but he could see the distraught look on Nikki’s face as they took the baby away to examine her and he was at her side once again, trying to calm her. Although she didn’t have that much fight left in her.

Thomas had rounded the corner, seeing the scene unfolding in front of him. His eyes caught with Jack’s as he helped lift her on to the trolley, the paramedics wrapping her up. He gestured for him to quickly fill him in on everything before they were whisked off to the hospital.

“She’s amazing Thomas,” Jack exclaimed, tears rolling down his face as he hugged the fellow man. “I mean she’s probably going to be in hospital for a few weeks because she’s so early but the paramedics think she has a good chance. She’s a little fighter that’s for sure.”

“Well with the two of you as parents it’s no surprise,” Thomas smiled softly, quickly realising what was going on. “Congratulations. I’ll meet you up there, yeah?”

Jack nodded before he was joining Nikki and the baby in the ambulance.

It wasn’t long until they had arrived at the hospital and were settling in at the maternity ward, Nikki was being checked over whilst other paediatricians were running various tests on the baby. Jack was torn over who to be with but Nikki had insisted that he stay with the baby, incase something happened. He had made the doctors promise to bring her up as soon as she was ready.

He was now stood outside the small window, watching as they fussed over their baby, applying various tubes as she lay in the incubator. His heart broke, she had seemed fine by at the Lyell but between the journey from there to here she was starting to struggle. Luckily, they had gone against putting her on a ventilator as she seemed to be breathing just fine on her own.

The paediatrician came out to talk to Jack, “She is going to have to stay in for a couple of weeks, for her safety. Her immune system is very vulnerable right now so we need as little risks as possible. But I think she’ll be fine. She’s breathing on her own which is the biggest thing,” he smiled, patting him on the arm. “Of course, we’ll be keeping a close eye on her but you can go in and see her. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Jack smiled back, nodding as he digested the information. She certainly was a fighter. And with that he made his way into the small room. Her tiny body lying in what could only be described as a glass spaceship. He placed his hand through one of the little holes so he could touch her hand, balled into small fists. But they opened slightly as he brushed his finger past. She had taken hold of his finger.

“Hey little one,” he breathed. The tears filling his eyes. “It’s your dad. I can’t believe it, who let me become a father, eh? I don’t even know where to begin. It doesn’t feel real. But you are perfect and nobody is going to take you away from me, do you understand? I’ve let a certain person stand in my way too long but now that you’re here, there’s no chance of that happening.” He gulped, turning to see Nikki stood in the doorway, he rushed over to her. “Nikki, you shouldn’t be walking.”

She brushed him off, “I’m fine, how is she?” She slowly edged her way closer to the incubator in the middle of the room, ignoring the fact that her legs felt as though they were going to give way any minute. The tears slipped as she took in the sight of her baby for the first time since they were in the lift. Her heart broke at all the tubes and wires that were surrounding her but she still placed her hand through the hole, her finger stroking against her daughters soft cheek.

She couldn’t believe it. In the space of a couple of hours she had actually given birth and now her daughter was lying there in front of her. And the one person she had wanted to be by her side throughout this whole thing, finally knew. She had finally told him the truth. She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about what Matt would be saying about it all. But now, seeing her child before her very eyes, she felt invincible. Nothing was going to stand in her way, certainly not Matt. The maternal instinct she had been trying to bottle up for months just spilling all around her now. The only thing she cared about was her daughter.

She did wonder what her mother would be thinking of her right now. What she would be saying. She would be proud of her, she knew that for sure. And she would’ve told her that she did the right thing in the end, telling Jack. Nikki just hoped that Jack would forgive her for lying to him for months, but given that he was here with her right now, she supposed she didn’t have to worry about that.

Jack was stood next to her now, “The doctors think she’ll be fine. They’re going to keep her in for a few weeks just to make sure she doesn’t catch anything but she’s a fighter Nikki. Just like her mother.”

“And her father,” she chimed in, looking up at him and catching his eye.

The realisation was starting to hit him all of a sudden, “What happens now?”

Nikki shrugged her shoulders, her focus turning back to the baby laying in front of her, “I don’t know. I don’t care,” she paused, gathering herself. “The most important thing to me right now is her and I don’t want Matt anywhere near her.”

Jack’s eyes dropped, “How long has it been going on?”

She shook her head, “Since he found out about us,” the lump forming in her throat. It was strange, she had been wanting to tell him all of this for months but now she finally had the opportunity to tell him everything, she couldn’t find the words. “I asked him. If he had been deleting my messages. That was the first time. I didn’t think anything of it, I just thought I pushed him too much.”

She bit her lip trying to control the sobs. She felt Jack stepping towards her and placing his arm around her, his hand smoothing up and down her back as she continued, “Then I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks later. And he asked if it was yours. I couldn’t lie to him and it sounded as if he already knew so I told him it was and he forced me to announce in front of everyone, so that I couldn’t go back on my word. Couldn’t humiliate him. I wanted to tell you Jack, I really did,” she let the cries out now, the tears falling freely as she gripped on to his t-shirt. “When you came to me that night and asked me, I forced myself to say it. To tell you. But I could hear Matt in my head and I thought that if I told you then he was going to hurt you or the baby and I couldn’t bear the thought of that.”

“Oh Nikki,” he sighed, hugging her properly now, her whole body shaking. “He’s not going to get away with this. And if he thinks that he’s going to get anywhere near my two girls he can think again. I’m not going anywhere.” She pulled back from him, Jack’s hands cupping her face as his thumb swiped the tears away. His eyes flickered between her lips and her own eyes and he was about to lean down to close the gap between them but they were interrupted by a dark figure in the doorway.

Nikki was quick to step away from Jack but he stood in front of her, holding his arm out so she would be protected by his body.

“Well isn’t this,” Matt’s eyes danced between the pair. “Cosy.”

“I think me and you need to have a chat outside, don’t you?” Jack stalked over to him, raising his eyebrow. He led the way out of the room as Matt huffed but followed behind him. He walked down various hallways and each time he opened the door the anger built up inside him. Then the outside air suddenly hit them and Jack had grabbed Matt by the scruff of his shirt and was now pinning him up against the wall.

Matt struggled against him, trying to prise his hands from his shirt but it only made Jack grip on tighter.

“Do you want to explain me why Nikki has got bruises all over her arms?” Jack growled, his accent strong. “Why that wee one in there nearly didn’t know who it’s father was? Do you get a kick out of intimidating her, huh? Satisfying is it?”

“Coming from the cage fighter? That’s a bit hypocritical Jack,” Matt spat back.

“Well you want to know the difference between me and you Matt? I know how to control my anger,” he said through gritted teeth. This probably wasn’t a good time to say that but Jack didn’t care all that much under the circumstances. “And I certainly wouldn’t take it out anyone who didn’t deserve it. And I really wouldn’t take it out someone who was carrying a new life inside of her. That bruise on her arm, it’s still red, that was made today. What did she do Matt? Did she push one too many buttons? Or did you get bored?”

“So go on then, hit me,” Matt grinned, knowing that he was winding Jack up. Jack dropped his hands, letting the man go, he wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of getting what he wants. Even if he did deserve it.

“Just go home Matt,” he sighed, backing away from him and heading back towards the entrance but he stopped as he heard Matt speaking again.

“What now? You and Nikki are going to live happily ever after?” He taunted him. “Good luck with that one. I gave her everything she could’ve ever wanted but she still turned the other way. She did it to me and she’ll do it to you. That baby will have a long list of men to call a dad.”

Jack closed his eyes, counting to ten, his hands balling into a fist.

“She doesn’t love you Jack, why would she choose me if she did?”

That was enough, Jack turned around, his fist connecting with the side of Matt’s head. The satisfying crack echoing as the mans body hit the floor. He felt a palm coming up to his chest pushing him away.

“Come on Jack, that’s enough,” it was Thomas, doing his best to stand in between Matt and Jack. Although it was clear who had won this fight.

“If you lay a hand on her again, I will kill you,” Jack pointed down at Matt, his voice full of fury.

Matt held his hand to his jaw, the blood dripping from his nose and his lip. But there was still a grin on his face as he looked up at Jack. And then he was lying back on the concrete, laughing to himself.

Thomas was quick to push Jack away again as he made to go back to Matt, “Go be with Nikki and your baby Jack. I can sort this out.”

Jack shook his head, the things he would do to Matt was unspeakable. That man deserved to rot in hell for the things he had done to her. He tried to think of Nikki who was still waiting for him and this tiny baby who had no idea of what was going on. He flexed his hand as he stood in the doorway, it had only been one punch but the power behind it was undeniable, given the blood on his knuckles. That had been stored up for a good while now.

Nikki turned to face him, her face full of confusion. But as he stepped closer to her, she could see his hand and her heart dropped. She rushed over to him, taking his hand in her own, her thumb swiping over the red liquid.

“Jack, you didn’t,” she sighed.

“I’m sorry,” his hand was on the back of her neck and he was pulling her into his chest. His lips pressing into the top of her head. “But he’s not going to hurt either of you again, I’m going to make sure of that.”


	13. Chapter 13

“Nikki, you’re going to have to go home at some point,” Jack spoke as he handed her a coffee. “Even if it’s just to get a change of clothes.”

“I know,” Nikki looked over at him, the bags under her eyes hauntingly obvious. “I just don’t want to leave her.”

Jack hung his head, knowing that she was going to say that. It had been a long couple of days and Nikki hadn’t left her side. Jack had been back and forth to work, helping out with some things here and there until Thomas could find someone to cover him for the next few weeks. But Nikki had stayed put, her eyes never leaving their daughter. They hadn’t even decided on a name yet, Nikki admitting to him that she hadn’t been thinking of any. Matt had been the one suggesting names but she had been against them all, Matt being the one to name her child not sitting right with her.

Jack didn’t even know where to start, unlike Nikki he had only had a couple of days to mill over the thoughts. Nothing quite springing to mind just yet. Although they were going to have to decide on something pretty soon. He couldn’t keep calling her daughter all the time, she needed a name.

“How about I go pick some stuff up for you, if you’re insisting on staying here,” Jack suggested.

Nikki thought over it for a moment, she did need to freshen up but there was no way she was going to let her little one out of her sight. Especially not when she still had Matt’s image playing on her mind all the time. It was bad enough she felt vulnerable when Jack wasn’t around but the thought of leaving her daughter all alone, giving anyone the opportunity to come in and take her, she couldn’t bear it. She knew she was just being paranoid but she wouldn’t put it past Matt to pull a stunt like that, just so he could get back at her.

She took a sip of coffee, her lips twitching. Jack had gone to the effort of finding her some proper coffee and not just the one from the machine that she had been complaining about. She could feel the familiar flutter in her stomach, he had been so good for the past couple of days. Doing everything he could for her and now he was offering to go pick up clothes for her. She really didn’t deserve him, not after the way she had treated him over the last few months. And especially after lying to him about carrying his child. But she supposed that he could see that that wasn’t her fault.

Reaching over she picked up her bag and pulled out her house keys, along with her purse. She pulled out a few notes, handing them over to him, “I know this is a big ask but could you get the locks changed please. Matt’s sill got his key so,” she started. “I’m not sure how much it will be but I think that’s enough. I don’t have a number but…”

“Nikki,” Jack interrupted, taking the key from her hand but leaving the money. “Don’t worry about it, I’ll sort it all out. It would be my pleasure.”

“Thank you,” she replied, tears welling in her eyes. “For everything. Being here, after everything I’ve put you through. I’m sorry.”

“You’ve got to stop saying sorry,” Jack smiled softly. “I just wish you would’ve told me about Matt sooner, I could’ve done something. But all that matters now is that our daughter is here, she’s the most important thing,” he leaned down, placing a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ll be back soon.”

Nikki wiped at her eyes as she watched him disappear behind the door. She stood up, taking a deep breath as she walked over to the incubator. Her tiny daughter lying in the middle, the tubes and wires still surrounding her. Jack had managed to find a hat small enough to fit her head, but even then it was still slightly too big. Placing her hand through the hole, the back of her finger running along her soft cheek. Nikki felt her move underneath her and her eyes slowly opened.

“Hello, little one,” she whispered. She felt her heart flutter as the baby moved to try and reach out to Nikki. “You’re going to need a name soon, eh? I wonder if daddy will be able to think of anything.”

She jumped as she heard a doctor coming in behind her to check over her vitals, “She’s so sweet,” the doctor spoke. “She seems to be doing really well and she’s putting on weight. How do you feel about taking her out and holding her?”

“Really?” Nikki’s eyes lit up. But then her mind shot back to Jack. “Can we wait a couple of hours though, I’d want Jack to be there.”

“Of course,” the doctor nodded as she took down a couple of notes. “Still no name?”

“Not yet,” Nikki smiled, looking over at her daughter again.

***

It wasn’t long after Jack arrived at her house that he heard a knock on the door, the guy had arrived to change the locks. He opened up the door and moving so he could get on with what he needed to do whilst Jack continued packing up some essentials for Nikki. He walked around her room, he’d never been in here before. He almost chuckled, they had been sleeping together yet he’d never set foot in her bedroom.

As he opened the drawer, he could see that Matt was yet to collect his stuff. He knew that he was just putting it off until Nikki would come home so he could swoop in and manipulate her. But Jack had made a promise that he wouldn’t let that happen again so he began pulling all the various items of clothing out of the drawers.

He reached what look like Nikki’s and started neatly placing them in a bag he had found under the bed. He wasn’t really sure of what he had to bring but he just picked the things that it seemed she would need the most. He left Matt’s pile of clothes and a few other things he had assumed was his while he went downstairs in search of some black bags.

As he reached the bottom of the stairs, he could see that the man was finishing up. It was a good job he wasn’t getting paid by the hour otherwise he wouldn’t have any money.

“Alright mate,” the man spoke. “That’ll be forty quid.”

Jack was quick to dig into his pocket and handed the man the money.

“That’s the main key,” the man placed one key in Jack’s hand. “And that’s the spare. If you need anything else, you’ve got my number.”

Jack nodded, letting the man out, “Thank you.”

He turned back and walked up the hallway and into the kitchen, “Aha,” he exclaimed as he found a set of bin liners in the cupboard under the sink. And with that he was back upstairs, squishing all of Matt’s stuff into the bin bags. As he was carrying the bin bags out of the room, he noticed a door ajar in the hallway. The curiosity in Jack sparked as he placed the bags back down on the floor and made his way over to the room.

He pushed the door open, revealing a fairly bare room besides from a cot and some drawers. Sheets had been placed over them and he could see the cans of paint sitting in the middle of the room. He sighed. She hadn’t even got round to finishing the nursery yet and this baby could be home in a matter of weeks.

Jack thought to himself as he walked further into the room. He did have a key to Nikki’s house now so there was nothing stopping him from coming in when he had the time to do the room up himself and it would be a nice surprise for her when she came home. He smiled to himself as he spotted a cream rabbit in the cot, picking it up he held it in his hands. He had something just like this when he was a child. He could remember dragging it around with him everywhere and his mother yelling at him, telling him that he needed to give it to her so she could actually wash the thing. His brows furrowed as he wondered where that teddy had ended up, and when exactly he had decided to part with it.

That was the second time his mother had popped into his head recently, becoming a dad reminding him of his own family situation. He probably should message her to let her know what was going on, she had a right to know after all. But he wasn’t sure if he was prepared to go into all those details with her right now.

He jumped as he heard a banging on the door. Quickly wiping the back of his hand across his face, Jack made his way down the stairs, picking up the bags along the way as he had a feeling he knew who was going to be on the other side of the door.

As he opened the door, he smirked, chucking the bags onto the doorstep.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Matt scoffed. “It didn’t take her long did it?”

“What do you want Matt?” Jack folded his arms.

“I came to see Nikki,” Matt raised an eyebrow.

“Well she’s not here,” he replied. “And don’t even bother going to the hospital because I’m about to go there myself.”

Matt shook his head, letting out a breath. There was still a smug smile on his face but Jack could see the bruises he had left behind after that punch a couple of days ago, “It won’t work you know,” Matt started. “You and her, I mean. Nikki’s not one for commitment, but you know that as much as I do. You’re no different Jack. You’ll get pushed to the side like the rest of us. So why don’t we make this easy, let me see her. Give me the chance to remind her of what she’s going to miss out on by letting me go.”

Jack laughed, “You’ve got to be joking, right? The only thing Nikki’s going to be missing out on, is the fear of getting her head bashed into the wall because you’ve had a bad day,” he took a step forward. “There is no way I’m letting you within five miles of her, do you understand me? You stay away.”

“I don’t know what lies she has been telling you Jack but I have never laid a finger on her,” Matt brushed off, his expression calm, as if he really believed in what he was saying.

“No,” Jack shook his head. “I’ve known Nikki a lot longer than you pal, and I know that she never lies. Because a lie could cost her her job. So grab your stuff and go, I don’t want to see you anywhere near here ever again. Have you got that?”

Matt’s lips twitched, “Not going to hit me again Jack?” He taunted.

Jack took a step back, “Wouldn’t want to give you the satisfaction,” and then he shut the door. He waited for a few moments, just to be sure that Matt had actually left. He quickly glanced out of the window and once he was certain that Matt had gone, he grabbed the bag with Nikki’s clothes and the rabbit toy and headed out of the house.

As he was locking the door behind him, he heard a female voice talking to him. Looking over his shoulder he could see that she was a fairly old woman and he assumed that she was Nikki’s neighbour, given that she was standing on the other side of the wall.

“How’s Nikki? I haven’t seen her for a couple of days,” she spoke. “Is the baby okay?”

“Uh,” Jack stuttered not quite sure of what to say. “She’s had the baby, they’re keeping her in for a few weeks. I’m sorry, we’ve not met, you are?”

“Oh sorry,” the old woman smiled, holding her hand out and shaking Jack’s hand. “I’m Elaine. I live next door with my husband Bill. We’ve been quite worried about Nikki lately, she’s been very quiet. She’s normally very chatty with us but she’s seemed to have had her mind somewhere else. We thought it might be something to do with that Matt. Never really been a fan of him. There’s something about him. And you are?”

“Jack,” his face mirroring hers. “I work with Nikki. You couldn’t do me a huge favour, could you?” Jack reached into his pocket, pulling out a card with his number on and passing it over to the woman. “That’s my number, if you see Matt hanging around could you let me know? It’s a bit of a complicated situation but I’ll let Nikki explain that to you. But I’d be very grateful if you could just keep an eye out.”

“Oh,” Elaine spoke, slightly shocked but still took the card off the Irishman. “Of course, as long as Nikki’s okay. Send my love to the both of them, will you?”

Jack grinned, “Thank you.”

***

Soon Jack was arriving back at the hospital and after what felt like a fairly busy couple of hours, it was nice to be able to get back to seeing his daughter and Nikki. A sense of calm washing over him. Nothing had been said about their current relationship and Jack didn’t really want to push anything with everything going on. He wanted to give Nikki some space in that respect and after Matt, he knew that it was going to be hard for her to trust someone again. Even if that someone was him.

Shaking his thoughts away, he made his way onto the ward and into the room. Nikki was still sat in the same spot she was when he had left her. But she did seem somewhat perkier.

“All sorted,” he announced as he walked in and dropped the bag in the corner of the room. He bent down to pull the rabbit out and handed it over to Nikki. “I found this, thought it would be nice to bring it in.”

Nikki took it from him, her lips twitching and her eyes welling up, “I had one just like it when I was younger,” she started as she smoothed the fur down. “When I seen it in the shop I couldn’t resist. Matt didn’t like it but I got it anyway. Thank you.”

“No problem,” Jack breathed as he shrugged his jacket off and hung it on the back of the chair. He was going to have to tell her about Matt. As much as he didn’t want to, she had a right to know. “Matt turned up,” Nikki’s head snapped in his direction, panic all over her face. “Don’t worry I sent him away but I’ve asked, Elaine is it? To keep an eye out, see if he’s hanging around. She sends her love by the way.”

Nikki ran her hand through her hair, sighing, “What am I going to do Jack? He’s never going to leave me alone.”

Jack moved so that he was now crouched in front of her, he took hold of her hands in his and squeezed them gently, “Listen to me, you don’t have to do anything. I’m here now and like I keep telling you, I’m not going to let him anywhere near you two. Not over my dead body.”

Nikki smiled, bring her hand up to cup his cheek, “Thanks Jack, I don’t deserve you.”

He let out a breath, he could feel the lump in his throat forming as he stared back at her. He had never seen her so tired and helpless before. She needed a good nights sleep but he knew it was pointless trying to coax her to leave the hospital so he was just going to have to make sure that he did all the running around so the only thing she had to focus on was the baby.

He could feel the air growing thick around them as his eyes connected with hers but they were quickly interrupted by the nurse walking into the room.

“Sorry,” she spoke, turning to leave again.

“It’s alright,” Jack replied, standing up and moving away from Nikki.

“I just wanted to know if you were ready?” She asked, her eyes flicking between the pair.

Jack glanced down to Nikki, his face full of confusion. Even more so when Nikki’s entire face had lit up and she was now standing beside him with the biggest smile he hadn’t seen on her face in a long time, “They’re going to let us hold her,” she beamed. “I wanted to wait until you came back.”

Jack’s heart dropped at that and he couldn’t help the blurring in his eyes, he hadn’t held his daughter properly since the day she was born. It almost felt surreal that they had to have permission to hold their own child.

He hadn’t even noticed that the nurse had disappeared until she was returning with the doctor hot on her tail, “Shall we?” She asked as the nurse prepared to open up the incubator.

Neither Jack nor Nikki could breathe, the anticipation of finally being able to hold their daughter overwhelming them. Jack took a step back, knowing that it should be Nikki to hold her first. But he felt Nikki gripping onto his jumper pulling him towards her again and he couldn’t help the grin that was spreading across his face. She really did want him to be here, every step of the way.

They watched as the doctor carefully manoeuvred all the tubes and wires, allowing Nikki to take that step forward and pick her up. She had never felt so nervous in her whole life, her heart beating out of her chest, she was worried that she was going to drop her she was shaking that much. But she felt Jack’s hand touching the small of her back and she calmed instantly.

She was tiny and it felt as though she was made of air she was that light but she was perfect. Nikki held her against her chest and she felt her body relax, the tears slipping down her face. Jack bent down, placing a kiss on the baby’s forehead.

Nikki watched as Jack ran his finger down her face, his own tears falling from his eyes, “She’s beautiful Nikki. I can’t believe it. She’s ours.”

“Do you want to hold her?” Nikki looked up at him, biting down on her lip to try and calm the smile that was filling her face.

“Are you sure?” Jack spoke. “I don’t want to hurt her.”

Nikki chuckled, shaking her head, “You’re not going to hurt her Jack. Come here,” Jack bent his knees so Nikki could pass her over into his arms. She looked small when Nikki was holding her but with Jack, she wasn’t all that much bigger than his forearm. It was almost comical to see him holding something so delicate.

Nikki could feel her heart swelling at the sight and she thought she was going to burst. All thoughts of Matt washing away and being quickly forgotten about as she stared at her tiny baby and Jack. She could kick herself for letting things get the way they did but she wouldn’t change it for the world. Not when she knew that this was going to be the rest of her life. She couldn’t be happier.

“Have you thought about any names?” She asked, her hand reaching out to grab her daughters.

Jack sort of nodded, “I hadn’t really thought of anything but holding her, I think I would quite like to call her Dorothy, after my gran.”

“Dorothy,” Nikki thought over it for a moment, letting the name form in her mind. “I like it. It suits her. Dotty for short. Dotty Hodgson. How does that sound, eh? I think daddy’s picked a good name there,” she let Dotty wrap her hand around her finger.

“Hodgson?” Jack was taken back, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Yeah,” Nikki affirmed, allowing that smile to take over her. It almost felt as though her body was fizzing as Jack wrapped an arm around her and tucked her into his side, his lips dropping a kiss on the top of her head whilst his other arm held their daughter. Their own little family.


	14. Chapter 14

It had been a few weeks since Jack and Nikki had welcomed a new baby into their life and she had been growing everyday and getting even stronger. So much so that the doctors had decided to discharge her early, there being no need for her to stay in any longer. Although Nikki had been advised that if there were any problems then all she had to was bring her in.

Nikki had been in the middle of packing everything up when Jack finally arrived, the small car seat in his hand. She sighed as she looked up and caught his eye, “Where have you been?” She asked.

“Sorry I was adding some finishing touches,” he replied, setting the car seat down on the floor and making his way over to his daughter. Despite how much she had grown in the past couple of weeks she still looked tiny in Jack’s arms.

Nikki felt the stress leave her body as she glanced up at him, the cheesy grin spread across his face. Her lips twitched fondly as she watched the pair of them, Jack gently rocking her. She bit down on her lip to stop herself from beaming so much as she closed the bag. And just like that they were officially packed up and ready to go back home. She hadn’t been home since that day but she knew Jack had been back and forth from there picking stuff up for her and she had a feeling that he had been up to something in the meantime.

Thomas had eventually found someone to cover for them which meant Jack realistically could’ve spent most of his time at the hospital with her, which in fairness he had been. But he would disappear for hours, Nikki had often worried that maybe this wasn’t what he wanted. That he felt as though he had to be there. But then he would come back with a smile on his face and when she had spotted the flecks of paint in his hair she then realised where he had been. She didn’t say anything though, didn’t want to ruin it for him.

She felt the familiar flutter in her stomach as she watched Jack bending down to the car seat and tucking their daughter in, cooing over her in the process. She had never seen Jack like this, it was like he was a completely different person. Over the years she had known him to be hot-headed and abrasive but to see him being so careful and so gentle, it was melting her heart. But she supposed, he had always been like that with her. Always so overly caring and wanting to do everything for her.

Her heart dropped as she thought over all those moments that she had taken him for granted, pushed him to the side and never gave him a second thought. If she had just been honest with her feelings all those years ago, if she had just told him then maybe things would be different now. She would never have met Matt for one. She cursed herself for thinking of him. She tried not to but he always had a way of worming himself into her brain.

Pulling her from her thoughts was Jack’s hand on her arm, “You ready?” He spoke softly.

Nikki nodded her head as she looked around the room one last time. The doctor had already officially discharged them as they had waited for Jack so they were free to go. She walked beside Jack as he held the car seat in between them.

Buckling themselves into the car, they set off in the direction of Nikki’s house. Nikki could feel herself drifting off, her forehead leaning on the window. She hadn’t quite realised how tired she was and how much she longed to be in her own bed. She had debated going home in the few weeks but she couldn’t bring herself to leave her daughter behind on her own. It was strange, she had been so fiercely independent her whole life but now this small human being had appeared in her life she hated the mere thought of being on her own. She hadn’t quite anticipated how strong that maternal instinct was going to be but she supposed she should’ve known, it had always been there.

With so much spare time to waste in the hospital her mind had run over all the cases she had ever worked on, all the children she had helped. All the children who had lost parents just like she had. She didn’t know why she had been so scared to have a child of her own when her whole life she had done nothing but save children from despair and provide them with some sort of hope in their lives. The hope that she never got with her own mother dying and her father abandoning her at every given opportunity.

Her body must’ve sensed that she wasn’t far away from home as her eyes opened. She recognised the houses as they drove past and she could feel her heart beginning to race, everything starting to really feel real now. Her head turned to Jack who seemed to be in a world of his own.

“Jack,” she breathed, grabbing his attention. His eyes snapped in her direction, almost a sense of nervousness about him. “I’ve been thinking.”

“That’s never a good sign,” he joked, lightening the mood.

“Why don’t you move in?” She said quickly. She had been thinking about asking him for a while now, they weren’t together but she couldn’t fathom the thought of him having to ask to come see his own child. She just wanted him to have the freedom to come and go as he pleased, didn’t want him to feel like a guest. Besides, it would be much easier to have someone else around the house, especially if Matt decided he wanted to come around to see her.

“You’re serious?” He retorted, not quite believing what he was hearing. He had tried to keep his eyes focused on the road but the words that were coming out of her mouth were doing a very good job of distracting him.

“Only if you want to of course,” her eyebrows furrowed, she wasn’t sure of his reaction and now she was thinking that she had overstepped the mark and pushed that boundary. She continued in the hopes of explaining her question further. “I just think it might be a good idea given the circumstances and I would’ve thought that you wouldn’t want to be away from her.”

“Nikki I’d love to, I was going to ask anyway,” he chuckled as he thought back to the time when he’d pestered Clarissa for advice on how to approach that situation. She had just told him to stop messing around and tell Nikki what he really wants. He hadn’t quite built up the courage to get to that bit yet.

“Good,” Nikki grinned. “I’ll set up the spare room once we get settled in.”

“Oh you won’t have to worry about that,” Jack quickly interrupted her, her mouth dropping as she looked over at him and he instantly realised what it had sounded like. “No, no, I don’t mean like that. It’s just that, I may have already done that. I can explain.”

“Jack it’s fine,” she reached out, touching his arm briefly before retracting her hand. “I think I know what you’re going to say anyway so let’s just keep it a surprise.”

Jack had opened his mouth to speak but he closed it as he rounded the corner into her street. He knew that she would’ve realised sooner or later, she was a forensic pathologist after all and she never missed a trick. They parked up on her drive before the two of them were looking into the back of the car, checking that Dotty was okay. Satisfied, they both left the car. Nikki walked round to the back to open the door and retrieve her daughter from the seat.

“Hello little one,” she whispered as she unclipped the buckles. The smile spread across her face as she stayed sleeping, oblivious to everything going on around her. Nikki could hear Jack talking as he closed the boot and she knew straight away that her neighbours had come out to greet them. Carefully picking her up, Nikki held her in her arms as she shut the door and made her way over to her older neighbours.

“Oh look at her,” Elaine breathed as she ran her finger down Dotty’s soft cheek as the baby slowly opened her eyes, the dark green colour becoming much more obvious in the sunlight. “Well she’s got her father’s eyes hasn’t she?” She glanced up at Jack whose eyebrows had screwed together, he hadn’t told her anything.

“How did you…” he started but the older man who had come out behind her had beaten him to it.

“It doesn’t take a genius to work out does it?” He laughed, his eyes darting between Jack and Nikki. “You’ve been back and forth for the past couple of weeks so we knew there was a reason. Besides, I know what an excited father looks like, I’ve had the same look on my face three times.”

Nikki grinned as she gazed over at Jack, his head dropping as the blush creeped up his neck.

“Lets have a look at her then,” Bill stepped closer to the wall as he watched the small baby in Nikki’s arms. “There’s nothing quite like a new born baby is there? I’m very happy for the both of you and you know where we are if you need anything. _Anything,_ ” he emphasised. His hands resting on his wife’s shoulders. “We’ll let you get on though, bet you’ve been dying to get back here and get her settled in.”

“You could say that,” Nikki spoke, adjusting her arms as Dotty had started moving. “You’ll have to come round for a coffee or something soon though, we can have a catch up then.”

The two older people nodded before they said their goodbyes and disappeared into their own houses. Jack brushed past Nikki, using his key to open the door allowing the pair to walk in.

“Now,” he began as the door clicked behind them. “I might’ve gone overboard a little bit but you don’t have to worry about getting anything because everything is sorted. But the first thing I want to show you is upstairs.”

Jack guided the way, his feet knowing the layout of the house a lot better than the first time he had come here. He reached the door and let Nikki go first, his heart pounding out of his chest. As Nikki walked into the room she felt her stomach drop and her hand had come to her mouth as she gasped.

“Oh Jack,” she let out as she made her way further into the room and took everything in. He had gone to so much effort and it was so much better than she had originally planned. “It’s perfect,” her eyes welling up. She moved so that she could place Dotty down into the cot before pulling Jack into a hug and holding onto him tightly. “Thank you,” she breathed.

* * *

Nikki shot up, her heart racing. She pulled the blankets off her bed and headed out of the room. The panic only got worse as she noticed that the door leading to Dotty’s room was wide open. Crossing the landing she walked in, only to find that there was no baby. She gripped onto the handle for some kind of support before she was racing into the spare room.

She almost felt relieved as she spotted that Jack wasn’t there either which meant that he was probably somewhere else and their daughter was with him. Letting out a breath as she felt her body calming down, she headed downstairs. Noticing that the lamp in the living room was on she popped her head through the doorway and the smile spread across her face as she witnessed the scene in front of her.

Jack had fallen asleep on the sofa, his hands holding their daughter as she too was fast asleep on his chest. She bit her lip as she slowly sneaked into the room. She perched herself on the edge of the sofa as she took hold of Dotty and held her against her chest, her hand supporting her head. Her free hand gently shook Jack awake, the smirk growing as he stirred.

Jack looked up at her in confusion, “What’s going on?” His voice rough.

“You fell asleep,” she whispered before standing up and walking over to the other side of the room so she could place Dotty in the Moses basket. “I thought something had happened so I came downstairs and found the two of you sleeping on the sofa.”

Jack ran his hands over his face before he pushed himself up on his hands and bringing his legs around so his feet were now on the floor.

“What time is it?” He looked out the window, it was still dark outside so it must’ve been early.

Nikki shrugged her shoulders, “About six o’clock,” she breathed. “Do you want a cup of tea?”

Jack nodded before standing up and following Nikki into the kitchen, “How come you were awake? Please don’t tell me you’ve set an alarm,” he rolled his eyes as he leaned his body against the counter next to where Nikki had started making their drinks.

“No I just woke up,” she answered. “I must’ve had a bad dream.” She picked the kettle up as she heard it click and poured the boiling water into the mugs.

Jack stayed silent, the thoughts running through his head. He could sense the elephant in the room, it had been there since the day Dotty had been born but being in the hospital they didn’t have the chance to bring up that conversation. But now they were here, stood in Nikki’s kitchen and with all their worries gone there was only one question that remained. What happens now? Things had been said, from both of them, but nothing had happened.

“Nikki,” Jack sighed, grabbing her attention as she handed him a mug. “Are we ever going to talk about it?”

Nikki took a deep breath and closed her eyes, she had been expecting that for weeks and it was bound to come sooner or later. She knew what she wanted deep down, she had told him she loved him. And she did love him. But she was scared.

“I don’t know,” she let out eventually. She held the mug tightly in her hands as she glanced up, her eyes connecting with his. “These past few weeks have been so hectic I haven’t had much time to think of anything else,” she placed a mug down on the counter before taking a step closer to him. “But I don’t need to think about it, do I?”

“Nikki,” fell from his lips. The goosebumps erupting over his skin as he felt her hand coming to rest on his arm, her fingers brushing across his skin. He put his mug down next to hers before bringing his hands up to cup her face. Nikki’s hands resting at his sides. “I want to be with you. But I’m not sure that you’re ready yet.”

“Jack I’m scared,” she barely got out for the lump in her throat.

“I know,” his hands dropped from her cheeks to wrap around her body, engulfing her as her face burrowed into his chest, breathing in the scent that was just _him._ She felt safe in his arms, she always did. Jack’s lips pressed into the top of her head as he held on to her tighter.

Nikki pulled back from him slightly after a moment, so she could look up at him, “I love you Jack,” she spoke, the tears slipping down her face.

His hand moved to the back of her head, his fingers knotting in her hair, “I love you too,” he smiled. His eyes flicking between her eyes and her mouth, he knew he shouldn’t. They should be taking things one step at a time, they can’t rush it after everything that’s happened. But it felt as though another force pushed him forward. Their noses brushed and their lips inches away from each other.

Nikki could feel his breath running along her top lip, her skin tingling with anticipation. She made to close that gap between them, their lips connecting for a moment before she stopped, hearing a cry coming from the living room. Nikki sighed, moving away from him as she rested her head on his chest briefly before leaving the room.

Jack watched her go as he puffed his cheeks out, his heart racing. The moment quickly disappearing, he downed the rest of his tea before he made his way upstairs wanting nothing more than a shower in the hopes of clearing his head.

Nikki heard him walking up the stairs as she cradled the crying baby. She shook her head at herself as she held Dotty close to her, the tears now flowing freely.

“What am I going to do?” She cried as she held the baby against her chest.


	15. Chapter 15

Nikki jumped as she heard the knock on the door, Dotty sleeping peacefully in her arms. She made her way to the front door, letting out a sigh as recognised the shadow in the window.

She pushed down the handle, "Jack how many times have I got to tell you?"

Jack was stood opposite her; holding his hands in the air, "I know, I know. I forgot my key again," the smile spread slowly across his face as his eyes travelled to where his daughter had been lying. His features softened as he moved to prise her away from Nikki. She was still tiny in his hands even though it had been a few weeks since she entered the world.

Nikki's stomach fluttered at the sight she was never getting used to; he was like a different person. She had been one of the few to see his softer side anyway but as he held his daughter in his arms and stroked her small cheek with the pad of his thumb, Nikki knew that this was a side of Jack that only she would witness; she couldn't help but feel rather smug about that.

She followed him as he made his way into the living room, "I guess I'll make the tea then?" She folded her arms and raised an eyebrow at him as she caught his eye.

"Oh yes please," he grinned, winking at her as she left. His attention quickly returning to the baby in his arms whose eyes were now peeling open; their colour seemed to get brighter every day. Everyone who had seen her, had said that she had Jack's eyes. It was making him wonder how long Nikki would've been able to hide the fact that he was the father when it was obvious now that she was his.

He watched as her eyes darted across his face, taking him all in. It must be strange, he thought. Everything must look so big and terrifying as a baby. But even if that was the case, this little one didn't seem too frightened; more curious than anything as she reached out with her hand to grab his nose. Jack gasped and he could've sworn he saw the beginnings of a smile on Dotty's face.

He had called out for Nikki instantly; who made no hesitation to come running in, "What is it?" Her eyes glued to her daughter, quickly examining if there was anything wrong. Her eyebrows screwed together as both parties seemed to be okay.

"I think she just smiled," Jack's eyes were flicking back and forth between Dotty and Nikki, he was like a child who had just won a goldfish at a fairground.

Nikki's shoulders relaxed as she let out a sigh, "It's probably just wind." And then she was disappearing again to finish making the tea.

"It was definitely a smile," he whispered as his lips brushed against his daughters forehead. He couldn't get enough of her. He hadn't much time to prepare for this side of life but he was enjoying every bit of it. Even having to get up at some ungodly hour to change her or give her some food. He knew that he had been somewhat ready to be a father, he just hadn't quite anticipated for it to be so soon. But as his daughter stared up at him, her expression whimsical, he knew that this was everything he could've ever asked for.

"How was work?" Nikki asked as she walked in, placing the mugs down on the table in front of them before sitting down next to Jack.

"A bit different from the usual business," he started, his eyes never leaving Dotty's; although her own were beginning to droop again. "Young boy down at a military training base. Went with DS Vail to get evidence but once we got down there, someone had already cleaned up so we couldn't get much."

"Do you know what happened to the boy?" She pushed. She was loving every minute of having her daughter in her life but she still yearned for work. She was missing it. The different cases, the excitement. A place where she could take her mind off things. She was never good at just staying at home and doing nothing; even if she did have a baby to keep her busy most of the time, she still had those quiet moments to herself. And quite frankly she was starting to get sick of cleaning an already tidy kitchen.

"Nikki," Jack warned, raising an eyebrow at her. He knew what she was doing. She had been like this for the past two weeks, ever since he started doing the odd day back at the Lyell; digging for any bit of information, anything for her to mull her mind over. But he had been trying to remind her that there was more to life than work and she can survive without it. He also knew that the moment she returned to work, she'd be wishing to go home again and be with her daughter. But he refrained from telling her that because Nikki was stubborn enough that she would do anything in her power to prove him wrong.

Nikki just huffed, knowing that she wasn't going to get much else out of him, "I should put her in the Moses basket really," she stood up, holding her arms out. Jack reluctantly passed his daughter over to her; he was enjoying the much needed cuddles but knew that she shouldn't get used to falling asleep in his arms otherwise she'll be demanding it all the time and that will only make the already sleepless nights even worse.

Jack jumped as he felt a buzz in his pocket, he moved quickly to pull his phone out; his heart racing with anticipation. But his shoulders dropped as he seen that it was just another email.

His reaction to his phone hadn't gone unnoticed by Nikki however. He had been like this for the past couple of days; on edge, constantly checking his phone. It had worried her to no end. They were far from being together, they hadn't got round to actually talking about that situation properly yet. The both of them finding good distractions that would prevent them discussing their feelings (even though there wasn't all that much to discuss, they both knew how they felt about each other).

But she had seen how he had been every time his phone would make a sound and she couldn't help but feel a pang of disappointment every time. She wasn't ready for a relationship just yet, not after everything with Matt, but that didn't mean she didn't want to be with Jack when she _was_ ready. But she was scared that by taking her time and not being upfront about it all, was starting to have a negative effect and she was terrified that she was just pushing him away now.

She couldn't blame him really and she could hardly expect him to wait forever. She let out a breath, deciding that it was time she found out some answers, "Is there someone else?"

Jack's head snapped up to meet Nikki's eyes, not expecting those words to fall from her mouth, "What? No," he shook his head, confusion all over his face.

"If there is Jack, I don't mind," she swallowed. It was the last thing she meant. She did mind. But he wasn't hers to keep and if she had to let him go, for the sake of his happiness, then she was prepared to do that.

Jack was standing up now, taking hold of her hand, "Nikki, I promise you, there isn't anyone," he was desperate to cup her cheek, to close that gap between them. To feel her lips on his. To taste her again. It had been too long and he had known how she felt against him. How her fingers would dig into his sides, how she would nip at his bottom lip. He had known it all.

But it had to be on her terms. He would cross that boundary in a heart beat but he couldn't push her. Not after everything with Matt, she needed to be ready for that commitment; she needed to be the one to make that decision.

Nikki's eyes searched his, he looked sincere. And he would have no reason to lie to her, at least not about something like that. "Did you give Thomas his birthday card?" She queried, changing the subject as she dropped his hand.

"Shit," Jack let out.

* * *

"Oh please settle down," Nikki was on the verge of tears herself as she rocked Dotty up and down, her hair was sticking to her face and the sweat was trickling down her back. She had been trying to phone Jack, his voice had always seemed to soothe the baby - and herself for that matter - and she could really do with it right now. But he wasn't answering his phone and the stress of it all was just getting worse and worse.

She was about to click on his number again when Thomas' name popped up on her screen, "Thomas, is Jack there?" She got straight to the point, not even bothering with the hellos.

She heard him sigh on the other end and the dread filled her, her body running cold. She could barely hear what Thomas was telling her, she didn't want to hear it. She didn't want to know. But she had to know. She had to know all the details, every little thing that Thomas could spare. The only thing keeping her standing was the incessant cries of the baby still in her arms.

She couldn't believe what was happening, this had been her worst fear. She had lost everyone she had ever loved. She thought Jack would be different, he had always stayed. Always been by her side. She had thought that he would be the one to stick around with her, that they'd jump over the hurdles together. But as Thomas explained to Nikki the extent of what had happened, she was scared to think that this could be it.

He would just be another one to add to the list. First her mother, then her grandmother, then her father and then Leo. Harry had been the only one to manage to escape her touch of death. She had hoped Jack had as well. But she would never be free of it, she was cursed. She works with death so she must live with death. It didn't seem fair.

"Which hospital is he in?" She asked, already searching around for her car keys.

_"No Nikki, it's not safe," Thomas spoke firmly. "It's some kind of nerve agent, Jack only had secondary contact and he's touch and go. You've got a baby to think about now. Jack would want the two of you to be safe. Stay home Nikki."_

"But I can't just sit at home and do nothing Thomas, I have to do something."

_"You are doing something by keeping you and your daughter safe, if I get any updates I will let you know straight away I promise," he kept it short and sweet, saying his goodbyes before hanging up the phone._

Nikki didn't even have time to notice that Dotty had stopped crying, her mind too busy whirring with all the thoughts. She didn't know what to do. She had thought of the worst situation possible, that he would die. And then she really didn't know what to do.

They had a routine, a whole child together. And that could all be gone in a matter of minutes. Nikki had been trying her hardest with Dotty, but she knew that she wouldn't have been able to get through it all without Jack by her side. He had been her rock, a reminder that she's a great mother already, that she didn't have anything to worry about.

She wasn't quite sure if she was going to cope without Jack. She needed him more than he needed her and right now, she was very happy to admit that.

Nikki had spent the best part of five hours trying to find everything and anything to keep her mind busy and off thoughts of Jack lying in that hospital bed all by himself. She had managed to get hold of Conor to let him know what had happened and he assured her that he would see him on her behalf. It wasn't much but it was enough to reassure her.

She had been checking her phone every thirty seconds to see if she had any new messages but she hadn't heard anything. In some ways that was a blessing because it meant that he was still alive and putting up a fight. But in other ways, it sent her thoughts wild. She just wished she knew what was going on. She wanted to go there, she wanted to risk it but Thomas' words kept ringing in her head, _you've got a baby to think about now._

She didn't want her daughter to end up like her, she wanted her daughter to have two parents who loved her and treated her as she should be treated. She would never forgive herself if she took that risk and ended up leaving her all alone in the world. That was the last thing she wanted. So she stayed, for Dotty.

She jumped out of her skin as she heard a banging on the door. Her face screwed up, she hadn't been expecting anyone and she knew that it couldn't have been her neighbours; they had gone away to one of their sons for the week. Standing she made her way down the hall, her stomach dropping as she opened the door to reveal who was on the other side.

"What are you doing here?" She spoke through gritted teeth, keeping most of her body behind the wooden frame as a way of protecting herself.

"I heard about Jack," Matt breathed. It would almost be in earnest if Nikki hadn't suspected his real reasons for being here.

It was clear to her that he was trying to seize an opportunity to worm his way back into her life. With Jack out of the way she was vulnerable again. But she wasn't going to let him win and she wasn't going to let him anywhere near her daughter. Jack may not be out of the woods, there may be the smallest of chances that he would get through this but she believed in him, and she knew that he wouldn't give up without a fight.

Her suspicions of Matt were all but confirmed as he continued, "I just wanted to see how you were doing. It can't be easy with all this going on and having a new born baby on top of it as well."

Nikki folded her arms, "What do you really want Matt?"

Matt stepped forward, "I still care about you Nikki. I always have," he sighed. "I've been in a bad place this past year. With what happened with Jonathan and then you and Jack. I didn't cope with things very well and I took them out on you. I shouldn't have done that and I'm sorry. I just hope that one day you can forgive me. I never meant to hurt you Nikki I swear."

Her chest was rising and falling, the anger bubbling up inside her. She didn't need this right now. She didn't need his insincere apologies. Perhaps, in a few years, she would've healed enough to take the time to appreciate them. But as of right now, she wanted nothing more than for him to be a million miles away from her; out of sight and out of mind.

"Matt can you just go please," she let out, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible and stand her ground.

He stepped forward again and she felt all the air escaping her lungs. The panic setting in now. She urged for her feet to move, to put that distance between them but she stayed there, stuck; her whole body stiff with fear. The cries coming from behind her pulled her back into the room and the adrenaline seemed to kick in. She suddenly felt a wave of strength washing over her as she straightened herself up.

"Please go," her mouth set in a straight line.

"Nikki pl-"

"Excuse me, did you not hear? She asked you to go so can you do what you're told and piss off," the Irish accent was thick and Nikki didn't even have to put her mind to it to know just who this woman was. The glare she was giving Matt now was enough. She had seen that look on Jack too many times over the years.

Matt's eyebrows screwed together, "I'm sorry but this is between us. It has got nothing to do with you," he scoffed, flicking his head back to Nikki.

But the woman wasn't giving up as she walked onto the drive, "Sorry? I must be speaking French because I'm sure I just told you to piss off," she repeated herself.

Nikki bit down on her lip to hide the smirk that was spreading across her face now. It didn't take a genius to work out where Jack had got his fight from.

"And like I said, this has got nothing to do with you," Matt moved closer to the woman, his nostrils flaring now.

"Well that wee baby in there," she pointed into the house. "Just so happens to be my granddaughter so it has _everything_ to do with me. Now, whoever you are, walk the other way please." She gestured her head towards the road.

Matt huffed, "Nikki we're not finished, can you-"

"Oh you are really starting to get on my last nerve," she interrupted again. "She doesn't want to talk to you and me and her have more pressing matters to discuss. Now, I won't ask you again."

Matt relented, knowing that it wasn't worth it. He turned, walking away from the house. Nikki had a dreading feeling that that wasn't going to be the last time she was going to see him however.

But, as the woman had said, she had more pressing issues; the first one being, why had Jack's mother just turned up on her doorstep when she had no idea if the woman had been alive or dead in the first place?


End file.
